How to play it tomorrow?

[galvanizethis]

I’m starting mediation tomorrow....
I have no idea what they'll ask or how honest to be. I don't want to come across as bitter but surely they need to know the truth.
It’s been a long time coming after 6 years of being kept in limbo by my controlling ex. We have two children together who I have raised alone. He only lived with us briefly, at times but always left and created a lot of drama in the process.

He doesn’t drive and expects me to drive and pick him up etc for him to see his children. He gives me less child support than legally required for the two children and constantly changes the plans, depending on what’s happening in his social life.

When he is with the children, he’s good with them, he’s engaged and loving and they love to be with him but he shows no interest in their schooling , friendships, health etc. He will avoid us when there is a bug or when we all had covid etc. He wouldn’t help when my son was in hospital.

I’ve tried hard over the years to keep contact up for the sake of the kids but I am reaching my limit. I thought that maybe if I started mediation we might be able to come to an agreement for childcare and FaceTime calls that he sticks to, like seeing them once a fortnight and calling one night a week and some help in the holidays so I can work. If I ask for help he would normally just ignore the messages, even though they are polite.

I know he’ll be angry when he’s contacted by the mediator as I haven’t warned him and there is bound to be some backlash from him (stonewalling is his normal response to anything he doesn't find agreeable)

I have no idea what I’m getting myself into but I cannot carry on with the picking and choosing when to see them when it fits in his diary. I need to work and he refuses to help out with holidays etc.

I’m sure a lot of you feel I should have more back bone but I don’t want to fight with this pathetic man. I just want him to treat his children well and understand that he has responsibilities - and for me to carry on my life in peace.

What is it you want?
unfortunately no court order / mediator can force your ex to be a consistent dad, or take active interest.

wgat you can do is stop picking him up and stop allowing being messed around re dates etc

simply state that from x date you will make them
avaiable for the evening/day/ weekend ( whatever ) and offer a consistent access schedule.
If he doesn’t engage/college t them don’t rearrange other things to suit him

Just a consistent schedule for them. I think you're right - make the dates available and leave it up to him.

The children ask to speak to him when they're ill or have news they want to share - what do people do then?

You can let your DC call him it's up to him whether he answers.

You don't run down your ex but also you need to stop covering for his shit parenting. Also go to CMS for maintenance your DC deserve it.

Stop being his taxi service too.

Just remember that you are paying solicitors/mediators by the hour . Every minute they sit there and listen to you venting is going to be costing you money. A lot of money,
you need to decide exactly what it is you want. You need to think about what it is that you would be prepared to compromise on. And know what is absolutely unacceptable to you.
Write down your “what it is I want” and the “why” you need this. Then when you get to the meeting state it… be precise, clear, brief
whilst You may be rightly pissed off, angry and want to vent..that isn’t going to change the outcome. If your ex behaves like that it isn’t going to change his feelings on his past behaviour. The only thing he can change if forced through mediation is his future behaviour. The less emotional and more logical you are about why you want certain things the more he will find it difficult to argue with.
you can rant and rage once you’ve got the result you want.

Were/ are you married?