Ex not having kids overnight

[Sova]

I’m so frustrated with my ex. We don’t have a child arrangement order and I know that legally nothing I can do and can’t force him to be a parent. We have two kids and he instituted he will have them 3 nights a week, I can’t believe how naive I was. We got divorced in July last year. We had a consent order and I bought him out of the house. I agreed to give away a large amount as thought it’s also for the kids so he gets a suitable accommodation. He wouldn’t move out initially so I had to get him out last January. He is now in a shared flat and ‘is looking’ for a suitable accommodation so could have the kids overnight. Since January!! I’m so frustrated.
Atm he gives me very little money (again can’t do anything as agreed it in consent order thinking it’s ok as he will have them 3 nights a week). He does whatever he wants to do, will mostly pick them up from school 2-3 days a week, gives them some junk food and brings them when I finish work. When talking to him about it, I just get ‘you should have thought about it before making all this drama’ and today ‘well, you’ve put us in all this mess’.
some friends pointed put it could be worse, he could not see them at all and give me no money.
i had no bloody choice than to divorce him, he was never home. I’m so frustrated. I work full time, take kids places, pay for most things, have additional work I need to do. I don’t have energy anymore. I’m just so frustrated as it’s just so not fair. I had to stop the gym and other activities as can’t afford them and don’t have childcare, while this idiot just does whatever he wants when he wants it.
Does it get better??
And does it get better the way I think about men and relationships? Atm it is been there, got the t shirt, is it a phase? I’m so angry and bitter.

Sorry not instituted, meant insisted

What a shit bag. Sounds like you were stitched up in the settlement. Hopefully a wiser woman will respond with some financial advice xx

thanks. I’ve spoken to solicitors and unfortunately there isn’t much I can do. We hear about women stopping contact etc but there is a lot of us who actually want them to be more engaged and have contact and take them overnight. I think my ex has decided that the way to go is to be as selfish as possible. Which then means that there is the massive amount of responsibility on me. I love my children with all my heart and love spending time with them however it’s not that much fun if I’m just rushing everywhere, I’m exhausted and stressing about money. He told me yesterday blankly that he doesn’t give a shit about how I feel.

OP child maintenance in a consent order is only valid for 12 months, after 12 months you apply to the CHild maintenance service for them to assess it instead. Suggest you do this now as the 12 months is nearly up.

Thanks. I think the Vincent order started in October even though the divorce was in July but definitely I’m going to be doing that. The only thing that is difficult is that he is self employed and will do anything he can to avoid paying me so we will see what comes our of it. Also can he lie that actually he has them overnight? Do I need to provide a proof? Will hmrc investigate if I say that he hides his income if I explain where he works?
he really doesn’t get that he needs to pay for half of things, activities, breakfast clubs etc

my ex in 5 years has never had our kids over night, and wouldn’t. It’s right that you can’t force him to. I don’t think jan is that bad if he actually intends to and isn’t just saying it...

That’s awful, how are you coping? I’m developing a major anger issue.
i don’t think he is looking that’s the thing. I honestly thing he just feels comfortable how things are. And he thinks he is a fantastic dad to see them for 6-8 hrs a week in total 🙄

And it’s only after school while I work so I don’t get any time for myself at all while he has loads of three time to do as he pleases

my ex use to see them every other weekend for the day but that stopped now as he didn’t like traveling down just to see them for a few hours (lives 2 hours away) same situation shared housing so can’t have them there, I suspect your ex probably isn’t looking for anywhere else as it would be a lot more expensive than just renting a room and a lot of men sadly don’t like to have the children over night as a way to stop the mum having a life

Yep, that’s how it feels. He doesn’t think that impacts on the kids if I’m heavily stressed our or that the kids love him and want to spend time with their dad somewhere else than at kfc

He is angry with you because you initiated the divorce and he is trying to punish you by using custody to make your life as difficult as possible. This is an unorthodox suggestion but I would meet him somewhere without the children and try to have an honest conversation with him. In his desire to punish you he probably doesn't realise that he is having an impact on his children, who want to see him more and spend more time with him in relaxed settings doing everyday things, not just having fried chicken. If you can get this point across to him, your situation will improve. Don't mention at all that his actions are inconveniencing you because this is exactly what he wants. Make it about the kids and he will see sense eventually. Good luck

Hello, this is a great suggestion although I feel that I’ve done it already. He went away for 5 weeks to his home country which was an absolute nightmare in cost of childcare etc. I had a chat with him that the children miss him and want to see their dad, I’ve told him that they can’t wait to see their new house with him and that they’ve been putting away the books and toys they want to take which is true. And I did emphasise that the kids really need him and need their dad.
All I got from him was that he knows and he is looking and that I’ve done this to them by ‘making drama’. He can be very unreliable towards them eg will promise something but then not deliver or change plans to suit himself. He used to it to me a lot and I really didn’t think he would do it to the kids so it’s heartbreaking to see although they don’t seem to care that much and I just compensate and work harder so they don’t miss out.
It’s hard as to him because of his background he feels if they have a roof and food, nothing else matters that much and a lot of kids have it worse. The fact that he takes them to some activities means that he should be given a medal in his eyes.

how do people cope with anger?