Kids Meeting My New Partner

[bfc1980]

First time posting here but I need your advice. So here goes...

My wife and I have been separated for 21 months and we have 2 children together. We have joint custody (mutually agreed) amounting to 3 to 4 days in her favour and roughly 50/50 during the school holidays. But we're generally flexible about this.

We're both teachers at the same school in Asia but it is a big enough campus that we rarely see each other and at work we're work colleagues and keep it professional.
I pay child support of 450 pounds per month (long story but as we work abroad, I was threatened with, "If you don't pay x amount per month (originally 900 pounds per month), I'll take the kids back to my country (in Eastern Europe) and you'll never see them again." So we eventually settled on 450 pounds per month.

So, in March 2011 (14mths ago), I met someone and we are still together. I told my children about her after 4 months but they haven't yet met her. My daughter (7) has started to become more and curious as I talk about her and her life with them.

Yesterday, I told my wife/ex that I feel this relationship is secure enough for the kids to meet her now as they're getting curious about her. Her response was that she wants to meet my new partner first as she has a right to know who the kids are meeting and that our son (10) had told her the day before that he doesn't want to meet her. Even though he has no idea of my intentions and I hadn't spoken to him about it. My girlfriend is ok with meeting their mum but is concerned about her trying to control her and looking down at her. GF understands that she isn't their mum and has no responsibility for them. Things like that are my job.

Ex wife also said that she doesn't understand why I would want my gf to meet the kids. She said that she has no intention of ever introducing her bf (though I don't know if she has met anyone) to the kids or even to tell them about him as she has 2 lives. 1 life with the kids for 4 days and 1 for herself the other 3 days and the 2 lives should never meet. Incidentally, if she goes away for a mini break, or holiday, she tells me to not tell the children that she has gone away as she doesn't want them know about it.
She said maybe she would tell them about her partner when the kids are adults. I feel this is really, really weird. This can't be normal right for the kids to never meet their parent's new partner. Even if it's a committed, long term relationship. I feel that this is a tactic to maintain the status of: Dad left mum, dad moved out, dad got a new partner, dad made us meet her. Whilst she, in the kids' eyes is all on her own when they're with me.

So your advice, should my ex meet my gf first? Would you request that if you were in that situation?

What do I do if my son is saying that he doesn't want to meet my gf? I know I felt the same way about my mum's new partner when I was a teenager and if given a choice I too would have said no. But actually, I really like and respect him as my step dad (though I don't call him dad) and he's an amazing grandad.

Sorry this is so long.

Sorry. Met my gf in 2021 not 2011.

Your ex sounds like a piece of work. You have equal custody and she threatened to take her kids to another country if you didn’t pay her?

Yeah I’m not surprised someone like that would be unreasonable. Out of interest who ended the marriage?

It’s not up to your ex
tell her it’s your choice - end up
shes very controlling !

she needs to start putting the kids first and not threatening to take them away from dad whenever things dont go her way

take control now or you’ll be dancing to her tune a long time

My ex did the same. He had absolutely no rights to ask/demand that - agree it’s all about control. We went along with it, at the time I felt it was respectful to him but actually I think I was just scared of him..
needless to say he didn’t like him 😉

I ended it. For a couple of main reasons.
During the long summer holidays we always fly back to Europe and spend time in her country and England. In summer 2019 we also went to Greece for my brother's wedding. Because of that, she didn't want to go to England as well as it would be spending more money and would be time away from her family
.
On the advice of our marriage counsellor, I told her I wanted to go to England and that I'd like the kids to come with me for a week. She blew up with, "F you, F you, f you. You're not taking MY kids to England. If you try to take them, I'll divorce you and will make sure you have huge problems. F you, f you, f you. When we're divorced, then you can take them because the courts won't give me a choice. But until then, you're not taking them. F you, f you etc" I told her that that it's my right to be able to take the kids to visit my family and that the counsellor advised me of this. So she sacked our counsellor and we didn't resume any sessions.

I didn't want to break up as I love my kids and really didn't know what she would do about it. If she would take them away or what problems she'd cause for me. So I stuck with it hoping things would change.

Then right at the start of Covid, I fell (1 leg) through a sewer drain cover whilst out for a run and ended up with a big gash down to the bone on my shin. Had 8 stitches and told to stay in bed with my leg raised. But to come back each day for dressing to be changed. After a few days, it was infected from my toes to my thigh and and had necrosis and gangrene around the site. I really thought I would lose my leg. The day before I was admitted, my ex had taken the kids to the beach and before she left she told me to sweep and mop the floor, and wash the dishes. Which I did despite excruciating pain and also prepared dinner. When she came back, she was shouting at the kids cos they'd been arguing and I told her to not to worry and to stay calm. She responded with "don't tell me to calm down. What have you done today? You've done nothing today". When I told her my fears about the spreading infection and that I was worried I would lose the leg, her reply was to just admit myself to hospital and stay there. I was in hospital for 8 days whilst they cut chunks out of my leg to remove the dead flesh and she wouldn't come to visit (I was allowed visitors as it was the start of Covid times) because it was too far of a drive (1 hour). It was this that told me she just doesn't care about me anymore so a few months later I said I was leaving and that was that.

