Am I the only one with less friends after divorce?

[BearFacedCheekGrylls]

Actually it’s not the friends I am lacking, it’s the invitations. I think some of this is down to Covid, as I was out all the time before this, as a distraction due to being unhappy in my marriage.

Friends talk a lot about we must get together and do xyz but nothing materialises from their end. I arrange stuff but seem to have a 50% hit rate. I seem to get cancelled on a fair bit at short notice. Which can be hard if I’m without the kids and have no back up plan.

I recently found out two friends are doing an activity together on my day off, one of them mentioned it to me and I said I was interested, yet they have gone ahead without me. I’m worried I’m becoming boring, or they are worried divorce is infectious? I’m quite independent so do try not to lean on people too much but the last year has been tough st times.

I think I know the solution, I just have to keep plugging away and keep busy but I just wondered if anyone else has the same experience as me?

I'm not divorced so can't speak from personal experience however divorce d frinds/family have. I think there are a few reasons for this:
a) where couples had mutual friends, those friends might feel they have to pick a side especially if it was acrimonious

B) some female friends get territorial about their male partners if there's a newly single female in the group so they'll keep their distance

C) some married men think newly single are fair game to target for a no strings affair /shag. My cousin had a lot of her friend's husbands after her when she got divorced. She ended up applying for a job on the other side of the country to put distance between them.

D) some friends might feel you don't have anything in common with them because you're not married anymore. Mad idea but true...

E) best thing to do is to join hobby/sports groups for single people so you can widen your social circle with new people

F) never chase people, if they don't get back to you then move on but don't beg someone to include you in their social plans. You're worth much more than them.

When I split from exh (divorce was only submitted in April for no fault but we split end of Nov) I literally told all my friends, close and distant that I was lonely and to please invite me out and come over to mine for coffee. My friendships have grew stronger. I went to meet ups, I actively found things and booked things with friends. Make the effort OP and it will come back. Friendships that had drifted when married are now back and strong. Put yourself out there even if it feels awkward. When people would ask me if I was ok I told them no. I said no I'm actually sad and lonely. I'm now happy and sociable. It's taken quite a few months but I have loads of fun things planned with friends and often have last minute catch ups. I have 4/5 single friends and I speak to 2 of them every day and the rest a few times a week.

Oh and I didn't take it personally if I saw other friends out without me. It's not personal it's life. They're your friends, don't think badly of them, if it's a post on fb like it and comment underneath that they look like they're having a fab time etc.

But make it clear in other ways that you're lonely and need cheering up.

I am also newly separated and while I did not have many friends to begin with and did not yet tell everyone what has happened, I am also a bit disappointed because I feel that people who know are avoiding me or at least they are not trying to reach out. I was hoping some of them would call and ask how I was doing, if I needed any help/support, anything at all, but nothing. I guess this is the time to make an inventory and see who is worth keeping and who is not.

One of my friends (old colleague really) started crying when I told her. It was very uncomfortable situation because we were siting at the table with a bunch of other people who did not know and I did not want to tell at that moment. So I ended up consoling her, telling her that everything will be ok, it felt so stupid, the whole situation. Then after that she never even texted to see how I was doing. Perhaps I should have texted her since she was the one who was in distress over my divorce. lol

I do think it’s possible that there are many reasons, however my ex was not very social at all and barely did anything except work so these are people who were part of my social circle. I guess they may fear me as I’m now unattached.

the bit I find strange is that friends keep saying ‘oh we must get together’, like they are acknowledging that we haven’t done anything is a long time but the arrangements are very one sided. I guess the onus is on me.

perhaps I give the impression of being more ok than I am and I should admit I’m not. I don’t remember if people were less flakey before the pandemic, but I was also so busy before it that if someone cancelled I’d often have a plan b or it would be a welcome break.

I think when we're grieving we are (very) understandably caught up in feelings of despair, anger etc and going through the grief cycle. Sometimes that makes us not great company and people will avoid us because it's draining. I'm very lucky that my friends did put up with me being self absorbed about it, but before I dumped on them I always asked if it was ok and we'd jokingly put a timer on it. It's not being a bad friend to avoid someone who is draining you about the shit in their lives especially if you've got your own stuff going on.

