Can my ex get custody of my son? Im petrified!

[isobeliolanda]

Hi all!!

I really need some advice if possible? My son is 10 in two weeks, wow double digits! His father and I haven't been together since he was 2 years old and for a few years after we broke up he had him very frequently all weeknights and weekends as i was suffering from severe anxiety and depression. Ive managed to turn my life around and I survived it, I still suffer with anxiety but not depression and things are going great for me. Myself and my ex have tried to make the custody for the last few years as equal as possible i do weekdays and he does weekends. Him and his partner moved and bought a house about 45 minutes to an hour from myself which makes things harder as hes no longer around the corner. When he moved he told my son he could live and go to school there and has always made him believe his area is nicer and better.

So the issue I'm having at the moment is my son needs to choose his secondary schools soon and he wants to go to school where his dad lives and will see me when he wants which completely breaks my heart and the reasons why, as said by my son are:

• His little sister lives there
• The area is nice (my area is very nice can i add)
• No travelers / gypsies (as worded by his father)

To myself, those reasons aren't good enough reasons, and all sound like words his dad has said to him! I work in an amazing school its not in my borough but its only 10mins from my house and its the second-best in the county and I am able to get him a place here without having the 3 year waitlist so of course, I want to send him here but his dad is adamant he's going to live with him and we'll now have to go to court to battle it out. I keep trying to say to him that our son needs both his parents as equal as we can make it and yes just because he wants to live there now and uproot his life doesn't mean in 10 years' time that won't affect him and my main worries are that if he decides to stop seeing me as much it'll 1- break my heart and 2- affect him when he's older because at 10 years old he doesnt know what he wants he's just listening to his dad and being almost bribed as his dad has more money than myself and can get him everything he wants.

Would his dad be able to get full custody and uproot him as hes now 10?
Am i being selfish by not letting my son do what he wants and keeping him with me?

I just want my son happy but I just believe seeing myself and his dad weekdays and weekends is the best thing. If he lives with his dad he wont see me on weekends because he has activities he does on the weekends with his dad that he wont give up so when would be see him? Can his dad win this battle? Im so so scared!

Thank you for reading my HUGE essay!

Personally I don’t have sympathy for people who relocate in the way your ex did. Of course it makes co parenting more difficult and creates painful choices for a child. The examples you give explains that weekend access will break down due to hobbies, friendships and birthdays. But the distance is a fact of your child’s life and now a decision has to be made about his future school.

At 10, your child is just on the cusp of being able to make a decision about where he lives. He will have a voice but maybe not a say in the decision. I don’t think there is much in what you both will offer, good schools and a loving home. However you son does have ties to your local area which I think will swing it. Even with a school change he has friends and established relationships.

Your ex should not have moved and created this headache.

No custody is with you. Why do you get all the weekday parenting and he gets all the weekends - change that for starters. Every other weekend.

no he can’t go and live with his dad - he has contact but weekend will help him get local friends etc

m get him into your school - discuss continuity of relationships and inductions and ease for pick up and drop off. Be careful you say it is easy - I don’t any school except one that allows students of teachers in as a priority.

Me and exh lived 45 mins apart. Dc still went to school as usual... At 10 I doubt a court allow dc to choose a school for the df's convenience.. But you are missing out not seeing your dc at week ends. A better schedule could work for everyone without dc living ft with ex... What not suggest mediation to try and plan a new timetable?

45 minutes to an hour isn't necessarily miles away.

I disagree with the PP as they aren't being realistic. I know plenty of separated parents who have done this - my own did - for a variety of reasons and to be fair it is both parents interests not to live around the corner from each other. Both off you should be able to get on with your daily lives knowing you won't just bump into your ex, their family, friends etc.

In regards to your questions about your son, your son could follow your instructions (and the Court instructions) to live with you but once he's 13 - so just before he starts his GCSEs - if he decides differently then you are going to have a fight on your hands. Your son will likely be physically bigger than you, so he can just refuse to come back from his dad's after a visit and you won't be able to force him.

If he doesn't decide to move when he's 13 he could instead move when he's 16 and that will be the end of it.

So your aim should be not to fight with your son's father but to get your son to see the grass isn't greener. In other words getting him to see living with his dad full-time has lots of disadvantages, there as seeing his dad on the weekends/evenings is better as he won't have to deal with his younger (annoying) sister all the time. I also doubt your son's step-mother would be happy picking up after a smelly teenage boy.

Once in secondary school mine sometimes got a train or bus themselves.

Two engaged parents. He’s a lucky little boy.

You say he had full custody (week nights and weekends) for “a few years” after you split, so you know your ex to be a decent parent.

Realistically, if you are both good parents offering a comparable set-up with a good school, the court will be swung by what the child wants. It may hurt, but it’s not a failure on your part that he wants to be with his dad.

Your logic of what might or might not affect him in 10 years is irrelevant- you simply don’t know. And - I’m sorry to say - so is your broken heart. You mustn’t use your child as an emotional crutch. That would be selfish.

Whoever doesn’t have him full time MUST get every other weekend (uninterrupted).

How long did he have full custody for? I agree with some of the others that at this age if you block the move it might harm your relationship with your son more, that said I totally sympathise it would break my heart too.

Good post. He’s not a deadbeat, he’s the parent who carried the full load for years.

It appears that your son has two engaged and willing parents. This is a good starting point.

Are you in England?

Realistically, if you are both good parents offering a comparable set-up with a good school, the court will be swung by what the child wants. It may hurt, but it’s not a failure on your part that he wants to be with his dad.

I was thinking the same - lots of posters very confidently stating he'd stay with mum yet dad seems to have had him more over all historically. Court don't prioritise activities over contact with a parent though so worth telling your ds if he chooses to stay with dad then the weekend activities will need to stop at least every other weekend as it's too far for you to facilitate them with him. As said at 10 the child's opinion will be hard and in a couple of years he can pretty much decide. Be careful not to alienate him or make decisions beaded on your own hurt. I'm not sure why you're so convinced it will affect him later in life when it's his choice and he knows you wanted him there too

I think if you have only ever had your Ds during the week when it is filled with early mornings, school, homework etc then you have been cast over time in the role of the harsh parent whilst his father he has seen as the fun parent.

Now he has the opportunity for fun all week.

What 10 year old doesn’t want that.

I would change the arrangements to you getting weekends and him getting during the week

I think his weekend only arrangement should be cut out and Eow for the time being at least and show your Ds what a fun mum you can be.

In reality no one here knows
its possible a court could rule that he lives there

a decision needs to be child focussed and rensin why it’s in their best interest to remain with mother/father or both and what that arrangement looks like

at 10 your child’s wishes will certainly be considered but the focus will be on

stability
schooling
upbringing / care
gow to maintain relationships/ contact with other parent

his father appears stable, solid, committed

any arguments you put forward must focus on child’s interest and welfare and why that’s best served by staying with you