fair separation?

[geentee99]

Just writing for advice really. Relationship seems to be at an end. Not married. I'm a professional and DP has struggled to find work all the time we've been together - 15 yrs (has had a couple of jobs but left after 6 to 18m) . Now has a freelance position in field they have been working toward getting into. There is 12 yr old in the mix. For the first 3 to 4 years DP was at home. My job was intense. Was away a lot working (in UK and internationally), trying to advance career. But it didn't really take off - stayed at same level for 12 years - and have been struggling to make ends meet. Some resentment set in on my part as when they were working they still didn't make contribution to the household. I've consistently covered mortgage (house in my name), bills and food. Apparently I've been horrible and DP wants to leave. Obvs can't stop them. They are free to go but I'm hurting that there is little appreciation of stress/strain I've been under (including hitting peri-meno in that time - am now post-M and on HRT which makes me feel much better). They are ready to walk with nothing and to rent. I feel I should sell house and make an offer. DP will have nothing (no family either). What would you do? TIA.

Well - I wouldn't give anyone half my house thats for sure.

He's said he wants to go so let him go. There is plenty of perfectly acceptable rental accommodation around - he can live there, surely?

I think more info is needed.

For example, how much of the house-running and child care did your DP do, compared to you - and were you able to keep working because of it?

Who put up the original deposit for the house?

Who will your 12 year old live with post split up?

Child will live with both of us - we will remain friendly and co-parent. I definitely couldn't have done my job without their support for the intensive travel period which was probably about first 5 years. At same time I was very involved when home. Child was in nursery since about 12 or so months (part time initially then full time then school and after school club and holiday club - all paid by me).

Sorry should probably say, neither of us have any family where we live. My family live on other continents and I would take child with me for long periods too - 2 weeks here, 5 weeks there - to give the other a break.

house deposit - all me.
I would say things split evenly. I've done all admin. They tended to pick up but more cleaning (any painting/ bits of DIY that needed doing). But I'd sort boiler etc. Apols for extended response. I'm a bit upset. It stings.

you're not married - is the house in your name?

they lived off you for a while "'I've consistently covered mortgage (house in my name), bills and food."

Its ok to let them leave with what they have

If you were married then you'd have to look into selling the house or buying them out.

Legally the house is all yours and your pensions and savings don't need to be touched.

Is it possible for you to raise a lump sum so he could put down a deposit, buy furniture etc immediately ?

I think if you were a man you’d be told that your partner made your career possible, and that everything should be shared. You’d get short shrift talking about how you paid for everything.

So you've paid for the entire house, all the bills, everyone's food. Your DP has lived with you rent free, had all their bills paid, and been fed by you, for all those years. And now they're leaving, you think you need to give them something more? Why?

If the house is only yours I think the fair thing is to give him a percentage of the equity but how much depends on you both needing to be adequately housed for the sake of the dc

Legally you probably don’t owe anything
morally I agree with floydpepper

i wouldn’t offer half but I think you should offer something ….,

Some resentment set in on my part as when they were working they still didn't make contribution to the household. I've consistently covered mortgage (house in my name), bills and food

Not if the working partner then refused to contribute

Thanks for all messages/responses. I did already have a (senior) career and house (which I sold to put down deposit on this one). DP moved from another city to live together. Aim was he would work for his org remotely but it didn't work out and then we had the child (we both wanted) and I had the job/career (I would never have given it up or gone PT in any case). I'm not going to do anything at the moment. This is quite new and I just want to start thinking about what to do and what's fair. I know my position legally but its important DP is ok not least so that the child does not worry about inequality. There is equity in the house but it is large (4 bed) and needs work. I couldn't keep it and pay them. Think I'd have to sell, downsize and then offer a share. Thanks.