Holiday abroad

[wrigglewriggles]

Need some perspective

Separated from ex for 18 months but have been living separately for the last 8 months after finally selling the family home.
We have three children.

Since living separately the children haven't spent more than 3 nights with ex. Visitation is worked around his work schedule and he typically gives me one or two days notice of when he can next see the children and tells me how long he can see them for. We have a court date in September to work things out formally. Until then I'm stuck with the current set up of not being able to plan anything. He can go anywhere from 4 days to 2 weeks between time spent with the children.

He decided yesterday (after months of me asking) that we should work out a plan for the school holidays and that he would like to take the children abroad.

Now I have no problem with and welcome a plan for visitation for the next few months. However, I am having a big problem with him taking the children abroad.
My reasons being

• He hasn't spent more than 4 days with them at a time over the past 8 months.

• Middle child has only recently started agreeing to do over nights at his house.

• middle child isn't very good with changes to routine

• youngest child is two.

• children are used to having daily contact with me as I work in the same school as them. I get a hello and goodbye every day at least.

• ex has been unreliable with sticking to visitation agreements. Even though he's the one setting the terms each time. For example he will return the children earlier or later than planned without any prior communication, keep the children for an extra night. He didn't turn up for two weeks with no explanation as to why. I since found out it was because he was actually working out of the country.

So, hit me with it. Given the above would I be unreasonable to say that for now I am not in agreement with him taking the children abroad but am open to it when children are older and more settled and he's had them for a longer period of time in this country.

You sound controlling. Your ex would like to take the children on holiday, not to a gulag.

The children have a right to holiday with both parents.

A holiday can strengthen their relationship.

Let him crack on. He can sort passports and new gear for the trip.
Given his commitment so far will he bother?

I think it would be better if he tried a holiday in this country first but I don't know what you can do to stop him really if he's hell bent on going abroad, and who knows maybe they'll enjoy it. I'd back off though with trying to organise him and wait for the court date, without you chivvying him along he probably won't get round to organising anything. Perhaps tell him you're really looking forward to doing x, y or z when he takes them away - he'll probably lose interest then.

I disagree with the other poster. He needs to establish a routine in this country before he takes them abroad. The two year old for example does he understand their routine? Would the two year old feel secure for a full week? If things don't work out, it's not a simple case of dropping them off.

We built up slowly our time with step children before taking them abroad. One week at our home on a stay cation, one week in this country, then one week abroad.

It's lovely though he wants to take them, so I wouldn't discourage it in principle just build up to it.

He has no intention of taking them ime. He wants to be able to say you won't agree to it and be the Bad Guy here...

I kind of agree with @Lizzieismagic - it's all pie in the sky and won't happen.

I know you won't want them to go but can you reasonably stop it? Can you get holidays formalised in court too and that you have the right to prevent them if he doesn't meet his commitment to the children? I think you need to get this clarified for next year but for this year roll with it so he can't make you out as obstructive.

I would but set out some fair conditions. One week. You know where and when he wants to go before he books. You know who he is travelling with (if anyone but is it likely he would take all three alone?)

Then ask the children if they want to go? If they don't then no.

If it get past this point and he's just before he's booking make it clear he provides and packs their cases and buy new clothes as needed, toiletries and toys. (I would agree to supply it in large shopping type bags and I'd unpack wash it on return and if feeling particularly amenable help to provide cases if I had some handy I'd also supply a filled back pack each for the journey ).

Does it really seem like it is going to happen? Do they have passports?

I think because you work as children's school and see them everyday is not reasonable as a reason for not allowing them (albeit indirectly) as unlikely for most parents. That a lucky advantage you have.

Horrible situation. Children might love it though!

It would be an excellent opportunity for bonding and a chance to step up without you there to step in
let them to

Tell him that first he needs to stablish a routine here and then sort out visitation and make everything official. After that he comes back to discuss holidays abroad.

thanks for the replies. A mixed response but that's what I needed to hear.

I'm not against the idea of a holiday in principle but think things should be more established and reliable before he whisks them off abroad.