Domestic violence and when to tell my child

[Mummy95]

Over a year ago I left a domestic violent relationship when my child was one. The father was abusive towards me and our child hence why I left. My child is nearly 3 now and I know soon she will start to ask why me and her father are not together. Obviously I don’t want to tell her this young everything that has happened. But I’m not sure what I should say to her? Maybe something like ‘daddy was a bit naughty so he had to leave but now he is learning to be a good boy’? I have no idea what to say, I still worry about her safety when she is with him and I don’t want him to abuse her when I’m not there.

I know that I will eventually tell my child the truth when she is older in her older teen years because I do not want to lie to her and also I do want to protect her and I want her to be aware of signs of abuse encase he tries to abuse her again when I am not there.

just wondering if anyone else has been through domestic violence who have children, what did you tell them when they where growing up and when did you finally tell them the truth? Or are you taking it to your grave?

my biological grandad was abusive and violent to my mother and my nan when my mother was younger, my mother decided to tell me when I was about 14 and I understood and sympathised with her. I don’t think it made me bitter or have hatred it just made me admire my nan for being so strong and it made me so much closer to my nan.

I divorced in my 50s and dc are adults. I have never explicitly told them ANYTHING about the real and detailed reasons why we divorced which did involve his unreasonable behaviour l They don’t know that even. It did involve historic abuse. I do not intend to ever tell them. It is not something they can do anything about or fix.
Children whether young or old do not need to know the exact reasons why parents split, left, don’t stay in touch. You simply state that you both no longer felt you could be together and are better living apart than together. If pushed you simply state that those reasons are between you and ex and not something that will in anyway benefit your child from knowing. Or anyone else. It is why reasons for divorce are not published and are only a matter for both parties and the court.
The ONLY time the reasons for divorce or behaviour should be discussed is if they either directly witnessed something they need an explanation on (ie they saw the abuse) or that their safety is at risk ( and then you tell the the absolutely minimum needed to protect them). And I guess if the abuser was in prison and they were asking about that.

children will always have a complex set of feelings towards estranged parents no matter how terrible a person they are. Placing a burden on them of knowing that the absent parent was abusive is a massive thing to process and absorb. Young people particularly could really struggle in processing that and cause them their own mental health issues. Remember that their relationship with their parent is NOT your relationship with your ex partner …they are entirely different and separate things,