Solicitor or mediation? I’m broke. Husband is calling the shots

[Nosleepingclub]

Hi

I basically have no knowledge of the divorce process and the financial implications if I don’t get a solicitor?

My husband left two weeks ago (shocked) saying he wants a divorce (I think he’s having an affair). I can’t really wrap my head around it but I’m trying to survive.

I am a SAHM and he’s never been interested in our child until now. He’s asking for visitation (nicely - but it’s an act I know) over text but he’s also saying that when he sees our son, I must leave our house and stay with my brothers family.

he’s also saying he doesn’t want to get solicitors involved but he’s calling the shots right now. When he’ll see him and how long for. Obviously he’s not around in the week after work to see him. I have a bit of our savings in my account and he’s paying me a good allowance each week (but I don’t know how long that’ll last).

He’s freelance and works odd times so I never know when he’s free so he is only giving me a few days notice if he’s having him at the weekend or not.

He wants to have him from tomorrow morning until Sunday, but that’s changed to Monday and now until Tuesday. It all feels very wrong and that there should be something more confirmed in place but am I being dramatic?

I want to get this court ordered that we need something more official but can we do that through mediation? Or do we have to do that through solicitors?

I’m so scared to get a solicitor as I don’t have any money or income. Will that be a bad decision if I do or don’t? I think I may be entitled to legal aid but eventually I’ll obviously have to pay that back. I don’t know which is best, mediation or solicitors?

exhusband (to be) is saying I can stay in the house (both named on the property) and he’ll pay for us to live there until I decide to go to work and to take my time, but I can’t help but feel like that could end at anytime and if we get a divorce before anything is legally and financially confirmed, I’m screwing myself.

I'd at least get some legal advice. Any family who could lend you some money?

I'm a family solicitor.

You need to see a solicitor. Once you have more of an idea what to ask for, then you can consider mediation.

Are you getting benefits? Mediation will be paid by legal aid if so, but you won't get legal aid for a solicitor unless you have evidence of domestic abuse.

You don't need anything "official" about the children. You absolutely don't have to leave your home because he says so. You really need advice on the divorce & finance aspect.

Do you have enough money for an initial solicitor appointment ? They will advise you, your husband probably doesn't want you getting what you are entitled too even if you have to borrow some money you need protected , also look at citizens advice and womens aid to read up on your rights.

Sadly not. No family really and no money. But he has a lot of family money behind him so feel extra screwed

Many solicitors will offer a free chat of 20 mins or so. Mine gave me 40 mins. everyone will tell you to get legal advice, you can’t afford not to.

it sounds like your husband believes he can bully you into doing things his way. Please stick up for yourself. I’m going through something similar myself and it is very hard.

if you don’t get a solicitor to act for you, it may be a decision you will regret for the rest of your life. My solicitor works through Resolution.org, which encourages clients to go for mediation before court, but you still need a solicitor.

My solicitor quickly picked up on my situation and told me that she would help protect me from my husbands relentless self interest. I’m not even looking for 50/50. (Very long marriage with a child)

I’m getting child benefit (£87 a month). When you say I don’t need anything official about the children, what do you mean? Sorry, new to this.

@Nosleepingclub I was writing a really long message and then the website crashed. I'll have to give you the short version:

1. Please don't rely on this site for legal advice, the legal advice given is generally terrible, including from me;

2. Because of 1), definitely get a solicitor. You can get a litigation loan for one against the assets to be divided. Personally, I think he's got a bigger chance of screwing himself over than you if he doesn't have a solicitor though. Most of the horror stories I've seen relate to unrealistic or unfair maintenance obligations (e.g. Tattersall) or unbelievably disproportionate asset splits because one person was very silly and tried to represent themselves. The advice above to get a Resolution solicitor is also essential.

