Passing on advice from my therapist “what do YOU want?”

[sleepymum50]

I stuck in the separation phase, but still living in the same house. I had advice from a solicitor, but haven’t appointed one yet.

I saw my therapist yesterday after a difficult two weeks.

My husband and I have had a couple of bad rows, he’s saying I’ll have to take him to court ref the house etc etc.

so, I’m midflow to the therapist “Dh says this”, “dh says that”, and she interrupts “what do you want?”. And she had to keep saying that to me, because he is in my head first last and centre.

we unpicked it and she told me he treats me as a child. He is like a patronising father, and he’s been doing it to me for so long, I’m conditioned to the role.

so, my mantra this week is What do I want?”. sounds simple, but turns out I need to pay someone to tell me that.

Well done for listening and taking it on board. Do not let him dictate what happens. Sending hugs and be strong vibes x

Good for you, sounds like the therapist is worth seeing again.

Yep that's therapy. Keep at it OP.

This is some of the very best advice I have ever read on MN.

Well done OP for taking it on board, more power to your elbow, and stay strong.

I needed to pay someone too, it was my divorce lawyer! She was absolutely right, and when I look back I see that at the start of proceedings I was constantly making decisions based on what exh would accept or want and not what I wanted for myself. Hard habit to break! Good luck!

Thankyou everyone. I think more women need this as their mantra.

I see it every time a women posts about their husbands not pulling their weight around the house or with the kids.

Everytime a woman posts about their partner having more disposable income or more free time than they do.

And even in divorce the women are wondering what’s best for the children, even when it’s obvious their partner doesn’t have a care.

Its not an excuse to be selfish, but sometimes you need it just to make things more fair.

Exactly this! When my counsellor stopped me talking about my concerns for everyone else and asked what I want, it really stopped me in my tracks. So silly when you think about it. And sad at the same time.

I’m also making this my new mantra. Thank you for posting @sleepymum50 - I’m in a similar situation, separating but still living under the same roof so if you need a buddy, dm me.

I recently realised that if I just asked myself what I wanted m, things were easier. I wasn’t second guessing myself or doing things I didn’t really want to do

I know how you feel OP. H is first, last and centre and I'm so used to thinking he's right and I'm not, it's hard to break that conditioning.

Exactly right. I was used to making every decision based on what would cause the least bad reaction out of him. Even in the divorce process I've been so scared to rock the boat. Very wise words from your therapist

Great advice OP, keep going x

@sleepymum50 that is beyond excellent advice. I’m not divorcing or anything, but reading your post and thinking about the question “what do I want?” has made me realise I have been putting everyone else’s opinions and wants above my own. Being a people pleaser sucks!

I'm going to start thinking and doing more of what I want. Not to be selfish, but in a I matter too way.

Good luck with the divorce, you matter too 💐

If I acknowledge my gut, I know what I want, but I just can't seem to answer this question logically in my head! Don’t seem to be able to block out other's needs. I can say what I don't want though! Weird

Thank you for sharing and yes, this is a great advice. I have been separated for over a year now from a very narcissistic ex. It is when my therapist told me something similar that I actually worked up a courage to tell him I did not want to stay together anymore. She told me, “You do not have to have a reason why you want to divorce your husband. The fact that this is what you want is enough.“ Even now, I find myself doing things I do not really want and realize that that it is his voice I hear in my head telling me what to do. I am free of him physically, but I guess it will take a long time to free myself emotionally and mentally from his control and abuse.