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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Making 50/50 custody arrangements

25 replies

Jumpy27 · 12/07/2022 22:11

Advice needed please! I have 3 children and my ex wants 50/50 custody. I’m not against this but I had thought it would be least disruptive to the kids if they stayed with me most week nights during term time and alternate weekends plus some extra nights with their dad so he could have some one to one time with each of them. He could then have them a bit more than me in the holidays to make it up to 50/50. We had agreed from the start it would be better for the kids to stay in the family home which is why I saw it as the primary residence.
He has now said he wants to do alternate full weeks but he wants me to still pick the kids up from school during his week and look after them when he is at work. With the age gaps and friends and various after school clubs etc I think it will be really confusing and messy for them to be dropped off by him in the morning, picked up by me, then sent back to his for the night. Its a bonus for me to see them every day but doesn’t seem right somehow and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable for feeling this is not how 50/50 works. Any thoughts?
(We haven’t discussed it with the kids yet but I think my eldest will not like it at all as she gets very anxious about being ready on time and having all her stuff for school, I’m not sure how the others will feel.)

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 12/07/2022 22:12

So you’ll do your week and provide free childcare and support in a way that will sabotage your earning capacity in his weeks?

hiw about No to that idea

Threetulips · 12/07/2022 22:13

Sounds messy.

Plus his weeks he should sort childcare - it’s very much on his terms with you doing the grunt work and him taking them to what? Feed them bath them or just ready for bed?

I would suggest you come to a better compromise.

Kedece2410 · 12/07/2022 22:15

Thats not 50/50. Ive got a couple of friends who've done it very successfully but when it's been done properly. If he wants 50/50 he needs to sort out afterschool care without your help

Is he suggesting this to get out of paying CM?

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 22:17

Send him a schedule of what 50 /50 looks like. With after school clubs etc..
. As in him actually parenting his dc... If he can't commit to it in principle tell him you will see him in court..
He won't bother will he?
He is trying to avoid Cms isn't he?

RandomMess · 12/07/2022 22:18

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well he can jog on and pay for a nanny or other childcare unless he's going to pay you to do it all?

Narcheska · 12/07/2022 22:24

When my ex decided he wanted 50:50 he seemed to be under the impression I’d still be picking up ds1 from school and doing all the parenting and he’d just turn up at 7 takes ds1 home and out him to bed! Nope not a chance.

i made it every clear that 50:50 meant that on his time he needs to find his own childcare and do all yeh actual parenting. I’d be happy to help out in emergencies but if that didn’t work for him then we’d stick to the normal arrangement.

it’s worked out ok. He still takes the piss sometimes but overall it’s been ok

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/07/2022 22:26

*he wants me to still pick the kids up from school during his week and look after them when he is at work".

Don't do this OP. The one benefit of 50/50 is that you'd be able to work longer on his week. He's intending to use you as free child care so he can work full time and still say he has the DC 50/50 and not pay maintenance. Really not ok. You need to make it clear to him you are not going to do this. You may find faced with you being immovable and refusing to do childcare that he drops the idea of 50/50.

The odd night out swapping baby sitting would be one thing, but he needs to know that if he pursues this he will have to find and pay for after school care on his week.

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 22:29

Jumpy27 · 12/07/2022 22:11

Advice needed please! I have 3 children and my ex wants 50/50 custody. I’m not against this but I had thought it would be least disruptive to the kids if they stayed with me most week nights during term time and alternate weekends plus some extra nights with their dad so he could have some one to one time with each of them. He could then have them a bit more than me in the holidays to make it up to 50/50. We had agreed from the start it would be better for the kids to stay in the family home which is why I saw it as the primary residence.
He has now said he wants to do alternate full weeks but he wants me to still pick the kids up from school during his week and look after them when he is at work. With the age gaps and friends and various after school clubs etc I think it will be really confusing and messy for them to be dropped off by him in the morning, picked up by me, then sent back to his for the night. Its a bonus for me to see them every day but doesn’t seem right somehow and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable for feeling this is not how 50/50 works. Any thoughts?
(We haven’t discussed it with the kids yet but I think my eldest will not like it at all as she gets very anxious about being ready on time and having all her stuff for school, I’m not sure how the others will feel.)

My thought is you both need to work so his request that you do the school pick ups in his week is utterly ridiculous. He'll get to avoid paying child maintenance whilst using you as an unpaid nanny. On the flip side, it is totally impractical for him to have them more in the holidays if he is working.

You need a routine that works. I would suggest the same routine every week but with maybe one day that alternates. That will allow both of you to work the same hours and both of you able to cover your share of the holidays.

Original poster
Jumpy27 · 12/07/2022 22:31

Thanks everyone. He’s not trying to get out of child maintenance in his defence but he seems to think I’m being unreasonable by not agreeing to “help with the kids” when he’s working. I could work extra hours during his week but not if I’m “helping him”.
I should have said in original post I have asked him to have them every Sunday evening as I work then, but that was when I thought we’d do alternate weekends so he would be able to see them every week. Maybe he thinks alternate weeks plus every Sunday evening means I’ll owe him some hours….it’s so tricky and I just want the kids to be settled.

