Toxic relationship breakdown - hard to let go

[LondonerWith2]

I dont know where to start but my relationship with partner (6 years and 2 kids) ended in Jan, I say ended, I moved out, but we kept sleeping together, speak every day, he regularly stays at my house.
We werebboth aware of the issues in our relationship but wanted it to work, on 13 June I had a serious op which had life threatening consequences in the days after leaving me in HDU in hosp.
When I came home , he was lovely the first day so cuddly, we slept together etc and then he came out with he's happier alone etc etc

Last night we were texting (as usual) when I noticed that his texting language had changed, like a female was texting me, so I just said I'm gonna ask it, have you been speaking with someone else and he said yes he's been communicating with a girl he went to school with (has never mentioned her to me in 6 years so she's not a friend I've ever known)

My self respect is telling me this is the end but it hurts so bsd. Why does he get to go on and I'm the one hurting and raising our babies
I don't have much support which is why I end up going back every time

I love him so much and the pain is something I've never felt

Oh you poor thing. He’s a shit for sleeping with you and then telling you he’s happier alone. My ex did that to me a few weeks ago. And like you I still wanted him back. It’s trauma bonding, not love. With a crappy relationship you get so hung up on waiting for the highs that come after the lows that you lose perspective. You deserve better, someone who doesn’t see you as an option, but who thinks the sun shines out of your arse!

I know it’s easy to say and feels impossible to do, but you need to firm up your boundaries, make sure you don’t sleep with him again, and start to properly plan your life without him in it. If need be see the GP and get some medication to get you over this hump - I’ve just started on some anti-depressants as I was still struggling with the loss after several months. I had thought I could do it alone, but I need some help and that’s ok. Do you have good friends and family close by?

You can do it.

And stop texting him about anything except child related contact. He’s not your friend. If you need a chat, come on here.

Yeah I know, it was weird because for the first time in a long time the sex was spontaneous and loving and felt like relief from me coming out of hospital safely and he was just so pleased, but he even said yesterday 'well you instigated it' like I forced myself on him

I do have good friends and family but all have negative views so can't talk to them without an unbiased response
Also, as a teen I was put on anti depressants and was hooked by 17 so this isn't an option for me x

You make so much sense, thank you

I guess I just wanted him to know what he's done to me, and how cruel it really is
I downloaded this today as i was at a loss just crying and needed a pick me up
Hopefully this community is what I need