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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband walked out on me and newborn whilst grieving

14 replies

Ktmc · 09/05/2022 00:13

My husband and I tragically lost our 13 month old son recently to cancer. We spent 9 straight months in hospital by his side. Everyday he’s been the light of our lives and I miss him dearly and my life is unbearable without him.

during his treatment I found out I was pregnant with baby no.2. I knew it would be hard with my sons treatment but I was excited to be having another baby.

the day I gave birth, I was told my sons diagnosis was incurable and we were sent home for palliative care and got 1 treasured week at home with him before his passing.

I gave birth alone and had no help or love from my partner during my pregnancy. I thought it was just stress so didn’t get hung up on it. But less than a week after my son passed, my husband walked out on me and our newborn baby in the middle of the night. Leaving me totally alone whilst unable to function with grief. He left us with no money and gave no remorse for his actions. He told me he no longer loved me over text message after years together and said his life was going no where with me. But we had been in hospital for nearly a year, unable to work and I hardly felt like that was my fault. He didn’t hug me once after my son passed or even after I gave birth alone. The day after he died he told me to just accept it and I’m broken.

i don’t know what to do without him or why he has gone from loving me so deeply to not having any love for me at all. I’m completely alone with a newborn and grieving my other baby. I don’t know what to do. I feel totally hopeless. I need support during this time and I don’t know who to turn to or how to get through this.

all I wanted during this time was for us to pull through together as a family as we’ve been through hell and back. I just wanted him to be there so much and for us to both be there to raise our daughter. What do I do?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 09/05/2022 00:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. He has also lost a child, and clearly is not strong enough to support his family.

Do you have a support network?

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

zeddybrek · 09/05/2022 00:17

Hi OP, I'm so very for your loss. I didn't want to read and run and I'm sure someone with better advice will follow. Could this be his coping mechanism? You've both been through a lot and we all process these things differently. Sorry I'm not making excuses just trying to understand why he would leave you like this. Do you have support from family and friends? I would focus on your baby, and take it a day at a time. x

rhowton · 09/05/2022 00:20

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are both grieving and it is a horrible situation. I hope you have support and are gentle with yourself.

DoctorMarten · 09/05/2022 00:22

I'm so sorry. You must be feeling so shocked and alone. Do you have other support?

Sweepingeyelashes · 09/05/2022 00:25

I am so sorry to hear what a miserable time you've had. I am sure your daughter will bring you much joy. I know it seems unbelievable now but things will get better. I have no words about your partner's behaviour. Somebody more charitable than me would say grief was the cause of his behaviour but that's no excuse for how he is behaving.

strawberrywhip · 09/05/2022 00:27

I don't really know what to say other than I am so very sorry for your loss x

TooManyPJs · 09/05/2022 01:07

I strongly suspect he has switched everything off as he has been unable to cope. Having another child may, on top of the grief, have been making him fearful it might happen again. And it's was just all too much and this unconscious coping mechanism kicked in.

Depression, trauma or grief can make you disassociate and he has experienced all of these.

Really really awful for you though as you are coping with everything he is plus the loss of your partner and support.

I am so so sorry you are having to cope with all of this and that you have been abandoned when you most needed support and love.

You both need support and grief counselling. Is that something you are accessing? Do you have family and friends to support you?

He may come back to you in time (if you want that of course) but you probably can't do too much other than take care of you and your child and get the support you need for you in place.

Seraphinesupport · 09/05/2022 02:05

this does sound like a cooing mechanism and maybe a little bit of a breakdown. he needs space right now. You need to cope aswell so please reach out to anyone that can be near you, maybe look at joining a support group for grieving people / mums

AllyCatTown · 09/05/2022 02:21

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope you have a support network or can take steps to try to form one. It must be so difficult. I hope your second child is bringing you some joy at the moment. He’s not acted well and while it maybe his coping mechanism it doesn’t excuse it.