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 12/07/2022 22:32

With a parent with so little involvement and such high expectations for you to continue caring for the children in his days, I think you really need to stay firm and say bollocks to 50/50.

Nat6999 · 12/07/2022 22:36

No, your week without dc is your week to work longer if you choose, go out after work, have nights out, do what you want. If he can't pick them up from school then he pays for wraparound care or a childminder.

BungleandGeorge · 12/07/2022 22:57

Does he do around 50% of childcare at the moment? Are the children old enough to have an opinion? Expecting you to ‘help out’ (aka provide free childcare) is ridiculous, how is that fair!

Original poster
Jumpy27 · 12/07/2022 23:08

No he really doesn’t, never has! I do the vast majority as well as working at least 28 hours a week!
The kids could all express an opinion.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2022 06:42

He is expecting his life to continue as is with you doing the mental load as well as the bulk of the childcare.

You can say sure 50:50 but I'll be working so can't have the DC.

Cocowatermelon · 13/07/2022 06:48

Have you looked at a 2-2-5-5 pattern?
So something like this;
MON + TUES with you every week
WED + THURS with him every week
FRI-SAT SUN alternating.

You can switch to week on week off in the summer holidays (and possibly school holidays) to facilitate trips away. This set up means you are always responsible for the same school weekdays/nights and therefore for the childcare and clubs on those days.

Cocowatermelon · 13/07/2022 06:49

His suggestion of you doing the after school care on his days is completely unreasonable btw

LoonyIdea · 13/07/2022 06:55

My ex tried this. It was and still is beyond his understanding that I am not his backup childcare. He argued that this was nothing to do with CM but it is. He does 53 nights a year and refers to any days over this as “doing an extra”.

LoonyIdea · 13/07/2022 06:55

OP how much is he paying for maintenance and how has he reached this figure?

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 06:58

50/50 should be granted if it’s wanted and here it is. This is especially true if you wanted the separation (which is the vibe I get since you didn’t say why you split). You can’t just kick him out and then expect him to just see the kids here and there.

This happens too often, a woman wants a divorce and agrees to 50/50 - but then once reality hits it doesn’t feel right to be away from her kids so she finds excuses to fight against it. Of course being away from your kids doesn’t feel right - it doesn’t feel right for him either hence him wanting time with them.

You having the kids every week night plus alternate weekends is not 50/50 and there’s not enough holidays to make up that time. Although you will be supported on this board (which is perhaps why you posted) the reality is if you wanted the separation and agreed to 50/50 and are now going back on it because reality has sunk in then that is wrong.

If you wanted the kids all the time your only choice was to stay together, otherwise you will see them less. The excuse of what’s best for the kids is often thrown around but really this is based in your not wanting to live apart from your kids, not their needs.

AnnaMagnani · 13/07/2022 07:05

So he is asking for 50:50, but has never done 50:50 in his life and so thinks that the way it works is that he doesn't pay any child maintenance but you help him out all the time.

Equally your suggestion doesn't work as you get all the crap of helping them with school and none of the fun of holidays.

Finally your children are old enough to have opinions - so ask them!

I don't think he can manage 50:50 and ultimately he will end up with some other arrangement.

JanglyBeads · 13/07/2022 07:06

Er it's not the OP going back on it, it's her STBX? And she's clearly able to separate her sadness at not being with the children all the time from what's best for them.

PeekAtYou · 13/07/2022 07:06

You are right - that's not how 50/50 works. Make sure that he knows that he's responsible for all school holidays that fall on his week (half terms, inset days etc) for the whole day

LoonyIdea · 13/07/2022 07:26

HippoLover · 13/07/2022 06:58

50/50 should be granted if it’s wanted and here it is. This is especially true if you wanted the separation (which is the vibe I get since you didn’t say why you split). You can’t just kick him out and then expect him to just see the kids here and there.

This happens too often, a woman wants a divorce and agrees to 50/50 - but then once reality hits it doesn’t feel right to be away from her kids so she finds excuses to fight against it. Of course being away from your kids doesn’t feel right - it doesn’t feel right for him either hence him wanting time with them.

You having the kids every week night plus alternate weekends is not 50/50 and there’s not enough holidays to make up that time. Although you will be supported on this board (which is perhaps why you posted) the reality is if you wanted the separation and agreed to 50/50 and are now going back on it because reality has sunk in then that is wrong.

If you wanted the kids all the time your only choice was to stay together, otherwise you will see them less. The excuse of what’s best for the kids is often thrown around but really this is based in your not wanting to live apart from your kids, not their needs.

You’ve superbly missed the point. Spectacularly so.

Try reading it again.

clpsmum · 13/07/2022 08:37

FreudayNight · 12/07/2022 22:12

So you’ll do your week and provide free childcare and support in a way that will sabotage your earning capacity in his weeks?

hiw about No to that idea

This ^^

Original poster
Jumpy27 · 13/07/2022 22:35

Thank you everyone for your comments, it’s been really helpful. I hope we can come to a sensible agreement soon.

OP posts:
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