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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Aarghhhh maintenance

21 replies

theskyispurple · 05/07/2022 07:30

Please Help me work this through...
separated from boys dad for 11 years, history is patchy with regard to his stability and he's a known liar, compulsively.
When he's in a good place he's great when he has the kids- lots of energy, does great hands on stuff with kids, but of course I'm the enduring stability and constant presence.

One of our kids had a breakdown a few years ago and I had to give up work to look
After him. This is still the case. Much more to tell about this - not sure it's relevant.

He's been paying maintenance of his choosing pretty consistently for maybe 3 years. He used to also do things like buy school shoes, winter coat, give them holiday spending money etc- he's generous with the boys when he has it.

Last year he moved in with a new gf - the love no one else has ever known ( of course) and they've made a fab environment for the kids to go and stay more regularly and they are taking them away on holiday soon ( first time he's taken them on holiday ever).

My issue is this - historically he has refused to let me know what he earns, and I've just let it go because he's been so generous with the boys. Lately he's stopped this and will only buy them clothes to keep at his house and is refusing to pay half football subs etc.

I've mentioned perhaps I should ask the child maintenance people to look at it and work out what he should pay but he says He's got 2 other kids now to provide for ( his gfs kids) and so the money would go down.

Obviously I know this is what happens legally but morally it is not always right. Her kids have a better quality of life financially due to her divorce settlement, and I feel it's unfair for him to be using that as a way of him choosing what he pays me.

My question is - do I gamble and go officially and see if I'm entitled to More or less, or do I keep quiet and continue with what he's giving me.

I feel really resentful that our child is disabled yet I have had to give up my career and shoulder the financial Burden. Full disclosure I'm married, my dh and I are not on the breadline by any stretch but it is a bit of a juggle, and I guess the current cost of living crisis is hitting us.

Gold medal to
Anyone who has stuck with that - so
Long - sorry

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 05/07/2022 07:40

Yes you go - because then you know that you are at least getting the amount that prescribes

Iamnotamermaid · 05/07/2022 07:50

Go official -At least you know that it will be fair.

the fact your ex now has his gfs dc could be irrelevant (I am not sure) seeing as she ought to be getting maintenance from their father? If she is not that should not be your problem.

Original poster

theskyispurple · 05/07/2022 07:55

Iamnotamermaid · 05/07/2022 07:50

Go official -At least you know that it will be fair.

the fact your ex now has his gfs dc could be irrelevant (I am not sure) seeing as she ought to be getting maintenance from their father? If she is not that should not be your problem.

Legally that's the case regardless of what the mums income is and whether she gets maintenance or not- they look at the number of kids in the house that the man lives in.
I know sometimes that might be appropriate but it doesn't feel it in most!

OP posts:

Longdistance · 05/07/2022 07:57

He should be providing for his own kids, not his random gf kids. Go to CMS now. Your dc can’t live on fresh air. He’s doing it out of spite.

lunar1 · 05/07/2022 07:59

Make an official claim, at least you will have stability. What does he do for a living and how much does he pay?

I will never understand why step children affect how much he should pay.

LittleOwl153 · 05/07/2022 07:59

The question is how realistic is what he is paying do you think? Has he paid the same for 11 years? Whilst I appreciate certain sectors haven't had great rises in that time most have gone up something.

If you can make a stab at what he earns, look at similar job adverts etc, then you can plug the numbers into the CMS calculator and see what it proposes to give you an idea of what is correct. He is right living with 2 other kids means his official figure will reduce (I agree a disgrace) but many find that their ex has been lying for years about how much they earn/should pay so CMS gives them a good increase. But the paying (father) knows they are on to a good thing so keeps the line of 'it will go down if you push it...' to keep the (woman) inline.

(As an aside I assume you are claiming all the dla / carers etc for your son. As a parent of a disabled child I known its a tough gig!)

CrossStichQueen · 05/07/2022 08:04

As I understand it the money would only reduce if your ex had more biological children. The fact that is new partner already has DC will not change how much CMS decide he should pay.

If you know what job he does Google vacancies for that role so you can get an idea of how much he earns and use that figure in the CMS calculator so you have a rough idea if it will be more ir less than you receive now.

