Left DV Relationship, Non-mol For Me&Son?

[mumanonymous]

Left my partner in November 2021, relationship has a history of dv (physical, emotional, coercive control) and I also caught him out cheating, taking drugs, excessive drinking. I shall a small son with him who is just over 1, but also i’m nearing my due date with the 2nd.
He currently sees our son once a week for about 6.5hours as I haven’t been comfortable with overnight stays due to safeguarding concerns about our son, drugs/alcohol&violence but also he has lied about where he has taken my son, put him in unsafe and avoidable situations (car with no carseat, pub that doesn’t hold a child’s licence). Since then I asked his mum to have a closer eye and to go out with them just so my son can still enjoy his time but also I know he is in a safer situation if needed.
He stopped paying child maintenance as he said I was being unfair.. And when I have said about going through CMS he has told me they wouldn’t enforce it etc.
I also received texts/whatsapp/social media and no caller id’s off him when we split with abuse, accusing me of seeing men, talking to his friends, said he will be paying watchers &how he’ll find out anything because he knows people etc.
He has also lied twice now about taking me to court over access to our son, the first time he tried to get my address by saying his solicitor needed it to which I said I would be happy to give it to his solicitor direct because of the history of dv& fraud. I never heard anything again.
The second time he said I’d receive a call/email as he had set up a mediator but again never heard a thing.
He has since said he is going through the courts again, but again i’ve not heard anything.
I got the courage to report to Refuge, and they have encouraged a non-mol order for myself and if i have safeguarding concerns my son too, but also a PSO as he previously threatened to take my son off me when he was born.
Does anyone have any advice or have gone through the same and gotten the non-mol for them-self and child, I’m worried about how I’d have the funds for this as i’m not in work at the moment.

Hey, I went through the courts to get a non mol against my ex. I have a solicitor who is dealing with our divorce that filled out the paperwork for me but 90% of what was submitted was a word document I had written that detailed all of the incidents and behaviour and most importantly how it made me feel. I had a barrister on the day in court who said my solicitor had written an excellent statement....when in fact I had written it, he just filled the forms in to go with it. In all with the solicitor and barrister it cost me £3000.

I was too frightened to fight it myself but looking back now I absolutely could have done. The court day was mostly just a process thing and there was no evidence.

Most importantly the peace of mind I have now is priceless and I am so glad I got it in place to protect myself and the children. Maybe contact your local domestic violence charity as they may be able to offer you support. Good luck xx

Thank you for replying, your response has been so helpful and encouraging!

Just a quick question, did you manage to get the non-mol for just yourself or children too?

It included a clause to say no threatening behaviour to the children yes (I can’t remember the exact wording). I didn’t actually ask for that but the judge included it after reading my statement.

it takes a lot to stand up and be strong but you can do it x

With regard to funding advice & representation, legal aid is available for a non-mol, depending on your income. If you receive UC or IS etc you are likely to get legal aid. Contact a solicitor for advice.

Hi just wanted to say the non-mol I've got covers DC as well, the day it was issued was the first night I slept properly in a very long time.
My advice to you would be to contact your local women's aid who will be able to set you up with a free advice session with a solicitor. They can then help you with Legal Aid application etc.

Thank you so much. How did you get it to cover your child aswell or is that what the court ordered?

Went back to an abusive ex (whom I share two kids with), but have ended things again due to him not changing like he fooled me to believe. I was back for maybe a few weeks and I could already see signs of the past him so was trying to break things off without angering him, whenever I did he threatened me with court etc. Yesterday, he went out drinking all day and then showed up at my flat drunk and had poo’d himself (despite me ignoring his calls, telling him that I didn’t want him to come and I would not let him in, I even ignored him buzzing to get into my block, but he managed to get in through a door that wasn’t shut round the back - I didn’t want that around my kids, sorry if that makes me a horrible person), thankfully I have a ring doorbell so it has caught it all on there, he was shouting,swearing,saying I’ll see you in court etc, in the end I posted wet wipes and some shorts through my letterbox to get him away. I have had abuse of him this morning to because I dropped the kids off at his mums (where they usually go), but because I wouldn’t take him he kicked off and said he didn’t want them there, he hopes I die, i’m scum, threatening my family etc. My worry is now because I was a fool to believe he had changed and went back that the courts will look at me negatively. My worry is my kids, seeing him drunk and in that state, and trying to come around the kids and not taking no for an answer, makes me worry about their safety with him all over again. He only hasn’t parental responsibility for our eldest (17months old), but I don’t doubt he might try get PR for our daughter via the courts (she is 2months old).

