Child custody with partner with personality disorder

[Sanabel]

Hi all

I’ve been a long time mumsnet lurker but never posted.

Applogies in advance for the long post !

I have been with my wife for 10 years ( same sex relationship) and we have three children together age 6 , 3 and 10 months. The first two she carried and the youngest I carried.

my wife has always been quite a difficult character at times and had a really troubled childhood and family life but since the kids came along she has been really quite abusive . ( I’ve only just started admitting this and saying that word!) I have long thought maybe she has narcisstic or borderline personality disorder.

Since our first was born she constantly made threats such as “ youl never see her again “ “ I’m taking her to my home time ( 300 miles away ) you are nothing more than a step mum “ my children deserve better than you “ this completely crushed me as all I’ve ever wanted was to me a mum.

She has had a massive issue with anyone saying “ two mums “ and has maintained im not a “ mummy “ children call me muma and her mummy . If anyone has ever referred to us as “ mummies “ or mums she goes mad. This particularly happens with my family. She makes every excuse not to see them and they are always doing or saying something she considers terrible. She regularly makes out I’m unsafe mother if I leave a grape on floor or like a knife on the bench even once. I’m not allowed to take the older two out on my own and I have limited contact and time with them even though I live there she refuses to let me help much.

over the years she has had many angry episodes and lashed out calling me names such as “ pathetic, psychopath, little girl , horrible, mentally ill to name a few . She has been violent only once when she lost her temper , she was apologetic for a day but then later told me that she went to a domestic violence shelter as it was me that hit her. ( I have never in my life hit anyone )

i appreciate she sounds crazy and it’s hard reading this back actually but she does have her kind moments , she is completely devoted to the kids and does everything for them to the point of exhaustion, the. I had always wanted to carry a child but was infertile but 3 years ago I started trying with her embroyos and finally got pregnant with our 3rd child. I realise it sounds like madness under the circumstances but she never let me near the older two and I was desperate to feel connected and nurture a baby.

However since baby no . 3 has arrived she’s gotten worse . Maybe it’s the lack of control now I’ve carried this baby . I’ve started therapy and realise I can’t stay in this and how toxic it is for the kids and for me.

I really want to leave but I’m so scared she’s going to try take the kids away at least the older two which she always threatens.

I’ve tried to take to her about separating and she says that she’s not leaving the house as can’t afford to but anything ( which means I couldn’t if we don’t sell ) and that she wants to separate the kids so I have the baby 5 days and she has the other two 5 days . It would be my wish for the kids to stay together as much as possible and share custody equally .

I have booked an appointment with a lawyer next week but I’ve heard so much that it’s going to cost thousands and family courts are broken etc etc .

I guess I’m just on here to guage all your thoughts , is it worth fighting , do I stand a chance ? What if she says im abusive ? I worked away 3 nights a week when the first was born for 2 years and she says the courts will see I wasn’t there and would never agree to shared custody.

She’s very successful , charming and intelligent to the outside world . The thought of not seeing my kids so much completely breaks my heart and so I get so scared I end up staying.

welcome your thoughts and ideas

xx

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. She IS abusive and this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You do need to leave. Don't be scared about threats - I would suggest speaking to a solicitor and one that specialises in same sex custody if you can.

Are you on the birth certificates/adoption - I'm so sorry but I don't know the full ins and outs of same sex birth certificates etc.?

You working away has NOTHING to do with anything, many fathers and in fact mothers have to work away when their children are small so that is a threat that just isn't relevant.

Thank you so much for your reply .

yes they were all conceived at a Fertility clinic and both of our names are on the birth certificates. She is referred to mother “ and me as parent 2 on the first two certificates and vice versa on the youngest I carried.

I know I have parental rights / responsibilities as does any second parent / dad but I read so many stories of dads only being able to see their kids once every other weekend and one night in week etc . It would absolutely break me to see them so little .

I read so many mums on here on divorce forums etc saying that their kids need one secure home and that the dad is always working etc so they should be with mum majority of time. I am in the position of having been in the traditional “ dad “ and now “ mum “ roles and when I was working full time when the dc1 and 2 were little I didn’t feel any less responsibility for my kids , I was completely devoted I just felt that in that role I had to work and earn money and provide in that way whereas with Dc3 was born my role was/ is to stay at home and take care of him. ( sorry for the rant ! )

She’s also threatening that if I don’t let her keep the House she will move to near her parents miles away as it’s so expensive to buy a house round here which also fills me with fear but if I walk away then I will never be able to get myself a house either as she could never afford to buy me out.

I get myself in so many knots trying to work out I just feel so trapped.

I spoke to a lawyer a few years ago and they advised not to leave the family home until we had an agreement in place otherwise it looks bad but it’s completely impossible with her . I’m so scared to walk away from the kids but same time how do I keep staying in this ?

OP I'm pretty sure the courts start at 50/50 regarding contact nowadays, unless you can come to a seperate agreement.

Honestly, id speak to a solicitor in the first instance and get some updated advice. You can't stay in the relationship, it's not good for you or the kids.

The courts are a getting a lot more unbias towards both parents these days & I think it's situations like this that has made them think about it. The courts want to see the children happy & to have a relationship with both parents equally.

As for the finances, because you have the children, the property and equity will also likely be divided equally, as again, the courts have to see that both parties move forward and both have to equally house all the children.

Get yourself a solicitor, and advise from me would be to get the ball rolling as soon as possible, don't hesitate to proceed to court if your not getting anywhere with progress outside of court.

Coopeymum

thanks so much for your reply.

I spoke to a solicitor this week who also said the same , the courts are keen that children see both parents.

Currently my wife is saying that we should separate the kids , so I live with the one I carried and she takes the other two and then we swap at weekends , I feel terrible about this and want them to be together.

The solicitor said that I need to try and get an agreement in place before I leave the family home as it’s harder to fight after but it is pretty impossible to have rational discussion with my wife without her trying to dictate all the arrangements or make threats of moving away.

I feel your pain, but your solicitor is right. You need to get all of your ducks in a row from the off.

The courts may also want the children to continue having their own relationship with each other, I know they're not blood related, but they'll still have their attachments which are so important.

Good luck!

Thank you

they actually are full biological brothers and sisters - not sure if that makes a difference if not .

we used the same eggs and donor sperm

Well that then absolutely makes it more important that they stay together & move between both parents as a sibling group.

You'll learn more about the importance of that if you pop onto the adoption /fostering forums or read about looked after children.