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/07/2022 08:08

Maintenance does go down if your ex moves in with a woman with children unfortunately but it is difficult since you don't know how much he earns to know whether this will be more or less than you currently get.

The fact that the new gf also gets child maintenance has no impact whatsoever on how much your ex pays. Totally unfair.

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/07/2022 08:11

Step 4 of CMS: other children that your ex lives with.

FilePhoto · 05/07/2022 08:12

As I understand it the money would only reduce if your ex had more biological children. The fact that is new partner already has DC will not change how much CMS decide he should pay.

Wrong! It's a disgrace! I'd go via CMS. Then he can't mess you around. I'd be almost certain he's underpaying as well!

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/07/2022 08:16

Your ex's new live-gf could get £4000 pcm child maintenance but yours will still go down just because he lives with her kids, even if he doesn't pay a penny towards them.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 05/07/2022 08:29

I think in this situation I'd go to CMS. It's objective, even if it doesn't feel entirely "fair" on you. And you can say to your ex that you just want it to be straightforward, not cause arguments or resentment, and not have the anxiety of him randomly reducing the amount when he feels like it.

If he can afford a holiday with at least 3 kids and two adults, I would guess he is under-paying you. And even if the CMS decide he is not underpaying you, if and when the situation changes (eg his income goes up) you will get your "slice" of it without an argument

If you go to CMS you will entrench the position whereby he is keeping "his" kids clothes and not paying for extras, but now he has started doing that anyway I imagine he would never go back to paying for extras or sharing clothes.

Does he only have the boys at weekends? I would suggest he takes them Saturday night and Sunday night. That way he has to provide them with what they need for a Monday: school uniform, school shoes, school bag, lunchbox, PE kit etc. And you can cheerfully tell him, no you won't be providing those in the same way he is no longer sharing costs of any other clothes or expenses for the boys. Maybe he will then see he is being arbitrary and ridiculous and help out more with the costs of raising the boys.

QuirkyTurtle · 05/07/2022 09:27

It's tricky because as you say, you could end up getting a whole lot less. The CMS amount is really not very high, especially if he has several overnight stays a week and has two additional dependents now. You might be surprised at how low it actually is.

Original poster

theskyispurple · 05/07/2022 09:54

Interesting update - I asked him for his payslip and he said no problem and then went on to avoid giving it to me in anyway. He says he's put it through the online calculator and needs to increase it by £35 a month which he will do.
So now I know I won't get less, I'll probably go through the cma because the only reason I can think that he isn't showing me it is because he's hiding something.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 05/07/2022 09:55

If he has said it is increasing by that much then I suspect it will increase by more

Longdistance · 05/07/2022 17:47

I call bullshit on him and just go for CMS. He’s clearly lying through his teeth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2022 17:54

Definitely make it official. Then it’s a known quantity.

Frankola · 05/07/2022 17:55

I would go to CMS. Get what you're owed.

However, I have to say that you mentioning his girlfriends divorce settlement as a reason her children have a nice life isn't very nice. They might have material things but they don't have their dad at home do they? I understand your frustration though. You should get what you are entitled to

Original poster

theskyispurple · 05/07/2022 17:57

Done it, made the formal application. Thanks all for helping me get a bit of context...it's so hard when you have a lot of emotion ...he was very emotionally and financially abusive to me which is why I left him, I'd forgotten because he's been so 'nice' the last year or so.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2022 17:58

Well done.

Original poster

theskyispurple · 05/07/2022 18:01

Frankola · 05/07/2022 17:55

I would go to CMS. Get what you're owed.

Oh I really didn't mean it like that, I mean he's told me that she is wealthy from her divorce and an inheritance and because of that they have the material things. And I begrudge the fact that my ex can afford to buy very expensive trainers and lots of clothes for my kids to keep at his house, and yet I'm shopping in charity shops for mine.
That's a bit of an exaggeration but my issue isn't with his gf or the kids who seem lovely, but with my ex who ruined me financially, lied, went bankrupt and seems to have fallen on his feet. It irks a bit.

OP posts:

Flip