Hello, I divorced after 30 years last year. I put it off for years as the thought always seemed too big..I was worn out, a bit depressed, single-handedly responsible for all aspects of our lives including earning money. It was just overwhelming. I had no time to “visualise” what my future would actually look like. And I was scared of the impact of how it was possible financially. I was just scared generally. I then gave myself a good talking to along the lines that fear is the emotion form the unknown, I needed to make the unknown - known.
only once I got myself armed with facts about what divorce would mean, how to do it and what the outcome would be , could I really start to visualise a divorced life. I needed to be able to visualise where I would live, what sort of house, what I’d be able to afford to do with the circumstances I would be in etc.
only once I got my own head in a place, and some knowledge did I even get close to be able to think that it could become a reality.
at that point I talked to a single close friend. I said clearly to them that I hadn’t made my mind up and they weren’t to tell anyone else ever, it I talked through my options and reality. That really really helped. Telling someone. Talking to someone made it much more real and letting out the burden of it inside my head to bringing it out into the open.
I then decided it was what I needed to do.
I then spent a lot of time going through in detail the process, so I knew what I needed solicitor for and what I didn’t. I also made the decision I would avoid getting into blame game until after we agreed a financial settlement so it would be quicker, cheaper and less stressful. I knew solicitors would ramp up fees quickly and couldn’t afford that really. I did a lot of research myself to be confident about what I could do myself and what I really had to have a solicitor for. I didn’t , as many people here n MN will advise you,leg it off to a solicitor to ask them what to do- they will charge you for it and a lot of stuff you can find out for yourself and do for yourself. Yes some solicitors will give you a “free” 30 mins but they’ll only really explain the basic process that you can find out for yourself, and how their fees work.
I then had to accept the reality that I would loose “my” assets as part of divorce. That was hard as we didn’t have loads, but ex hadn’t worked for last 13 years by his own decison and I would pay the cost of that again. It was painful but better for me to process that myself first rather than go straight in and argue it painfully with ex and start the process in a place of animosity. I figured out what the courts would consider a “fair settlement” - agian this isn’t the automatic 50:50 MNetters will often say. There is around 10 criteria the courts use. After 25 years of marriage your assets will be considered joint no matter who contributed. Use the information on line to decide what your fair settlement is realistically and make decision over what you will ask for and what you would be prepared to accept to avoid going through an expensive litigation process.
our children had grown up. But I guess you’ll need to do the same for your children arrangements. Also my ex and I had for years shared financial planning and budgeting so we both knew what assets we had. Financial disclosure was easy and nothing to hide or argue about. So to understand what assets I had a claim to up front was easy for me. You may find it more difficult if you’ve not shared finances. So I’d advise getting copies of as much financial information as you can ahead of time if that’s the case
only Then did I have the conversation with ex. We completed divorce in less than 4 months after that. (It’s a minimum of 26 weeks though now) . It was amicable but I continued to work hard to keep it that way and make compromises to achieve the things that were my “must haves”.
To inform yourself I would recommend the ADVICE NOW guides on divorce and financial settlement. They are available on line and cost about £20 to download each guide. I read them and got my head around both the divorce process and the seperate financial settle process . They are excellant and even point you to bits you need solicitor for, you don’t need solicitor and you may want solicitor, and a list of solicitors that will agree to do just the bits you want. Advice Now is a charity to make law more accessible.
also go through the government divorce site. Agian it is very good, designed for you to petition on line without need for solicitor. All forms you need are there and you can download and start to gather the information they need which will also help with things like understanding the financial assets that need to be included.
as I said, the single biggest thing for me was moving form the “ I don’t want to be in this marriage any more” to a place of “ this is what my life will be like after I divorce” and knowing the steps to get form one to the other. That eliminated the fear of the unknown and allowed me to move forwards.