Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorcing a scary narc

22 replies

VeryWorried1 · 06/06/2022 15:02

My sister is going through the process of divorcing her narcissistic husband. I’m after any advice anyone can offer. We’re all completely terrified. Some background:

She’s been unhappy for a long while but been afraid to leave him as he always says he will destroy anyone he falls out with. He’s a very aggressive person and in his line of work he knows the law well and tries to hurt people with it.They have two young girls. He is staying in the house they own. She is staying with my parents.

The police and social services are involved because of threatening behaviour (witnessed in public by the police.) The social worker is worried he will try and hurt her or my parents. He has threatened to kill her and the children when she left him, though later denied it.

Hes stopped working to prevent her getting maintenance money. Likely taking money cash in hand. She has worked all her life but he was financially abusive and she has nothing in her account to show for it. They are joint owners of a holiday let. He claims he sold it to his cousin.

i don’t really know what I’m asking. Just really scared.

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 06/06/2022 15:11

Get cameras (preferably slightly hidden) set up at your parents, outside and downstairs indoors.

Start getting all her ducks in a row, get deeds from the land registry for owned houses, start a CSA claim even if he’s stopped work, get a hour or two with a good solicitor.

KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 15:13

Put it in the hands of the solicitors. Do not discuss the divorce with him. Only communicate about the children, buy another phone for that communication if necessary.

serene12 · 06/06/2022 15:21

Has your sister engaged with Women’s Aid? WA will be able to support your sister and the children.
Save any evidence of he’s threatening, abusive behaviour and of his financial abuse i.e. bank statements. This will help, especially when deciding what sort of contact the children should have with their dad. Any contact will need to be in the children’s best interests.

Innocenta · 06/06/2022 15:22

Trust your instinct. Take the death threats absolutely seriously despite his denials - it may be too traumatic for your sister to do this, but someone in your family should take on the role of researching what other men like this have done. Laura Richards (founder of Paladin and the host of the Crime Analyst podcast) has done a lot of work in this area too. Safety for your sister and the children (and your parents) should be the first consideration at all times, even if precautions seem too careful or extreme. At minimum set up a safety password with the children so they cannot be collected from anywhere by anyone who doesn't know it.

VeryWorried1 · 06/06/2022 16:07

Taking his threats very seriously. My brother’s line of work means we know the reality of how bad things can end up with individuals like this. At the moment contact is supervised, very worried for the future if he’s allowed to have them by himself.
Will tell her to speak to WA if she hasn’t yet.
Does she need the deeds to the properties? She’s spoken to both banks related to the mortgages on the properties about not selling without her explicit say so. (Although he shouldn’t be able to anyway as they are joint-owned, but who knows?)
What is the worst he can do in terms of depriving her of her financial rights? Although the safety of her girls is the thing that worries us the most.

OP posts:
serene12 · 06/06/2022 16:52

If not already aware, ensure that the school/ nursery are know about the situation. Social services should have informed them.
Any passports that the children have, should not be in his possession. This is to prevent him taking the children abroad.

StarlightExpress28 · 11/06/2022 00:16

I would read “prepare to be tortured. The price you will pay for dating a narcissist ”. It will give you a good insight into how they think so you can get one step ahead. It’s helped me a lot. Good luck.

LemonTT · 11/06/2022 09:28

A dangerous person is dangerous no matter what your sister does or doesn’t do. It is true that abusers up the ante when their victim tries to break free. But they also become emboldened when victims back down. Better to break free once and for all.

You need to keep your sister focused on achieving the best outcome from this situation. That will take courage and support. She must report his behaviour and follow through with course of action. Keep reporting and never minimise what he says or does. Make sure she is never guilted into backing down to “protect” the children. They won’t be protected. He is responsible for his behaviour and if held accountable it is his fault.

In terms of the divorce she needs a good lawyer experienced in abuse cases. She absolutely should get guidance from womens aid or other Womens advocate groups. They can help her with the police and legal aid. They can tell her how to register a beneficial interest in the properties. Actually just Google this and fill in the forms. It’s cheap and easy to do.

