I’m really sorry but this is a long message.
I am living in the most bizarre situation right now. I am from an Indian background, have been married for over 20years. Been with him for 30years. I’m in the mid forties so he was the first guy I dated and married. We have two great boys aged 16 and 10. I gave up work to look after the home after my second and have since been working temping jobs as he works long hours. I do everything for the boys and the housework. He enjoys doing the cooking.
Communication has always been an issue. An argument ends in silent treatment and me apologising even when it’s not my fault. This has gone on for years and to be honest I remember my mum used to do this to my dad while I was growing up and I thought this was normal. I know now that this is not.
I have always been the one who makes the comprises. We live with his parents and even though he doesn’t get on with them, they do it because we just do. The house is in my husbands name and we don’t have any joint accounts.
Just before covid hit, he went away with his friends and after they got back I heard one of his drunken conversations with them about him cheating on me while he was away with them.
It kicked off and he denied it, but I knew it was true. He just didn’t admit it. We were still trying to work through our issues and was blaming me for not being there for him and the usual bullshit blame game. Then we went into lockdown.
During lockdown I had major problems with my younger son. He became extremely anxious and although he was only 8, he would talk about killing himself as he said he didn’t like what he was feeling. I was totally devastated for him and reached out to his school for help. They were brilliant and allowed him to be included under the key worker children and go back to school for the last few weeks of term before the summer. During the second lockdown he was definitely more settled and he was having weekly video calls with pastoral counsellor and his form tutor.
During the time I was having trouble with my younger one I ended up looking up personality disorders as I seriously thought there was something wrong with my son. I realised then that my husband was full NPD. I had never heard of this before. Basically every trait described is him and I have noticed similar traits in his parents and extended family so I am certain that I’m right. I spoke to a therapist as I was going through a really hard time and they agreed with me too.
My husband and I are living together to co-parent but we are not together anymore. He has tried to reconnect but I felt we were in a space that the distance between us was good and we managed to live together as friends. He has been emotionally abusive over the years, but after doing hours and hours of research, I was almost able to play the game and it we were able to live day to day relatively amicably. There have been problems and he is quite controlling, but I always defend my boys and try to protect them from him as much as I can.
My older son has been sitting his GCSEs and my younger son is due to start secondary school in September.
He booked to go abroad with the same group of friends last week to the same place that he cheated. He didn’t tell me. I found out by accident and it all kicked off. I was upset that he had left me with very little time to arrange childcare as I was working. He’s back now and honestly I don’t think I can live with him anymore. Although I know he’s been having an emotional affair for the past two years, knowing he’s been to see her changes it for me.
I spoke to him this morning when the boys were not here and said I can’t live with him. But I just don’t know how I will manage on my own. I know many women do it, but I don’t have a regular income, as much money as he does or confidence to manage without him. I am co-dependant I realise that and have been working really hard to break the cycle.
Im very aware that I want my boys to know right from wrong and I know making the break is the right thing to do, but can I do it? How will I make this work? Am I throwing away the stability for my boys or am I showing them how to stand up for themselves when something isn’t right? Do I have any rights if we don’t have any joint accounts? If he leaves, I’ll be left with his parents as I know they won’t leave.
My head is all over the place at the moment and I know I have to start thinking straight to get through this. Thank you for reading if you got to the end.