How do I know if I am being emotionally abused

[Norman75]

my OH and I have been together for over 20 years and have children together. We live a comfortable lifestyle together but I have not been happy for many years now. His behaviour in the past has been violent, though not so physically for some time now. I can't seem to forget what he used to be like. I find him controlling and a lot of the time I feel like I am walking on egg shells. He is rude and racist and I am worried about the effect this will be having on the children. He says that he loves me and that I would not be able to survive without him. He comments on what I am wearing but then can also be really nice to me and says that all couples argue and that I am just over reacting. Most of the money is in his name although the house is in joint names. I just don't know what to do. I don't have the money to just up and leave. There is so much more.

You are unhappy. That’s the only thing you need to know to base your plans and decisions on

Do the quiz on Women's Aid. FLOW may help. Try Citizens Advice Bureau. The Rights of women. Affordable Justice only deal with women. Feeling like you are walking on eggshells is a sign/indicator of abuse as you are trying to avoid a potential reaction by amending your behaviour.

You need to get things sorted out with the money, especially if you are not married as he can totally fuck you over by taking the money and forcing the sale of the house.

Get some legal advice quietly and quickly so you know what you're position is asap.

I wish girls were taught in school to never buy a house with someone or have a baby unless you are married as unmarried women with or without children have NO rights and usually less pay. We need to start telling young women to get legal advice before living with someone. I'm really scared about what is happening to all the unmarried women who think they have "common law wife" status or having kids protects them. When in reality, the father doesn't have to provide anything more than a pittance maintenance, reduced if he goes to live with a woman with her own kids, even if she gets full whack from her ex! He doesn't have to house them. It's shocking. Then the part-time working mums can't afford a solicitor and barely any legal aid available. The system is set up to penalise unmarried women. Its broken. Tread carefully and get your ducks in a row, don't let him know what you are thinking and get your share of those savings. Hid correspondence and bank statements with a good friend. Good luck.

That phrase "walking on eggshells" is a red flag. I recently spoke to Women's Aid and they asked me if I was feeling like that. Try speaking to them. They are experts on this.

If you're not happy, it's immaterial whether he's emotionally abusing you or not. Your only decision is to either stay where you'll never be happy, or leave and have the possibility of becoming happy again. Leaving wouldn't, of course, be easy so no one can make that decision except you.