Don’t know what to do

[voxnihili]

DP and I have been together 10.5 years and have a 3.5 year old DD. We generally get on fine. It’s not the most exciting relationship but life is pleasant. I strongly suspect DP has some form of ASD (I’m not qualified to make a diagnosis but I have previous experience as a SENCO and recognise lots of signs).

I’ve made a mistake. DP renovated our house himself and is very house proud. I was home for an engineer to come and install a different internet provider. They’ve drilled a hole into the wall of the house and DP has gone mad. It didn’t seem odd to me that they would need to drill through to put their cables in. He refused to let them continue with the installation. He’s now not speaking to me.

In a moment of silence last night, I asked him if he wanted me to go. He said yes, but he wants his DD to stay and he can’t look after her on his own (he does shift work).

Part of me is hoping this all blows over but his comment last night has confirmed my fear that he thinks nothing of me. Maybe it’s just his anger over what happened and it is something I will have to raise if things do blow over.

Moving out and taking DD with me is tricky as she starts school in September and has been offered a place at the best school in our LA. The catchment is small and I wouldn’t be able to move somewhere local enough for her to keep her place. It’s unlikely that any other good schools will have places now.

I think for now I’ll have to stay but not sure I can cope with the atmosphere. And I know it won’t be good for DD as she’ll pick up on it so that will be something else to raise with him.

Don’t really know if I’m asking for advice or just trying to get this off my chest. I don’t want to talk to anyone in RL as I think they’ll be a bit WTF about the situation.

I'm fairly sure that once you've been given a place, you're able to move (as long as you were genuinely living there at the time you applied). Check with an expert but don't let it hold you back!

He sounds horrible, so I hope you can get out soon x

Yes I think once she’s in and settled we can move a bit more flexibly.

He’s generally not a horrible person, just a tricky character at times. I genuinely think he has ASD and just accept his bizarre ways. The reason I sometimes feel like he doesn’t care is because he’s not openly affectionate to me. He is more affectionate to DD although he does still struggle a bit.

He’s a great dad to DD and they both adore each other.

So because someone else drilled a hole your relationship is over?

Don't leave your child there can you imagine if she steps out of line

Is the house joint?

Just accept your place and move. Sorry things are so hard with your DP - I can empathise with feeling like you don’t matter. I’ve been there.

That’s pretty much it. We’d agreed to change internet provider so I just went along with what the engineer said needed doing.

The house isn’t joint and he thinks it shows a complete lack of regard for something he has worked so hard for. Please no comments about being stupid for living in someone else’s house - I have a very well paid, term time only job with a pension so I’m not in a financially vulnerable situation.

I wouldn’t leave DD, not because I’m worried about his behaviour towards her but because she’s my world. If we leave, it will turn her world upside down. I’m aware though that if we stay and she picks up an atmosphere that will affect her to.

It's all a bit of a storm in a teacup isn't it? I suspect there are other problems in the background. Is this his excuse for wanting you to go? It would have happened anyway, sooner or later. I'm glad you're financially sound.

You say he has bizarre ways...have you read "why is he like that" by someone called Lundy. It certainly opened my eyes. Always thought my husband had quirks but after 30 years it turns out he is just the normal type of controlling abusive twat. He had me conned from the beginning.

He's a tosser.
This isn't about anything undiagnosed - this is reminding you it's his house and you're just fortunate to live there.

You need to leave carefully and with your daughter

And personally I would worry about how he treats her when he can no longer mistreat you

@Pixiedust1234 I’ve not heard of that book so will have a look. I’ve never really thought of him as controlling or abusive. His bizarre ways have included things like eating certain foods on certain days.

The last time we fell out was when DD started nursery 3 years ago as he didn’t want her to go and wanted me to stay home with her, as that’s what his mum did. I stood my ground though and it all worked out fine. At the time I did think maybe he was being a bit controlling but he was genuinely concerned that they wouldn’t look after DD properly. Will be interesting to see if I still think the same after reading the book.

@Dillydollydingdong it certainly feels like a storm in a teacup.

@girlmom21 you’re probably right. Have never really felt like that but it is likely true.

Whatever happens I won’t be leaving DD, and won’t be doing anything in a rush (at least not until I know for definite about DD’s school place). Thanks for different perspectives - it’s useful to have things to consider.