One final point, the UK is not a corrupt country, no matter what the headlines or SM frothers claim. The family courts are definitely not corrupt. Her ex won’t be able to bend the law. He can only use the law or take advantage of her unwillingness or lack of knowledge. She needs to use the law and get to know how it can help and protect her. You will all find he is full of piss and vinegar. Claiming he sold a property shows he definitely isn’t as clever as he or you think.

VeryWorried1 · 30/06/2022 21:58

Thank you so much everyone for your advice so far. It has all been very helpful / affirmed our own thoughts.

My sister has a solicitor now, every email/phonecall is soooo expensive and she is slow very to reply. We are desperate for any help/advice.

Some things he has done since I posted last:
Gone to my brother's workplace and made serious false allegations against him. No one believes them but procedures must be followed and it has caused much upset for our brother and us. We weren't expecting something like that at all.

Racked up debts in my sister's name on two credit cards that he had taken out in her name. One is old (2018) and she was aware he had it but never knew it was in her name - she never had a card only he did. He opened it without her permission. The second one she had forgotten he had taken out in her name whilst they were together (citing some reason or other why it had to be in her name). She has frozen both now but is being told by the respective banks she must pay. She has also recieved a tax bill from HMRC - evidently he had been paying her from the company he works for to cheat tax. Of course, she never saw any of this money. She owes thousands altogether.

He has stopped getting paid at all - though we know he's working and a well-paid job -just being paid indirectly. Child maintenance has been calculated at 40pounds a month.

He is staying in the house. She wants to do an occupation order but wants to get her things first (as she is sure he'll destroy them otherwise) but he won't allow that (doors locked from the inside - and he's got a dog now - aggressive breed). He claims the police say he's not allowed to give her access to the house. She is waiting for a police escort to get her things. We have been told if she doesn't get an occupation order then it will weaken her position of needing a home for her and the girls in the eyes of the court. At the same time, the police say they can't force him out if he doesn't vacate willingly (he won't).

He has stopped paying the mortgage on the house and holiday let. The mortgage used to go out of her account whilst they were together (I know!). She stopped the direct debit and he somehow re-instated it. The bank reimbursed her. Regarding the holiday let - he claims it is empty - but we know he has long-term renters in there - again he must be getting cash in hand. Whilst they were together he had told her that it barely covered the mortgage. We now know these are lies and it makes a lot of money each month.

For the sake of the girls, she has been allowing him to spend a few hours with them every weekend supervised by a trusted mutual friend with the okay of their support worker. However, the last time they came home distressed because he keeps speaking to them about his separation from their mother. Her solicitor has advised contact should only be every other weekend and through the contact centre. She just wants to do right by her girls. We have heard that he has been threatening to call social services and tell them she is a bad mother. She took anti-depressants for a couple of months a few years back. Apparently, this is proof that she is a bad mother.

He cannot go near them at the moment (bail condition) but his bail will end soon. Our understanding is that she can then apply for a non-molestation order but that it will take 24 hours and will leave her / my parents unprotected for those 24 hours. We have been told this by several different professionals but surely this can't be correct?

Thank you if you managed to get this far. We feel like we're living on a knife-edge just anticipating his next move. My sister is in between jobs with no money in her account and debts that he has racked up in her name. I've never personally met anyone as toxic or as sly as him, but I think as a previous poster said he's not as clever as he thinks and it will all come down on his head in the end. Any advice much, much appreciated!!!

OP posts:
DaisyStPatience · 30/06/2022 22:05

Your sister needs to contact one of the big domestic abuse charities (I think I got in touch with NDVA) and get a referral to an IDVA. Reporting his harassment to the police may also trigger an IDVA referral, I can't remember which one it was in my case. They'll be able to write her a letter of evidence she can use to get legal aid funding for the divorce, any child arrangements, non-mol orders etc. A good IDVA is worth their weight in gold. They should be able to help her with the debt - it isn't uncommon for abusers to get their partners into debt and I believe there are ways of dealing with it.

RandomMess · 30/06/2022 22:21

If he got the credit card in her name without her knowledge he's committed fraud.