3. Play along a bit with visitation. I sometimes think SAHMs can be a bit unfair on the Dads who are often working very long hours to maintain the single income household lifestyle. He can't keep changing days and dates but don't make assumptions that he's a terrible parent when he hasn't been given the same chance to perform as Dads who are the SAHP or can share childcare more evenly in a dual income household;

4. You need to know where you stand. Get everything formally resolved. It's in his interests as well as yours.

5. You can draw different conclusions from the same law and judges do. That's why you won't hear a family solicitor predicting your divorce outcome. It's important to consult more than one solicitor to weed out those who are too timid or too gung ho. Also, you need a solicitor who knows your local court because there is a theory that there are regional variations in outcome.

Thank you for this. I need to look into mediation and resolution more. I can’t seem to wrap my head around any of this as I’m so mentally fried.

Were you able to work through anything in mediation?

Don't see it as a choice between solicitors and mediation. See the solicitor as giving you the knowledge you need to protect your interests in mediation.

I’m a lawyer and deal with disputes (though not divorce). You need to speak to a solicitor to understand what your legal entitlement is and what a court might order. Mediation can work very well where both parties are willing to be reasonable but you need to understand your legal position before going into a mediation especially as you are the one in the weaker financial position.

Hi op, how old is your child?

Shes 2 and a half. Does that make any difference to anything?

Look into benefit entitlement as a single parent.

Work out what the total assets are -- pensions, savings, cars, house. You should expect to walk away with at least 50% of those, if it's been a lengthy marriage. (like most things, 'lengthy' not being well-defined).

Divorce is 3 separate bits. The legal dissolution (basically some form filling now it's all no fault divorce); who looks after the children; who gets what money. I'd advise being reasonably flexible with childcare, also that men tend to sound more generous in the early part of the split ... before they realise (if the higher earner) just how much they stand to 'lose'.

Oh, and there's lots you can do yourselves and courts only like to intervene if parents cannot agree.

Age can be a big factor. For example, by you telling me your child is two and a half a likely outcome:

1. Wouldn't expect you to work until the child is school age, so spousal maintenance might come into play;

2. A Mesher Order (where you get to stay in the FMH) is unlikely to last until the child is 18, if it's even ordered at all.

Similarly, if you'd said 15, the outcome would probably be very different:

1. Can work full time so no spousal maintenance likely unless ex is an extremely high earner; and

2. Mesher order likely if required because not fair to move children whilst doing GCSE and A-Level.

Obviously neither of these are gospel, dependent on other factors etc. It's just a way to think about how age of children might affect outcome.

At this time you’re going to be hurting and fearful. The hurt will go eventually and you need to find support to help with that. The fear of being on your own and dealing with a huge change is what everyone goes through. But they manage and the subtext of your post implies there is money in the marriage. That means you will get through this but to do that you need to be knowledge. Of the law and the money in the marriage. Mediation and a solicitor will help with that.

in terms of him seeing your child. Try to separate this issue from what goes on between you two. It’s about your child seeing their parent and having a relationship with that parent. Which is a huge part of their development and emotional needs. Having said that whatever arrangement you make needs to be sustainable and realistic. He proposal isn’t.

I would respond to his request that he see his child confirming that you want this to happen. But his suggestion isn’t practical as you can’t stay with your brother.

He should really see them in his new home. But he might not have one or could be living with friends. Leaving the family home as the practical option but one that must ultimately be temporary and fit around your living there. Be realistic about whether you want to be there. It will be emotional for you and probably unhealthy for all if you supervise.

I would ask him to pay for an overnight in an air conditioned hotel. That will highlight how unsustainable him not having a home where he can see the child is.

You can claim universal credit. Look into it. Refer to the money your ex hives you as child maintenance as spousal counts as income.
Neither of you have to leave the home you own. So refuse.
Irritating tho it is him swapping and changing times won't affect your daughter atm. Keep her needs as your no 1 goal. I was a sahm and it took my ex a while to build up his confidence and the length of time he looked after her. It was riling tbh but for her it was good and I'm less bitter about it now.
Don't be bullied though.