Any help or advice, do I have a leg to stand on if we go to court regarding child arrangements?

Keep him away from your kids. Keep all of the evidence you have - recordings from the Ring doorbell, any texts/emails etc. Judges know that people sometimes reconcile, it's not always easy to make the break. You have to protect yourself & especially your children & stay away from him. Get some legal advice about your options, if you are on a low income you might be able to get legal aid. Contact Women's Aid or a local dv support service. If he turns up drunk, or if he's abusive, threatening etc, ring the police.

he blames a lot of his anger and lashing out on his adhd and turns it on me that it isn’t his fault he has adhd etc. he has turned quite horrible again but it seems to be me the bad person for ending it again and how I ‘used him’, basically anything I say or try to say he goes crazy out. sending threatening messages about how he is going to tell all my family, how I am never allowed another partner. I just don’t know what to do, he wants to see our eldest and if I say no he kicks off and I just don’t know what he’ll do, he is threatening court and i’m wondering if that might be best. he isn’t on my youngest’s birth certificate but wants to see her. I feel so stupid for believing he could of changed and now I have all this again.
the things he says about he can’t control his anger because of adhd worries me about my son with him and I think thats natural or am I being overprotective

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Secondly get in touch with Womens aid and the police now.

I’ve been where you are, wondering where the ‘line’ was. I’m telling you now if you need it spelling out that showing up at your door shouting threats and shitting himself is the line, that’s it.

You’re not stupid, far from it, but you and your children deserve peace now. Court isn’t actually that scary and there’s lots of advice both here and online and through the police.

You’ve got this.

he keeps threatening to tell people and my family that we got together again, yesterday I received lots of crazy messages and calls that woke me up, asking ‘if I was being chased by men with weapons could I come to yours’ and because I didn’t reply as I was asleep he said he had no choice but to come to my flat now &how it was a safeguarding issue. when I woke up &saw this I kept saying no and trying to calm him down anyway I could, ended up blocking his number and then he called me 5x on unknown and starting inboxing me on facebook. he has messaged again this morning saying he will be coming and get my son on thursday at 9am to the park, and has admitted that he sends all the messages and calls me ‘to get through to me’, so idk whether to take that as he lies and says horrible stuff such as telling my family, hurting them, posting stuff online to intimidate me into giving him contact.
I don’t want him to take my son but am I causing my son to miss out? is there anything I can do - I don’t think courts would stop contact.. but what can I do about the threats he says about telling people about ‘us’ and hurting my family etc
somehow this is all my fault but I put a stop to us because it was becoming like before and that makes me a fake person and a user he says, rather than acknowledging why

How is your son “missing out” by spending a man who apparently may be chased by people with weapons and/or shit his pants at any given moment?

You need real life support. Call womens aid and the police.

OP I’m checking in on you because you keep popping into my head and I need to know you’re ok.

all okay thank you for thinking of me! you’ve helped so much

Keep me posted please? I know you can do this but I understand how hard it is.

stay safe and PM me if you need to.

Remember you deserve peace.

Would I still be allowed help from the likes of womensaid/solace etc because i’m worried they will shake their head because I did give him the chance to see if we could work and see how it would go (which didn’t even last two weeks), I have had continued agg from him and he now hasn’t paid maintenance because he is waiting to hear from his solicitor as he has said to hold things until he advises him on getting a written child arrangements order with me in writing and signed for us both. Any advice

They will not judge you or shake their head at you, nor will the police. They will believe you and they will help you. I’m glad you’re staying in touch.