When we're going through the grief cycle because the second most stressful thing (death of a spouse is the first) occurs, we are going to take things we wouldn't normally take personally, personal. Also our brain looks for patterns to keep us safe, so if it looks like a friend is avoiding us then our brain will automatically reach for that assumption.

Please don't write your friends off. Please reach out to them. Be vulnerable, tell them you're struggling, build those bonds deap again. Get past the automatic brain response perceiving danger from them.

It feels like a conflict between trying not to dump on people but being vulnerable at the same time.

Just ask OP. Ask if they mind you dumping on them and say if they haven't got the brain space don't worry. 99% of the time they will say go ahead and dump and they will have appreciated you asking first.

I'm now not allowed to talk about my ex to a few of my friends. He is now known as he who shall not be named and I have a rubber band on my wrist that I flick when I think about him. But when he does odd things - like he got a parcel delivered to my house for himself not long ago, he put my address on it.. I can say things like that.

My friends let me dump on them for almost 6 months and I've worked through it. I'm rarely upset, I feel positive about the future and I have so much other fun things going on he rarely does get a mention. If I start again with the - if only they now tell me off and I flick my elastic band 😂

It's ok to be vulnerable. There's so much strength in being honest and authentic about your feelings. You will become stronger friends with your friends if you reach out and continue making the effort too.

During my divorce recovery I've gone for a lot of walks and listened to a lot of podcasts. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability and shame. Be vulnerable, you're holding up a barrier to authentic connection if you pretend you're ok when you're not.

Also the Samaratins are not just for people wanting to kill themselves. You can give them a ring to have someone to talk to every day if yoy need too. I didn't as I rang my nan every day and had a rota with my friends - I'd ring a different friend every day and say the same shit every day till it was processed for me. Don't burn your friends out, they have shit going on too.

This time will pass. Get signed off work for a month or so if you can. Get some counselling (this really helped me). There was a lundy bancroft book recommended on here that I found helpful, should I stay or should I go. Half of it was describing different relationship problems and the other half was rebuilding your life and finding yourself after. It was a good book.

OP, losing friendships is common after divorce, and it seems especially so for women. I'm eight years past my own divorce and have had to accept that some former friends are not coming back. However, a few acquaintances from that period popped up and we've been building a deeper friendship. So it is quite surprising to find out who wants your company and doesn't care that hubby is no longer around.

As for your flaky "we must get together" pals, leave them to it. Don't waste your energy chasing them. Can you find new social groups for your DC-free weekends? Hiking club, cycling club, dance class, history tours? (Just naming all these because I do them.)

@SnowWhitesSM Very well said. I like the idea of putting a timer on the miserable offloading before you get to the fun stuff! 😁

So sorry you are going through this OP. Remember that women can be extremely fickle. One of my least favourite phrases is 'we must (insert activity)' as you know it's non committal. I'd rather hear/say 'when are you free to (X).

I really disagree with most women are fickle. No we mostly work FT, whilst managing the majority of the mental load and usually a pretty useless husband. Then we're supposed to manage to keep fit, eat healthy and practice self care, then friends on top of that, then aging parents or other family members. Women are not mostly fickle, women are built for connecting with others and pushed into a nurturing role. Then there's fuck all left to give anyone let alone yourself.

Most people want to see their friends more and be better friends. But we're burnt out as a collective. The cost of socialising has dramatically increased and going out and spending money with your friends instead of on your dc is seen as inherently selfish.

Most people really do mean that they want to see you. And they do, they've just been stuck in the never ending drudgery of school runs, work, meal planning, shopping, looking after parents, dealing with their dcs school dramas, q husband who 9x out of 10 takes more than he gives. They're exhausted, broke and covering it up.

Don't automatically think negatively of your friends OP. I tell my teenage dc this all of the time. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt and cultivate your relationships with them. Loneliness kills at the same rate as smoking does. Selfishly look after yourself by making sure you have people in your life. Don't let them slip unless they're actually twats. Accept your friends for who they are and don't expect perfection from them.

Yes, that was my experience as well. My divorce coincided with the end of primary school so maintaining some of the friendships built through school was difficult.

I was very lonely for a while, relying on phone calls with life long friends who lived far away. Eventually, I made new friends and there are only a couple of the pre-divorce ones that I still see