VeryWorried1 · 30/06/2022 22:26

RandomMess · 30/06/2022 22:21

If he got the credit card in her name without her knowledge he's committed fraud.

Yes. But how to prove? That's the problem with everything he does - we cant prove the cash in hand etc etc/

OP posts:
VeryWorried1 · 30/06/2022 22:28

@DaisyStPatience They will help her with the occupation order and injunction. I have passed on that she should find out if she can get help to obtain legal-aid through them.

OP posts:
Luckypoppy · 30/06/2022 22:31

Not sure about the 24 hours thing but could you rent an air bnb somewhere in the next town for a couple of days to tide the whole family over until the non molestation order is in place?

Liminalstate · 30/06/2022 22:45

I think the National Centre for Domestic Violence will help support your sister to get an injunction. More information here www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

She can contact them directly or you can refer on her behalf. There is a lot of information about the types of injunction on their website as well. I found them very helpful.

VeryWorried1 · 01/07/2022 14:14

She has now received the credit card breakdown for the card he opened without her permission. He has paid things such as the council tax bill for the house he is living in and won't even allow her to get her things from and every time he's taken the kids out he has paid for it from this card. (It’s only about £30 in total - too miserly to even pay that.) It's now being investigated by the fraud team at the bank. Does anyone know the possible outcomes? Will she still have to pay? Will the bank involve the police because of what he's done?

OP posts:
nonmolestationorder · 21/12/2022 10:20

If you're still facing the same issue and your matter is not solved. You can visit dvsolicitors.com

nonmolestationorder · 21/12/2022 10:22

To read more about non-molestation orders read here: non-molestation-order

Carrick27 · 25/12/2022 06:11

If he’s working and not paying tax report him to HMRC. Also to the CSA as he will be getting out of paying full child maintenance. Report him for fraud regarding the credit card debt.
Social services will not class being on anti depressants as ‘being a bad mother’. He’s just throwing accusations around.

Passthebaton · 25/12/2022 06:23

Unfortunately men are more protected in the UK and women/mothers face maltreatment even when they leave the abuse, and that's just from the authorities. That's why domestic abuse is still rife. The men can make ridiculous counter allegations, dodge child maintenance and like in your sister's case they can open up credit and threaten to murder with very minimal repercussion. BTW though, if ADs make someone an unfit parent then half the country would have SS involvement.

It's been six months since your post, I do hope your sister and DC are safe. Sending love and strength to her, your family and the DC. Flowers

VeryWorried1 · 15/03/2023 07:16

Just thought I’d update you all.

So far he has continued with his abuse - taking my brother to court for a non-mol accusing us all of trying to kill him (we don’t see or speak to him at all). Was eventually dismissed but not before causing much heartache. Sent all of the court documents to my brother’s workplace. They haven’t been supportive at all, although they know (seen evidence) that he is an abuser.

She had a fact finding hearing relating to the non-mol she had and was tied in to seeing the children. The judge refused to do any fact finding was very aggressive to my sister and nothing said to the ex. The barrister had told her before that the judge was very pro-men. He wanted to let him have the children overnight straight away. Although with pushing from my sister’s barrister did they agree to a few hours this weekend and next ahead of next court hearing. It was meant to be supervised and of course he choose by who but the kids told her that it wasn’t.

He signed an undertaking not to go near her

She finally got an order to get her things. Everything was gone. The neighbours told her there was a white van parked outside the night before.

Everything on his financial forms is a mess.

Does what he likes - no consequences. He knows the bounds of the law and abuses within it.

I feel broken, and angry, very, very angry with the law that allows women to be treated like this.

I wrote another thread about her car and him transferring it to his name and no legal repercussions and I was basically attacked. I don’t care what people think - the law is pathetic and weak, doesn’t protect women at all. He will continue to abuse her using the law. If you unknowingly get with an abuser and have children with him, your abuse will last at least until they grow.

OP posts:
Louisiannadaisy · 19/04/2025 10:14

How is sister now? Did she get free of him? Is everyone ok?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page