Getting Divorced - Resent Husband's Relationship with Kids

[Mummykins54]

I am about to get divorced from a very controlling, moody man.

My kids are aged 21 and 18 - they have also been party to his moods throughout their childhood and my 21 ds had a terrible relationship with him.

We decided jointly to separate - he moved out a year ago and having stonewalled me for over 6 months (totally ignoring my existence in the home) and moved into rented accommodation.

I have kind of fell to pieces since he left, not been great mentally and now I feel that the kids are gravitating towards him now and my ds has stated that "he gets on better now with dad since he moved out." He says his dad has changed - in actual fact he is playing Mr cool dad right now. I really resent the relationship they have with him - yes I know this is immature but I cannot help myself.

I was a fabulous mother and I feel they are now favouring him over me.

I kind of wish I had never started this process as I had no idea how bad I would feel when they are not with me and they are at his.

He is also stalling on signing the Separation Agreement - we are in Scotland which is also causing me great stress.

Any advice appreciated even if it is to tell me to give myself a kick up the back side!

It must be very difficult for you.

I feel in a similar situation with my 25DD. She has always gotten on well with both of us, and says she wants to support us, but cannot take sides. However I feel he is manipulating her to be more supportive of him. It hurts.

However, in the long term I can only believe that she is not stupid and will realise if/when he goes too far. I am sure our relationship will revert to normal when this is all over.

Your DC will not forget all that has happened before. It may be that actually BECAUSE their relationship with their father was so poor, they are taking the opportunity of closer ties because he has “changed”. Don’t forget all children need their caregivers to give them unconditional love, and even when they don’t get it they yearn for it. I think boys have a need to connect with their fathers a bit more than girls do.

if he stays true to type, then he won’t be able to keep the good behaviour up for long, then they will return. Even if this is a changed man, then as a mother you can only be happy for them, even if it hurts.

I have had a couple of emotional outbursts recently when my daughter was around, and though she was lovely, it has driven her away from me a bit.

Carry on being a fabulous mother, I believe they will come back to you. Give it time.

Look, it's going to be easy to come to terms with but adults who are in a bad relationship with one another will pass on their misery to the kids. Perhaps you managed it better than he did in the home but he is probably happier divorced and this probably has resulted in him having a better relationship with the children. Given the past, there probably needs to be a time of reconciliation between father and children.

Try and see the positive. Your children have a better relationship with their father which is a good thing. You're not in competition with this man, both of you will win by having good relationships with your children.

Also, a period of reflection may be good for you. I don't know you so please don't take this personally (and this may not apply to you) but it's not uncommon for some mothers to be quite controlling around how children are brought up (e.g. what the routine is, what the rules are etc) or to believe that they are naturally the better parent who knows best whilst picking fault with the father. You'll notice it on this forum sometimes where women talk about childcare arrangements after divorce and assume fathers won't get the school bag ready or help with the homework even if they don't know the father from Adam. Fathers put in this position tend to eventually adopt the label and don't function as a good parent again until they leave the relationship. It was the number 1 driver for me initiating divorce, before even her serial cheating and I have a much better relationship with my children after divorce because I don't have to enforce some of the sillier overbearing rules my ex-wife insisted on, such as forcing a 10 year old to go to bed at 7pm or contradictory rules like rationing cordial to once a day whilst giving them far too many sweets twice a day! It actually means I have a better understanding with them because I can set rules in a more friendly way and with purpose (e.g. homework before iPads, limits on screen time) because I don't resent doing it in the first place like some kind of camp commandant.

@BetterFuture1985 thank you so much for your response. My kids are now 21 and 18 and I worked part time so I did most of the childcare. They say they had an "idyllic childhood" but they also suffered from a very controlling and moody father. I had to shield them from his moods at times. I am not picking fault with him these are the facts. And when we split he had the cheek to call me a bad parent🤔Having sought counselling I have been advised that he is reflecting his own failures as a dad onto me - I have never been a bad mum. I have never put overbearing rules in place - if anything we all pussy footed around him.

My kids are old enough now to decide what they want to do - and yes they only have one dad and they need to get on with him but it is hard to get over the resentment and I am seeking counselling to try and deal with this.

At present he is being the perfect dad but I know if my ds steps out of line just once that will change.

I am not on the defensive just speaking as a women coming out of a very controlling relationship which has left me not in the best state mentally due to his behaviour whereas he seems to be doing great!

Mumsnet has crashed on me twice now trying to write a response. So I will just give a short answer for now; what I discovered from reflection was that no matter how in the wrong my ex-wife was (and she cheated on me multiple times, could be emotionally abusive and controlling and lied during divorce proceedings) that didn't mean I couldn't reflect on my own role in the marriage and seek improvement. And there were definitely things that I've changed in my own life.

When you're dealing with your children bonding with their father and perhaps feeling neglected, such reflection might give you a longer term view. You don't want to resent your ex for having this relationship because it's a good thing your children have a better relationship with their father, even if he used to be an arse.

Hi again - I am so sorry your wife cheated on you and she lied during divorce proceedings - I am have never done any of those things.

I am not perfect at all - we all have faults but when i "reflect" all I can see is how I tried to protect my kids from his moody and controlling behaviour which is why I find it had to accept the relationship they have now.

Yes it is good that they have this relationship now - I posted seeking advice on how to move forward as I do not like feeling resentful re their relationship as it gets me no where in the long run

I am you OP the exact situation but further along the road. You know the truth your ex is playing at being a Disney dad and tbh it's a lot easier being a good dad to a 21 Yr old and an 18 Yr old. My ds left home to live with him at 16 as it was more fun there.. he still comes to me when he needs a parent. My ex did the whole blame game saying I was a bad parent he still does we've got another ds 11 I say nothing. I know the truth my kids know the truth yours will too. Stay strong remember your worth

I know, you seem so mentally strong and polite!

I think in the long term once they've reconciled with Dad they'll have a wonderful relationship with you too. Why wouldn't they?

@Chattycatty thank you that means so much. Sorry to hear that your 16 year old decided to live with him. My ds told me last week he was going to his dads for a few weeks as I was "doing his head in." He has just messaged this morning to say he is coming back here today - no idea what is going on!

Yes I do need to remember my worth - I have been called so many names you kind of lose your identity - I will get there. I hope😩

@BetterFuture1985 polite yes - mentally strong not so - I have been truly tested and called every name under the sun. The most hurtful being a bad wife and mother - which I was neither. We all have our faults but I was a devoted wife and mother just unfortuately married to a control freak who even when discussing his moods would flat deny them!

I need to get rid of the resentment for all our sakes. I hope you are ok too!