Financial disclosure

[Bemyclementine]

I'm really struggling with this process. It's all so intrusive. I have literally nothing, no money, no savings. I have a local authority pension . Car is worth a few hundred. I just want to be able to live in the house with my children that I do 100% of the care for.

I'm a really private person. I have nothing to hide, yet the thought of handing over12 months bank statements, wage slips etc makes me feel sick.

Ex is self employed so will no doubt have hidden money.

Can you reframe it for yourself - tell yourself that doing it is the key to your freedom? You’d need to do this consciously, every time you start feeling invaded about it. Like a mantra.

Thing is for you it’s personal- people overseeing these figures literally will just look at your life as a set of numbers. You’re emotionally involved, they aren’t.

Tgank you, yes thats a good point @LadyGardenersQuestionTime it os the road ro freedom hopefully though I don't feel like I'll ever be truly free of him.

I thought I'd never be truly free of him when I divorced, but I am now, and it came in stages.

First was when I finally, suddenly stopped letting him play his mind games on me - my brain went "wtf, exactly why are you letting him have any power over you LadyGardener? I mean, who the F does he think he is?". I saw him for the pathetic narcissistic man-child he was and that I was stronger than I thought. (It helped that he moved on to a series of women and that I found a fab new man and that I have wise and supportive girlfriends).

Second was when the children became independent. I was able to buy them driving lessons and cheap cars and DS is a very sensible chap and once there were no handovers to organise I literally didn't have to see him at all (rubbish public transport or that would have happened sooner).

So I would say you WILL be free of him. Have faith!

I'm going through this too. I'm at the stage of pulling together all of my statements etc ready to handover. I too have nothing, no savings, just a pension that I haven't paid a lot into.

For me it is the thought of my ex scrutinising my current account, looking at every little thing I have spent money on that I find so intrusive. I know he'll go through them in detail wanting to know why I bought a coffee at costa instead of taking one from home to work, why did I buy the kids Clarkes shoes instead of from the supermarket etc. He was like it during our marriage and I know he'll be like it once he sees my statements.

I am just trying to tell myself this is just a necessary step in the process, by doing this I am one step closer to the end goal of divorce, freedom, independence etc, however intrusive this all is. Try to remember that once this is done you are nearer to that too. I know it is hard but stay strong and you'll get there.

Okay - another way.

You don't have much to put together, he might. With a good solicitor they can ask those appropriate questions.

It's all about the needs of each party after all..? As someone days. Key step to your freedom

I hated it but I thought it’s the last 12 months not the next 12

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime thank you, great to see a positive story. I completely agree about the mind games, I had shut it down and was doing so well with it, (long separation before I found the courage to start divorce proceeding but he's kicked it all off abd I've been sucked back in. Trying g to reason with him, it's pointless. It just makes me sad that he won't be reasonable fir the sake of the children.

@NeedSleepNow that's exactly it. WHY does he need to see my outgoings?? I'm fine with bills etc but what I spend on shopping or if I take the kids to macdonalds? If I've bought so e clothes because I have none?

Honestly, I don't think he'll have much either. He ought to have been able to save money but I imagine if he has its hidden. Relative died and certainly left him some money. I dont want any of that. I just want to live in the house that I can afford.

Can you afford to buy him out as well op or just afford the mortgage / bills as it is now?

do you understand relative earnings, pensions etc

do you have a view of what an overall fair split could look like ?

remember while it may feel intrusive, you also get the same opportunity to see his spending too and can question and challenge items

You can always take cash out and spend that instead? No need to prove where that's gone.

I can give him some money to buy him out butim not sure what a fair split would be. I can't afford to rent. I couldn't afford to buy . I have the children every night. I can only work part time (children)
I dobt care what he's spending his money on tbh. I just want to be able to live.

@Cloverforever I've got to give 12 months bank statements.

Yes I know that, but didn't know if you were doing this right away or not.

You may not want any of his inheritance but it should be taken into consideration on who gets what, so make sure he includes it on his disclosure. You could get a copy of the will as proof if needs be.

Op it may or may be realistic to expect to keep the house. It may need to be sold
no one here knows the answer to that but this is precisely why full disclosure is necessary - so you ( and courts) know what assets there are available to split and to understand needs vs wants

@Cloverforever thank you, yes, sorry it's happening now.

@millymollymoomoo I know it just seems so unfair. Me and the DC need somewhere to live, that we can afford to live in. ExH wants 50% of the equity. I'm not being greedy, it's 2 bed, 2 DC, and in a state of disrepair, freezing in the winter . I'd LOVE to move but I've looked into somany options, none of which will work out financially.

The only assett on my side is house and pension

Sending a hug honey .I know exactly how you feel and nobody gets it .
I am the most open person in the world and would talk about anything to anyone .
Handing over my bank statements made me feel physically sick .
Nevertheless I had to do it .
I was shaking handing them over to the solicitor and couldn't sleep thinking that people were poring over the minutiae of my life .
But ....you know what ?
It bought me freedom and a much better life so it was well worth it -got no money from my ex but he had nothing over me from that day forward x

There are two features of divorces in the 1980s that you will seldom see in a "normal" divorce these days. One is spousal maintenance, which most people seem to be aware of. It is rarely a good idea for spousal maintenance to be paid for from an average paid person to a low paid person because it negatively affects the benefits available to the low paid person (you don't just lose universal credit £ for £. If spousal maintenance wipes out a UC claim, you also lose access to various other benefits).

The other is Mesher Orders, which people seem to be less aware of. I recently reviewed a study of the outcomes of divorces and interestingly Mesher Orders had become a lot more rare than spousal maintenance. The sample indicated 6% of divorces included a Mesher Order or deferred charge whilst 16% had spousal maintenance (more often than not for a nominal amount).

I wouldn't bank on keeping the house, there is almost always another option these days.

I wonder if shared ownership may be a better option for you? A better insulated/cheap to run house and you may well get UC towards the rental part. Still secure and still affordable and means you could have a clean break.

You may need to spend £ on a forensic accountant if he's hidden his money and pension.

He thinks I want a mesher order (I dont, as I understand it he would remain named on the mortgage and I really want him as out if my life as possible, it would be another way he'd think he could control me)

I have looked at shared ownership. I would happily go for it, but there is currently 1 property available in this area, which has stood empty for 3 years!! It's a lovey house, a bit further away han I'd like. Can only staircase up to 80% though which puts me off I think. It's an option though.

He would not be named on the mortgage for a mesher. You would most likely be the sole name in that fully responsible fir it
He would remain on the deeds and his share of equity split deferred to a later date

Thank you @millymollymoomoo that's different to how I'd read it and would be better. I'm wondering if I could pay him sone now, abd then sone later as in a mesher order - is it done by a charge on the property?

Not strictly true. Meshers may or may not remove him from the mortgage. Judges can't order this because it's a contract between the bank and the individuals on the mortgage. All a judge can do is say best endeavours to release the non-resident from the mortgage. If it would be unjust for one party to stay on the mortgage, the only thing a judge can do is order the sale.

This was a sticking point in my divorce. If my ex had got her way I would have been locked out of home ownership forever whilst she would have been a homeowner almost entirely thanks to my mortgage capacity. However, I managed to avoid this one thanks to her own solicitor saying she wouldn't get it.