Hello again mumsnet,
I am struggling. I have been coping and coping… and in my husbands defence I’ve never really laid out to him (so that he really hears it) how unhappy I am. I’m ‘happy go lucky’ and when things are good I just carry on even though there are all these things under the surface.
I’ve been fantasising about separation for years but never acted on it. I’m scared about the changes in my life (how would I afford to live?) and losing my home (it was my nans and we bought it after she died, I could never afford it on my own so it would
be lost). We have a 4 year old.
Also what if it’s the wrong decision? I do love him but I’m not sure it’s enough. Maybe it’s more of a companionship love (although the sex is great, We love sex).
I’m terrified of how awful he would be to me if we separated (my only ever previous post on here gives an idea)…
I often feel invisible and that he really doesn’t see or hear me. His lack of contribution to the physical aspects of a life together aside (cooking/cleaning etc… I mean, we all have to eat FFS… why is it one persons job?!?)
I have unhealthy coping mechanisms… I’ve contacted my doctor today for therapy to help me with this as I’m only hurting myself.
I’m always so anxious about anyone being unhappy with me and I know I would be creating unhappiness to him and his whole family. I don’t know if I could cope with this.
But this weekend something tipped me over. I was away with friends. A friend I’ve known for a long time saw me. I mean he ‘saw’ me. He was kind, and noticed that everyone else had eaten and I hadn’t, he asked if I was hungry…. and when I was driving us home he offered me water and took the lid off and passed it to me. I know this sounds really stupid but it was such a small thing and I felt really seen and thought about. I made a very small ‘humph’ noise when someone pulled in front of the car too close on the motorway and he heard me as asked if everything was ok. I could never repeat this to DH because he wouldn’t understand the point and it would sound like I’m pointing the finger at him. They were such small things.
DH had a vasectomy (for both of us) and started treatment for ADHD 7 months ago. This has made an absolutely huge difference compared to before.. but I’m not sure I’m still in this.
ever since I got home 3 days ago I’ve been feeling constantly sick. I can’t stop thinking about my friend and how he made me feel and that feels me with anxiety even more so.
everything is ok at home at the moment so I’d hate to start this conversation with him… but I know the next time he goes off about something I’m going to flip (I’m not aggressive or shouty, but I think I will very quickly resort to ‘I can’t do this anymore, I want to trial a separation’.)
I suppose that’s only a matter of time. I can’t keep it together anymore.
I guess I’m just rambling because a problem shared is a problem halved. I hope I can get some therapy (and strength and resolve) soon.