Equal custody is only mutually agreed. Not enforced by court. The threat of more money was that I had to pay her to maintain HER lifestyle. Even though we both work in very well paying jobs. That if she couldn't go on holidays and weekends away every few weeks, then there's no point in being here away from her family. So I would have to pay for that.

During summer 2019 after the f you, f you episode, I went to see a lawyer in her country (we were married there but never registered it in England) to find out what my rights were. He said that based on my salary compared to hers and 3 days to 4 with the kids, the courts would only make me pay in the region of 250 pounds. She eventually said 400 after I told her about the lawyer had said. She didn't know I had been to see one so was shocked when I told her of this.

FYI I'm not perfect. Far from it. I had activities (golf and football 1 night a week and marathon training) but always tried to make sure it was done outside of family time. Early morning runs and late night football (10pm until midnight). Golf was the only activity once a week that took me away from the kids or if I was competing in a weekend race outside of our city. She also had activities of her own though. Taekwondo training 2 times a week which she chose to give up and learning the local language.

Many years ago, I tried to leave her. Similar reasons to what I've said before. It got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore and told her I wanted to split up. It was stupid of me. We had a 6 year old and a 1 year old and I was wanting to leave her. Once I'd cooled off and reflected about what I was doing, I changed my mind. She never forgave me for this and since then, it just got gradually worse as it was always in her head about what I'd done. Nothing I did from then on was enough for her and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't win her back.

Regardless of whether I would ask the same as your ex in her position, I am the GF in this scenario and in HER position I would not agree to meet your ex. It sounds like she is willing to do so, but in all honesty your ex sounds like an absolute nightmare and like you will be setting not only yourself but your GF up for a lifetime of jumping through her hoops. I feel sorry for you both.

Not really sure what the solution is, you'll either have to accept this or call her bluff, stand up for yourself and risk her moving back to Europe. She may obviously be making this up to scare you. I can see why you would be scared to do that but I think the alternative is going to require a lot of sacrifice from any partner you have.

My GF has been really great about it but to be honest she isn't keen on the idea and I respect that. GF said that she won't be given orders and told what to do or not to do by her. I can tell her how to act with the kids, but my ex can't. I understand that.

To be honest, I just don't see what can be gained from any such meeting. I mean it's not like she will turn round to me and say, wow!!! She's really nice and you're a lucky guy.
But if it keeps the peace, maybe we should just do it but let my ex know beforehand what is acceptable and not. No talking about our marriage or my new relationship, no demands placed upon my girlfriend and no scenario questions like a job interview for a nanny. What would you do if one of the kids was misbehaving? Would you ever hit the children? etc, etc.

I am the GF in this situation. I have been with my OH 8 years and have no desire to meet the EW.

Like your EW, the women is an absolute control freak who thinks she is in charge, the better parent and can do as she wants and dictate.

I won’t ever put myself in a situation where I have to be ‘approved’ by the woman.

she has absolutely no right to meet your new partner and absolutely no to know who the kids are meeting. The only people who have rights are the children.

I would nip this in the bud now or she will be trying to control you and using the children as weapons to control you for years to come.

There’s a reason why she is an EX……

Unpopular opinion but... I can understand why she'd want to meet your new partner. If she is going to be a big part of your and your children's lives sure it's natural to at least meet the person that will possibly be involved in co-parenting her child. She's their mum at the end of the day and she (should be) putting the welfare and feelings of her children before anyone else.

That being said she sounds like a vindictive person who has used your children as a weapon/bargaining tool to levy more child support from you. That doesn't exactly scream "mother of the year" so she may not be acting as the overprotective mother.

Unpopular opinion but... I can understand why she'd want to meet your new partner. If she is going to be a big part of your and your children's lives sure it's natural to at least meet the person that will possibly be involved in co-parenting her child. She's their mum at the end of the day and she (should be) putting the welfare and feelings of her children before anyone else.

I'm sure everyone can understand why she would want to, but that doesn't mean she should get to.

It sounds like you know her well. Especially the better parent part. She's a very good Early years teacher and is well-read so she uses those skills well when parenting. But she would frequently bring down my parenting. To the point that I was saying things like, "I know I'm not the best dad, but I am a good dad."

My friend pointed out to me that even my own language is reinforcing the things she says.
Classic moment that I can now laugh at is that during counselling, she would say things like, I'm not a present father, I don't interact, I sit back and let her lead etc etc etc. Counsellor asked if it's possible for me to interact more etc etc. I said yes. Which is true, I could have done more. Not much more but still more. Anyway, whilst playing with my daughter, she wanted me to paint her nails like rainbows. She showed them to my ex who responded straight away with, you shouldn't be painting her nails, she should do that herself as it promotes independence.

I recounted the situation to the counsellor that I'm trying hard but I always get it wrong in EX's eyes. Counsellor was shocked that this happened and asked why she would say that. Reply was, "because it's true. All the research I've read is that 5 year old children should things like this themselves." Counsellor didn't agree.

After the session ex said to me whilst walking home, I don't think the counsellor has her own children, because if she did, she'd have agreed with me.