Why Do I Regret Starting Proceedings - please read.

[Mummykins54]

I have been married 25 years together for 27 and the divorce is nearly finalised.

During the latter part of my marriage I got into some debt that he was unaware of and he made me give up the job I loved to get a full time one, took my bank card, made me list everything that I was spending and the guilt spiralled me into a depression where I felt suicidal at times.

I managed to get a loan to pay the debt off - I know that it was a big break of trust but my friends were horrified when they realised how they had treated me. I lost 4 stone in weight and withdrew from the world.

I know what I did was wrong - my friends say their husbands would have been mad too but not had that reaction.

After this we went to counselling which didn't really help.

During our marriage he has been continually moody, I was walking on eggshells because I never knew when he was going into a mood then I would end up begging to talk to him and apologising for things I had not done.

Latterly he started calling me names like basket case, vile been called a bad wife and mother (not true).

We agreed to separate but I started the ball rolling. I honestly believe that if I hadn't started proceedings we would have been back on the hamster wheel of being ok and them arguing again.

He did not speak to me for months before he moved out - totally stonewalled.

So why know do I feel I made a mistake and want him back? I have a counsellor who calls it trauma bonding but I just feel so lonely.

Can anyone explain why I feel this way?

TIA

Sounds to me as if your counsellor may be right.

I'd say he has destroyed your self esteem and your confidence, and now you're not sure you deserve any better than his hideous abusive manipulation. Yiu're not sure you'll manage without him?

He must have thought all his Christmases had come at once when he found out about the debt. What a glorious excuse to belittle, control and bully you.

He is a vile, vile hateful man and your life will be so much better without him. Well done for getting so far.

@MrsBertBibby thanks so much for your reply. Yes he did use it to belittle me in the worst way - I actually felt suicidal but he thinks he helped me to get my credit score to a place where I could get a loan to repay the debt.

I really don't understand why I feel this way as I know I should be glad to see the back of him?

There is always fear of the unknown the trick is accept it own it I found myself asking questions after I filed for divorce

What if he is as good as I can get?
What if everyone is the same?
What if its me?

I tried getting in a relationship he really wasn't much better so I got cats and focused on me and the kids

Fuck it all! I will die single and be eaten by my cats surrounded by pictures on my walls and zero regrets 🤣

You made a mistake OP, that’s all..no one deserves to be treated like that for making a mistake. My husband got into dreadful debt and didn’t tell me, I wasn’t pleased but I didn’t behave like that. You deserve better, and I know it’s hard leaving someone who has abused you because part of you still loves them and tries to understand or even justify what they did.

If you falter now then he’ll think he has carte blanche to behave like that again, he doesn’t deserve you 💜

@chaiformeplease thank you. Yes his reaction was way off the scale and I suffered a really bad depression because of it. Watching that he didn't think for once that his reaction was outrageous. None of my friend's husbands would have dealt with the situation in that manner. Like you they would have been upset but would have tried to help constructively.

I need to give my self a good kick up the backside 🙄

I understand this sort of lonely, it’s when you know you have to keep walking but something keeps pulling you back.

I don’t think you do need to kick yourself up the backside but if you’re going to, do it just to keep you going in the right direction…away from him.

I keep imagining the day the absolute comes through - I imagine it’ll be scary and sad and wonderful all at once, because we’ll be free from something we never expected to want to get away from.

keep going lovely, we’ll get there 🙃

I had to walk away from a similar length marriage 2 years ago. I didn’t get into debt per se, but he gave me so little wrt my allowance, that any savings I had, I used to prop up extra spending at times like Christmas.
Thats almost beside the point, as if you ever…ever went back to him, you would regret it instantly…and he would make you pay - in more ways than one.

My best advice would be to accept and acknowledge that you’re grieving, and do as much research as possible on Trauma Bonding. Knowledge is power.

One foot in front of the other… 💐

Thanks ladies for your replies - this is a hard month as it would have been our 25th anniversary.

I will never forgive him for how he treated me but my friends say I need acceptance before I can move on and I find this very hard to do right now. Does that make sense?

As humans we often evoke responses that are disproportionate to the situation. It’s the old sabre tooth tiger response. We feel that level of fear and anxiety to situations that are not threatening. Conversely we are able to normalise very threatening situations because we become used to them.

Life post divorce is unknown and that makes it seem like a world full of sabre tooth tigers. It really isn’t.

Going back to a bad marriage feels familiar and safe. When it really isn’t. As an adult you are entitled to having agency over your life and choices. Nobody should ever take that away from you and no decent human being would want to.

Hi all. It’s Sunday morning and I’m literally sat in bed crying because I don’t think I can handle another day or week of this hellish marriage.
We’ve been married 13yrs, together for 24yrs… have 4 kids and are both 41yrs old.
I haven’t worked for 12yrs, I don’t claim any benefits because my husband earns over £50k. Don’t have any savings other than a few hundred pounds. No debt other than mortgage.
His income is enough to sustain our married life…

I want to split up. We need to. All we do is argue and it’s toxic. I don’t even like being around him anymore. And he feels the same.

How do we even do that? We don’t have the money for him to move out and rent somewhere whilst still trying to pay all existing bills. Moving out and in with family members isn’t an option for either of us.
I know long term I will get a job etc etc but I’m talking now! Like if he finds something to rent with immediate availability and goes next week? Next month? Will I be entitled to any benefits? How soon? The only thing I know is that my council tax will reduce when I tell them he’s moved out 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Ill be really grateful for any advice anyone can give me. Xx

@JLW99 You've posted on a thread that's a few months old - you might be better starting a new one to get the advice you need

Thank you. I didn’t realise 🙈