He’s getting nasty

[RedDart2022]

My stbx has found out I’m seeing someone. I had to get the police involved (separated 15m). He’s turned our 4 kids against me (22yo twins, 18yo and 17yo).
Im being given the silent treatment and they are saying the most hurtful things. Feeling broken and wondering when life will be normal. He’s dragging out the financial side of the divorce!
The kids say he’s moving back in and I’m so worried. He’s accusing me of all sorts. I knew this was coming, as he is a narcissist. Having a social life and seeing someone has sent him over the edge and I’m scared of him and what he’s going to do next.
Has anybody experienced this kind of behaviour?

Yes, after 5 years fighting for my divorce against a narc I started a relationship with someone new just before the absolute - very bad news.
He started it all over again and it was 2 years and massive stress before I finally got the absolute.
Starting a new relationship before the absolute really sets off a narc, they still see you as their property.
Its best to stay single until its over or keep the relationship absolutely secret if you want a relatively pain free divorce, tell them you can't imagine having another relationship right now.
It is extremely aggravating but in a divorce situation you have to be clever if you want your own way.

My god, sounds like sheer hell. I hope you found happiness!
He is beside himself with jealousy. He’s accused me of neglecting the (not so young) children. Feeding them lies and acting like a victim and one of my children is treating me exactly the same way he does. He’s told the kids he’s moving back in and if he does, it’s going to be hell!
Just trying to control me, as he always used to.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky almost identical to my story. Once I started seeing someone two years after we broke up he started to drag the whole divorce process out. Hold your head up, your two oldest are nearly adults and he won't always have a hold over them ... that's what everyone tells me anyway!

So sorry for both of you, my divorce was in the early 90's and yes I went to have a very happy life once the divorce came through.
I remember DS would play up and be nasty but it was because he was confused and his father fed him a load of lies like yours.
But he came round, I just showed him unconditional love and didn't rise to the bait. He'd always be awful when he came back from his fathers.
DS is nearly 40 now - him, DiL and i live together as they can't afford their own home so we bought one together with granny annexe.
We were talking about this a couple of weeks ago, he said his father traumatised him with his behaviour and because he couldn't take it out on him he took it out on me but is glad we got divorced. We've always talked honestly about things.
It will get better but in my experience a new relationship at this stage unless its kept well away from kids and ex always complicates everything.
The kids can't cope with someone else around when they are going through an experience like this.
You will get rid of him, there is nothing he can do about it. Just do what you've got to do to get through it.
I fed my ex a load of lies just to get the absolute then did whatever I wanted afterwards.

Are you still in contact with him?? If so there is no need, your kids are basically adults and can sort themselves out. Talk through solicitors only in regards to divorce.

Next, sit down with your kids and have an adult conversation. They don’t get to treat you like shit because you’re moving on. Explain to them that while divorces are hard on everyone you shouldn’t have to be unhappy forever to keep their dad quiet. But I wouldn’t discuss any relationships with them / introduce new partner to lessen the vitriol.

Take a big deep breath and know that soon you’ll be rid of the fucker and life will go on.

I’m not in contact with him but he’s stalked me a couple of times lately and I’ve seen him drive by my work.
I have had to call the police but think there’s not a lot they can do. In fact, I found them very patronising. I know there will be another incident, he can’t help himself.
Im feeling a lot better today, with the support of friends and the responses on mumsnet.
thank you all x

Hi @RedDart2022 ... so sorry to hear that you are going through this! 😔I went through something similar myself (was married to a narc) although I have only two young kids. Sounds like it could get a bit dangerous especially if he's stalking you... I just went to a solicitor to get advice, although I was really nervous, they turned out to be helpful. Everyones advice here is very helpful, but I agree with @Ostryga, a solicitor will be able to fight your matter, taking everything personal to you into account! I can give you the name of mine, was a lovely man named Raheem, at Aylesbury Lawyers. I went to other consultations but ended up going with him, because he could represent my matters in court too (very reasonable price as well)... wishing you all the best... I hope this helps. Sending hugs x

My solicitor has suggested a restraining order, if and incident occurs again.
I actually had a weekend away and he’s been in the House, while the children were there. My mail was disturbed and there was a camera, which has now disappeared.
I asked my kids and one said he had gone beserk when he saw the camera and smashed it up. Don’t think there’s a lot I can do about it. Should I report it to the police?

Yes 100% report it! Call them now.

Sorry you’re having to go through this, he sounds like a prick.

I will do after work. Our divorce isn’t finalised yet and although he doesn’t live in the family home he can still go in the house. Can’t even change the locks because he can just change them back.
Just want this to be over!