Starting the conversation by text

[19Bears]

I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth face to face. Is it reasonable to send a text along the lines of, "when you get back we need to sort something out, we cannot continue to live like this" Quick background - unhappy for years, we lead pretty much separate lives, I feel like a single mother and take care of everything while he comes and goes as he pleases to gigs or the cinema or whatever, several times a week sometimes. I told him nearly three years ago how unhappy I am, but here we are rumbling along, I suppose 'for the kids.'

Communication has completely broken down, we don't talk, and everything is by email if there's anything to say. Usually him saying "I'm in Glasgow/Leeds, back tomorrow"

I booked a short break away for myself the the other week (first in three years) and told him well in advance that I'd be away Friday to Monday, no need to worry about school runs as the kids were off, and I made sure everything was done in the house before I went. Last night, he just walked out the house about 10pm, not a word. Unbeknown to him, I spotted a National Express ticket just before he went, and gather he's going to see his friend, coming back Sunday. But he never said a word about it, just went. Is that normal as a response to me going away??? Anyway, I genuinely don't want to ruin his weekend by sending this text, but would it be unreasonable to do so, to get the ball rolling and finally bring things to a head? I've had the online divorce form filled in and saved since 6th April. Is this the kick I need to actually send it?

Why are you so worried about spoiling his weekend when he doesn't give a shit about ruining yours by just walking out of the house!

Send the text. Be strong, stand your ground, life is just about to get much better for you.

Your suggested message is perfectly reasonable. Don’t worry about ruining his weekend, all you are doing is giving him the heads up that you need to talk. You are basically living separate lives as it is - I have been where you are and my only regret is I didn’t get out of it sooner. send the message, have the difficult conversation and file the divorce form. You can do this!

Have in your mind what you want the end result to be. But you don’t have to have the talk, you could just file and then tell him you’ve done it. You can file yourself on line but you’d have to pay.
I said some along the lines of - the marriage is over, we are just two people living in a house together. I don’t want to do the blame game, I just want it to be over, with us being on as friendly terms as possible, at the end of the day it’s the kids that matter.

Has he told the kids where he has gone, or has he just walked out on all of you ?

I didn't bloody do it, and he's back. It's like a massive mental block for me and I don't know how to get past it. @KangarooKenny I asked my ds14 if he knew where dad had gone, and he said that he'd told him he was going to Leeds for a few days and would be back on Sunday. Not sure if he said anything to ds10, but certainly nothing to me. He breezed back in this afternoon asking the boys if they'd had a nice weekend. We ignored each other. Thank you and @Hotmess1 for your advice. We are absolutely just two people living in the same house, that's it. Dreading going to bed tonight (there's nowhere else to go, small house, and I just cannot sleep when he's there) after a blissful three nights of peaceful sleep. Anyway, I can go on and on about this to internet strangers/friends as much as I like, it's not going to change until I make it change.

Hello @19Bears I am so sorry to hear that you are still struggling and have not had "the talk" with your husband. I know that you would like everything to be as civil and amicable as it possibly can be and that is why you think you should have a proper conversation. But you need to know that even if you manage to work up a courage to sit down and talk to your husband his reaction may not be what you want it to be, and a result may not be as you expect it to be. So, I say, do it in a way that is the easiest for you. If you want to send a text, do it. You can even send an email telling him all you want to tell him. Bottom line is the same, you want to end your relationship and he will feel the same about it no matter how you say it. It will be painful, I am sure, it will be hard, but no matter what happens it will be a step forward for you and a step that you have to make.
Good luck to you and keep posting.

Bite the bullet and tell him tonight you want a divorce. Just get the words out and take it from there

Or print the form out and leave it on his side of the bed!

There's nothing to talk about though. Just start the divorce process. Trying to "talk" when it is clearly far beyond any conversation is another delaying tactic.

Once you take that step it'll become less scary/daunting - anticipation is worse than reality. You're actually putting yourself through more stress by staying in this anticipatory state.

