Keeping family home

[RachieC00]

Hello,

I am planning on seperating from my Oh (I havnt 100% made this decision yet as want to be more informed legally and have a plan in place but he knows its a possibility) it will be me leaving him. I have 2 young children 1 X 2 years old and 1 X 4 year old. I was wondering if anyone has done this and managed to stay in the family home but still share childcare!? It's hard as I feel this is possible but I'm the one who is making this decision and OH is still madly in love with me so it's a delicate situation. I was thinking maybe staying at a friend's when it's not my turn to childcare but then where would he go when it's my turn? Can I turf him out no but will it cause issues him being around!? I don't know, it would be good to get any advice off anyone who has tried this or is living this way.. success stories and when it hasn't worked and why. As my children are so young the thought of taking them out the family home and also being dragged between 2 x properties makes me so upset so I'd love to try and find a way around this to keep this stability in place and keep them where they know and feel safe. Any info would be greatly appreciated thank you R x

Birds Nesting is the expression for this.

I know people who do it very successfully but it's usually a temporary (as it years but not decades) measure. You need money as well - to either buy another place (so take on 2 mortgages, rent out a room to cover mortgage) or to long term rent somewhere.

People do manage this short term but it would get difficult if you or he is in a long term/serious relationship, would your new partner be happy? Think about it, even if you wish to remain single he may not. For a trial separation it makes more sense than long term in my opinion, you need to rent him a small place nearby, is that affordable to you?

Whether you can stay in the fmh friends entirely on the assets avail and your ability to pay its mortgage and upkeep
tiur children are young so housing them is a priority but so is severing financial ties as soon as possible allowing for 2 suitably appropriate properties

Long term you both need your own space and house where you can have your children. Moving between houses is often not a problem for young children - what is important is stability, routine and parents who can get on

and it sounds like you want to keep the children and the home and fir your dh to just move out and come visit when you say

why should he have to do that ?

@millymollymoomoo because she's v likely to be the primary care giver

Hello, well yes i can imagine not ideal if either of us wanted to move on. Also no I couldn't afford it I could afford to stay with a friend in a room but not rent a whole property on my own. He could but again its me who wants to split not him. He could afford mortgage on family home on his own. He's the main earner. I just want to have least amount disruption for the kids and would love them to stay in the family home.

@millymollymoomoo I never said I want him to move out at all so not sure where u have interpreted that from. I would love to have a 50/50 childcare agreement if we can and I don't see any reason why we wouldn't be able to achieve that. I'm happy (well not really but would) to move out on my time without the kids although sure if I say that people will say I'm a bad mother. It's just where he would go when he wasn't caring for them that's the issue.

You need to understand the assets available to split
what your earnings are
hiw you both become financially independent
sonetines that cannot be immediate so you need to understand timelines to achieving that

sometimes that means

downsizing
selling fmh
working full time if not already

a change in circumstances as you are no longer a joint couple

no one here knows based on your limited info
but long term you both need separate housing and both need adequate places to live with the children

I'm not saying stay necessarily. You have your own reasons to want to split.
But
Parenting gets easier. There are ways around disputes about housework/work/free time/in-laws/finances. With counseling, things can improve.

The anchors in your childrens lives are their parents. They don’t need a house for which they won’t have any bond. You can be good parents offering stability and security even if you live in 2 homes. The children don’t need to be dragged anywhere.

It won’t be long before they are in school and that will become another anchor. Better for you to split now and get an affordable home near their future school. The sooner you both become financially independent the better in the long run. The younger you all are for this to happen the better.

Your OH will want his own home where he can be parent.

if he has feelings for you bird nesting will be a mess. It really only suits people whose feelings are benign or platonic.

If I was your partner I would want the kids 50/50 and the assets 50/50 and most courts would agree. They’re concerned that your children have decent homes, whichever parent has them, so you may have to sell the family home and split all equity and assets equally and get 2 places.
Courts prefer a clean financial separation if possible.
can you afford to buy out your DP and then pay the mortgage on your family home? Can he?

‘Birds Nesting’ means you need another separate flat/house or even 2. But you’ll still be utterly entwined in each other’s lives, and 50% of the time you’ll be in a small place on your own. It’s an awful idea, and the only people I know who have attempted it have done so because one partner really wanted to stay with the other and thought that this might be a way of getting back together.

Your children are too young to even care about the family ‘home’ by the way. Splitting Joe means your next places will become ‘home’ for them. Mums home and dads home.

It honestly works really well for the people I know who do it. There's a lot of talk about how awful it is to constantly move houses - but only if you are an adult. Apparently children don't mind at all and scamper happily from house to house.

In ops case, I can't see it working. Kids are so young you couldn't do it til they grew up, and the (to be) ex doesn't want to be an ex. Big problem! It takes two very committed adults who can work together and alongside each other to make it work. It's a child-centric parenting strategy

@HappyGa

The family that I know who have this arrangement had a severely disabled dd who needs a hoist, oxygen and suction plus 24/7 care. At first he went to his mums, she her parents, then they met new partners who understood their situation and each lives elsewhere with their partner, the house is an adapted council house and it's worked out, the plan is for the dd to have it as her residence once adult

Yes, did it for about a year in between separation and all the finances through.

Can't say it was much fun... but it did give the children a chance to adjust to a new life whilst still remaining in their home.

It's still his home too. Primary caregiver or not, the house should be split fairly.
OP I would be surprised if your partner agreed to it, being that hes still in love with you, and it's you wanting separation. Do you think he could handle seeing you going on dates/talking to other men etc? And how long would you want to do it for?

All this could be a moot point - you haven't mentioned being married and if not who owns the house?

Are you married? If yes, then how long have you been married? What are yours assets? Do you both work? Do you both pay the mortgage?

I don't think anyone can give advice, as there are too many variables.

But tbh it doesn't sound like that would work, as he still loves you. He would be hurting.