Original poster
Ktmc · 09/05/2022 08:33

Ktmc · 09/05/2022 00:13

My husband and I tragically lost our 13 month old son recently to cancer. We spent 9 straight months in hospital by his side. Everyday he’s been the light of our lives and I miss him dearly and my life is unbearable without him.

during his treatment I found out I was pregnant with baby no.2. I knew it would be hard with my sons treatment but I was excited to be having another baby.

the day I gave birth, I was told my sons diagnosis was incurable and we were sent home for palliative care and got 1 treasured week at home with him before his passing.

I gave birth alone and had no help or love from my partner during my pregnancy. I thought it was just stress so didn’t get hung up on it. But less than a week after my son passed, my husband walked out on me and our newborn baby in the middle of the night. Leaving me totally alone whilst unable to function with grief. He left us with no money and gave no remorse for his actions. He told me he no longer loved me over text message after years together and said his life was going no where with me. But we had been in hospital for nearly a year, unable to work and I hardly felt like that was my fault. He didn’t hug me once after my son passed or even after I gave birth alone. The day after he died he told me to just accept it and I’m broken.

i don’t know what to do without him or why he has gone from loving me so deeply to not having any love for me at all. I’m completely alone with a newborn and grieving my other baby. I don’t know what to do. I feel totally hopeless. I need support during this time and I don’t know who to turn to or how to get through this.

all I wanted during this time was for us to pull through together as a family as we’ve been through hell and back. I just wanted him to be there so much and for us to both be there to raise our daughter. What do I do?

i Did wonder whether this was a grief coping mechanism.
but the day he left, he totally blocked me out, went and got his old job back over 3 hours away (where we used to live together) and signed up to his old gym on a 12 month subscription. Spoke with friends he hasn’t seen in years and never told them that since he left that town, he’s had two kids with me. Just that he’s single now.

He went back to a life where I did not exist. A life he lived before we Met. He’s living the life he was living, alone at 18 and seems perfectly happy.
he told me he hasn’t been happier in years. But it’s only been two weeks since our son died and I’m still grieving and struggling to get through the days.
if he tries to come back would you take him despite all that’s happened?
or do I just have to accept this is a choice he’s made and move on despite it being the last thing I’d ever dream of wanting?
I think I’ve just been torn up between what is grief and what’s real. But at what point do I have to make that distinction…

OP posts:
LemonTT · 09/05/2022 09:50

The priorities for you now are your child and your own mental health. Don’t fill your head thinking about why be left, what journey he is on or where it will end.

I doubt he is being honest with himself never mind anyone else. But his instinct told him to leave. That is might be drive by weakness or strength. Probably both but it doesn’t matter. It nothing you can control.

what you can do is rebuild your life for you and your child. Whenever intrusive thoughts invade, go to a list of things you need to do to build your life with your daughter.

AlternativePerspective · 09/05/2022 09:56

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Going back to his old life sounds to me as if he just wanted to turn back the clock to a happy time, iyswim. He will absolutely be grieving as well but for now you need to focus on yourself.

Perhaps in time he may come back but at the moment you need to seek support for you.

Unfortunately it is all too common for relationships to not survive the death of a child. But that isn’t anyone’s fault. Grief affects people differently.

Gazelda · 09/05/2022 10:17

Your baby boy died 2 weeks ago and you have a 3 week old. Your DP left and has moved his life on.

You must be reeling from this trauma. I hope you are leaning on HV and every other support network available. Do you have friends and family with you?

As to you DP, I think you should leave him to deal with his grief in his way. He's no use to you right now. Concentrate on yourself and DD.

Im so sorry you're going through this and for your tragic loss.

hoorayandupsherises · 09/05/2022 10:42

I am so sorry for your loss.

Sadly, I think you have to concentrate as much as you can on getting help for yourself and your newborn. Get as much help from friends, family and HV. Have the hospital put you in touch with any of the charities who provide counselling and support? I'd really suggest you get in touch with them if not.

Yes, while it seems like that your H is acting out of grief, you can't know how the situation will go. You will exhaust yourself if you spend time trying to figure out all the possible scenarios of how this could pan out and his behaviour is not currently within your circumstances of control.

Take care of yourself Flowers

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