Plan what you're going to do immediately afterwards to distract yourself / take care of yourself. That will make it easier to take the leap, as having your next step planned reminds you that the scary part is one single moment not something that's going to last forever (which is how it seems to be feeling for you when you look at it).

And you can tell yourself "right I need to get on with this because then I can do [whatever nice/distracting thing you've planned]" .

Make sure you've got all the financial details you need, copies of bank statements, pension, savings etc, make sure he can't empty out the joint account out of spite, then email him next time he's away.
He is clearly doing this to upset you, and he sounds the sort who will make things difficult for you.
If he doesn't even tell you when he's going to be away, the relationship has obviously broken down, and so you wanting a divorce won't be a surprise. It doesn't really matter if it spoils his weekend, he does not care if your weekends are ruined, does he? He doesn't care about you at all, so don't worry about him.
Just email that you consider the marriage to be at end, that you will be filing divorce papers shortly, and as such it might be best if he found somewhere else to stay while the details are finalised.
Do you think h might refuse to leave?

I can’t see any point in texting “we need to talk” if you can’t talk to him about it. He’ll just ignore it and you’ve achieved nothing. Just get on with applying for the divorce if you’re not going to talk to him about it. He’s not going to do this for you.

Ffs. He's just sent an email to say we are invited to his sister's 60th birthday party in July. He's talking about which hotel we should book for the journey down there for us and the kids etc.... I feel sick. I love her to bits, in fact I love all the family, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. Feel as if I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole :(

Thank you @movingon2022 I hope things are ok with you x

perfect opportunity to email him back and start the process. Maybe reply saying something like …
I’m sorry but because of how bad things are between us I won’t be going to the party. You are welcome to take the kids to it but I think we need to talk about the future as I’m not happy

If you can afford the fees I’d just file the application. You’ll feel so much better. You don’t need to discuss the party, fob him off if you need to. Book to see a lawyer, submit the paperwork, gather all your financials.

I really feel for you and I was in a completely different situation with me ex but once I’d got the form in I knew I was on the path to freedom.

Get angry, you should be, it will motivate you to start making changes. Think about the practicalities, get it all worked out in your head. Start the process. It really doesn't matter how you tell him, a text is fine, its only the start of the process anyway, trust me there will be plenty of conversations to come. Don't get sucked in by half arsed promises to change either.

I felt same as you. I simply couldn’t bring myself to kick it off with a conversation. In the end I. wrote an old fashioned hard copy letter. I basically said that I felt it was time to end our marriage and a brief non accusing reason. I tried to say some nice stuff too and that it was a sad decision (it was). I said when he was ready to talk about the “what happens now” to let me know and we’d sit down together.
I left the letter on kitchen counter for him to find when he went down in morning.
i stayed out of his way, until a few hours later he texted me and said I’m ready to talk when are you free?
we took it from there…and stayed amicable throughout.

I know the email was yesterday and the moment may have passed, but use it as the opportunity to start the conversation. I did that with my H when he texted about something vaguely similar. We're now seeing a therapist (it's not going great and I think we'll still split, but I am at least making progress to a resolution). Good luck x

That sounds all very calm and reassuring, @EmilyBolton I would love to imagine that's how I would do it, and that everything would stay amicable. I just think dh is oblivious to the fact anything is wrong and will claim to be shocked and betrayed and confused....I just can't deal with his face. He is the hardest person to talk to in the world, which is why I avoid it so much. He's away tomorrow again, so that's a relief. But it's also a chance to write the letter and I feel like I'm stuck under a huge weight....

Just start the divorce, you don’t need to discuss it with him or get his agreement, he clearly isn’t interested in talking to you. Once he receives the papers a conversation can happen and you can both tell the kids.

Make up all the obstacles you like, but it’s not fair of you both to inflict this toxic, unpleasant environment on your kids.

@Haditnow you might want to copy and paste your post into a new thread 🙂

OP this environment is very bad for your children. Get prepared and get the thing filed, for their sakes.