Please talk me through the process / share stories before I kick this off.

[MovingSlowlyOn]

Hello - 16 years of marriage and 3 DC (youngest 11). I've been very unhappy for some time and DH had persuaded me this was my mental health issue, depression, menopause etc. so the real issues were just kicked into the sand over and over again. I've been quite emotional and now feel indifferent. I don't like my children seeing me this way and don't recognise myself.

I now know that this is simply a case of me feeling invisible, insignificant in the household and actually quite frightened at times. I fear being ill because I do not feel that anyone would take care of me. Whatever the reason - I am living DH's life and not my own. I don't feel heard or understood and parenting has become very difficult indeed, because DH and I disagree a lot .

I feel ready to face this down and try to make a better life for myself, but I have lost confidence in dealing with people, don't trust my own judgement. If I speak to a lawyer, how can I be sure that they won't make things worse for me? He is much more respected than I am by friends and my own family. I have opened up to a friend who I will be able to talk to throughout the process and I have reached out for both therapy for myself and relationship counseling for us. I am hoping a relationship counsellor will allow me to get us to a place where we can handle everything amicably. I don't believe he can ever make me happy. He's naturally selfish and has been happy to make me feel this is my problem to deal with this whole time. After 16 years, he doesn't know how to make me happy.

Is anyone willing to share the steps forward from here so that I know what to expect and prepare for? Anything that I should get in place before everything gets moving? I feel like I should find a job so that I have some financial security before we arrange to live separately, but starting a new job could put more pressure on me and I have been fragile for some time.

See post on where to start just posted today as well…I’ve put links in there.

my humble advice is to start to inform yourself about the process, what you’d likely walk away with in terms of finances, child care etc and then start to visualise what your future might realistically look like

all the time I could not visualise what it might look like I was scared. That fear of the unknown meant I could not move forwards in making the decision to divorce and telling my ex, and then starting the process. The more you can eliminate the unknown and replace it with a known pathway of how, when and what it involves and what future is likely to possible the more difficult it is.

Thank you EmilyBolton

Hello OP, your post sounds like I could have written it with few different details. I was with my now ex for 25 years, most of which I was not happy. He is a narcissistic type, selfish and self centered, things always had to be his way, not very compassionate, caring, or helpful. I also did not feel cared for, respected or appreciated and if I would try to voice my concern, he would immediately become defensive, start arguing and pinning the fault at me and in the end give me the silent treatment. Eventually I dreaded arguments and avoided them as much as possible which resulted in me living, like you said, his life not mine.

I would say that you are doing everything you should already. First thing for me was to get some counselling for myself (I offered couples counselling to him but he refused), next stop is a solicitor. I know that they can be expensive but most of them offer half an hour free consult and an hour or so is all you need really. You need them to tell you what your rights and responsibilities are. I know I felt much better after I talked to one. I think that getting a job would be wise at this point. Once you separate you will be dividing everything so you will not end up with nothing, but eventually you will need to work to support yourself and your kids, so I think it should be sooner rather then later.

I tried to do things that I thought would help me through this process, so apart from counselling I started doing yoga and mediating. It is important you have someone in real life you can talk to, but posting here on MN literally saved my life, so keep posting, we got you.