How to break up with a narcissistic emotionally abusive husband? Scared to leave ***Contains graphic detail some may find upsetting***

[Forests90]

Hi, first time post so bit new to me..sorry if rambling but I'm at the end of my tether..
I feel I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship and at times boarder line physical/ sexually abusive..he is very good at manipulation and can put on a good show to the outside..and when he needs something.. i feel trapped with him as he has eroded my self esteem and confidence and I find myself questioning myself all the time, making excuses for him, feeling like it might be me who's the problem, but I know he doesn't treat me right and seems to enjoy making me feel insecure and like I need him..even though he brings nothing to the table, he doesn't contribute to our 3 children, I have basically done all the parenting on my own, he just occasionally puts on the fun act when it suits him.
He is very arrogant and is always talking about himself and puts me down.
Im not sure if he's cheated but I have my suspicions, if he hasn't he still plays the field creates situations that are hurtful with his ex and other women and sometimes I think it's done on purpose to make me jealous..I don't trust him because of this but he blames me for my insecurities.
I feel I need to leave him but scared how much he can make my life a misery..and despite everything I still love him and fool for his charm he is like Jekyll and Hyde..I feel he has kind of groomed me for a long time ( family friend long history) and I can't find the strength to leave.
I'm scared I will regret leaving him, and will end up on my own with 3 kids whilst he will put on his charm and meet someone else and make me out to be crazy.
I'm also scared he will disappear and not see the kids which he has threatened to do and has done when we broke up in the past( he didn't see kids for nearly a year..no contact..then turned up out the blue and I stupidly fell for his charm.. again)
Sorry for rant.. just need some affirmation I guess that I'm not crazy and maybe some positive happy ending stories if anyone else made the break?

You're not crazy, he is a bastard and you need to leave. There are endless stories here on Mumsnet of people who have broken away and now live happy fulfilled lives (me too) and almost no stories of people who regret it.

But you might benefit from some counselling to understand why you let him back in to your life - you and your children don't deserve this kind of abuse.

By leaving, you take the control out of his hands and put it firmly back into your own.

Otherwise he's the dictator of the rest of your life.

I could have written this. Word.for.word.

I would never have left if I’m honest, I never wanted to break up our family or hurt anyone.

he took it out of hands by one day just checking out. Has told everyone I was a cheating abusive monster, has told awful stories about our children in order to justify to the outside world why our family had fallen apart. He reported me and my children to the police, smashed up cars and changed the locks to our home twice. He threatened many times to throw our minor children on to the street.

however by so brutally discarding us, he has set me free. I have met somebody new (after healing) and I no longer feel any need to keep him happy by being small and miserable. I could not even look up in the street in case I caught someone’s eye and was therefore cheating.

it has taken a long time to finally feel relaxed but I am being treated with love respect and passion like I am precious. It is an amazing feeling, I’m no longer ground down, I’m giddy.

im so sorry you are going through this, but only you can decide to leave and stay strong and mean it. It’s very difficult with children and finances to consider. Someone on mums net talked about trauma bonding and codependency which I read up about and recognised in myself.

I wish you all the luck in the world, there can be happiness in life

Thanks so much for your messages, it's is a relief to hear there's light at the end of the tunnel!
So sorry to hear you have experienced this abuse too..it really wears you down, honestly Ive forgot what a happy healthy relationship feels like.
He is also very controlling, he says if I ever leave him and meet anyone else he will put them in hospital and he will end up in prison and the kids won't have a dad.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, he tells me what I should eat, drink, won't let me get a hair cut, I don't feel comfortable to put on my music, or watch what I want on TV if I have a opinion on anything he will talk me down, ridicule me.. undermine me around the kids,
I do everything around the house and for the kids and all he does is pick holes.
..he doesn't pay towards the kids but always has money to buy weed and he always buying himself cool clothes like a bloody teenager..I'm literally wearing rags and haven't got myself new clothes for years!

I admit I do have jealousy issues now but I didn't at the beginning when he was seemingly nice
It all started when he started sleeping around his exes house when I just had our baby..it was when he visited his son who was 10yr but it was only 20min away and his excuse was he couldn't afford the petrol money ..he did this every week and it made me feel sick..he would almost enjoy watching me hurt over it..he was suddenly the nice guy for her and did nothing for us. He would hide text from her..and planned to sleep in her bed on my birthday night apparently so she could have a night out.. instead of doing something for my birthday!

He then had text from another women pop up on his phone he frantically deleted in front of my eyes acting guilty as hell and then called me a crazy fucking bitch in front of my kids saying there was no txt and I imagined it.
I also found her key with her name on it..asked him about it he went crazy ripped of the tag threw it in the bin..then said he was just feeding her cat whilst she was on holiday..
There's endless more insensitive things and red flags that have caused me to not trust him. I think most women would be hurt and suspicious
The fact is the trust is gone and I can't spend my life second guessing it will drive me mad.

He has always had a sort of connection with me..he was my uncles friend..had a shit life, was adopted, runaway teenager..my nan took him in
When I was a young teen he was always very matey with me .made me feel like we connected..would take me down the road to his car to smoke weed when I was at family doos..I confided in him about stuff...he never did anything as such but it was inappropriate looking back on it for a 30 odd year old.. Now I do kind of see it as grooming. I think thats why I find it so hard to break away..it's like hes been working on me most my life. I do need counseling. I agree about the trauma bond it's seems very fitting.
It's lovely to hear you're free and happy again..
It must feel like a massive weight has been lifted.
I just need to keep reminding myself of all the misery he's caused and stop clinging on to this fake idea of him ..it's not really him.
It helps to right this all down ..when's it's put down in writing it makes it clearer in my mind

This sounds truly awful and he sounds deranged, and dangerous.

I often see Womens Aid/Refuge? Recommended to posters.

please look up online all the places you can seek help from.

Best of luck.

Definitely leave him. Sounds like you have put up with far too much already.
I don't want to frighten you but my Ex got worse after I left, so just to warn you amd expect that but in the long run you will be be free and find peace x

Also I did the same as you and I wrote a list of all the bad things he did to me and nasty words he called me and I used to look at it to help me continue to move forward. I know that is quite negative but now it has been 18 months for me and I have made a new list of positives that have come from leaving and I tend to look at this list now. It does help x