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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Partner left me at 20 weeks pregnant for someone else

24 replies

Ahop2427 · 27/04/2022 13:51

Hi
i have been looking at other people’s stories similar to mine and decided to make my own thread just for some advice really.
I was with my partner for nearly 12 years. We argued from time to time but nothing serious. I never had any trust issues regarding other women as that was something he never made me have doubts about. We tried for our first baby for nearly 2 years and we’re both over the moon when we found out I was pregnant.
18 weeks pregnant and he began going out a lot, not coming back till the next day. This caused arguments and he told me he was no longer happy with me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. 2 weeks later he eventually admitted that he had been speaking to and meeting up with someone else but that he would not do this anymore during the pregnancy as did not want to cause anymore stress for me. Fast forward a month and I then found out he was speaking to this person again and not only was he speaking to her he was also now in a relationship with her.
He tells me he will always be there for me and the baby and wants to be at scans, the birth etc but I have no clue what to do for the best as I’m also hurting myself while allowing him.
I also tried to message this girl who admitted they were seeing each other, that he had been honest with her since the day he met her regarding the relationship and baby and that she would not be contacting me again.
I just have no idea what to do or where to go from here as it’s still all such a big shock and I never once imagined him to do this to me or our baby.
If anyone has been in a similar situation or any advice I would appreciate it

OP posts:
WorriedMum13 · 27/04/2022 13:54

This is so awful and I'm sorry you are going through it during what should be a very exciting timeFlowers

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 27/04/2022 13:57

What’s your housing / employment / financial situation OP? Has your ex moved out of the home you share ?

Dontknownow86 · 27/04/2022 13:58

No, he doesn't get to do this to you and still pretend to be a doting father. He can have contact after the birth but I see no reason you need to see / speak to him til then.

Original poster
Ahop2427 · 27/04/2022 14:00

We didn’t share a home, we were in the process of getting a home together which I have had to go through with on my own now. I work full time. I have amazing friend and family support around me too. I guess it’s just not the same Feeling when it’s something that you planned for that length of time with someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 27/04/2022 14:04

He tells me he will always be there for me and the baby and wants to be at scans, the birth etc

So he wants to cherry pick the bits he likes the sounds of, whilst dipping in and out of your life? I certainly wouldn’t allow any of this. You need to focus on your own well-being right now. He is a complete asshole.

So sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you have supportive people around you.

ToiletGambles · 27/04/2022 14:11

I'm so sorry OP, what an absolute arsehole he is. Do not chase him in regards to appointments etc, if you are happy for him to be there then fine but I would let him come to you and ask for dates etc. Give the baby your surname. Start a CMS claim as soon as the baby is born, he might have ran off like a teenager but he can still do what's right in regards to financial support. It's brilliant you have lovely friends and family around, for what it's worth I think you are fucking amazing and your child is very lucky to have such a strong woman as their mum.

Birdy78 · 27/04/2022 14:11

He’s an absolute shit bag. You’re better off without him and you can be an excellent and amazing single mother. Make sure you get financial support for the little one but don’t take this creep back. If you do he’ll just run you round for years and ruin both your lives. Better you know now. You can do this !

Badger1970 · 27/04/2022 14:14

If he can walk out on a pregnant partner, he's not worth much. What a prize the OW has "won" for herself.............

I'd block contact and let yourself draw breath. This needs to happen on your terms and not his - he lost that right.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 27/04/2022 14:24

That’s all good news op. No of course it’s not the same as planning the baby together. But you can still make it amazing and wonderful without him.

I agree with @Dontknownow86 . Tell your ex that you will let him know once the baby is born. Then stop all contact with him and make sure that any mutual friends don’t tell him anything.

Make all your birth plans with your friends and family. Once you are home from hospital, go and register your babies birth with your choice of first name and your surname. Put in your claim for child support online .

Then contact him with a photo and details of the baby and let him come and see baby.

You will get over him a lot sooner if you do this. Do not I repeat NOT send him baby info in the hope of luring him back.no scan photos etc . It’s YOUR PRIVATE MEDICAL INFO. Don’t sent it to him and then complain it’s all over Facebook etc

Anyway It won’t work. He might make promises because he feels guilty , then he will let you down again and you will feel ever worse.

Believe him when he says it’s over and plan your best life without him, except in a very minor role. Most men in his siutauon do not have the baby 50:50, so ignore any MRA who come along and tell you this.

Odds are that he will see very little of your baby and that will fade out after a few months or certainly years. That’s the sad reality I’m afraid.

You have ZERO responsibility to make him see his child . You will have enough to do being a single mum and working FT I promise you.

If he chooses to see his child you need to allow reasonable access, but their interest usually wears off.

Your only responsibility is to yourself - your physical and mental health and that of your baby. So ignore him and this girl and look after yourself

PineForestsAndSunshine · 27/04/2022 14:33

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 27/04/2022 14:24

That’s all good news op. No of course it’s not the same as planning the baby together. But you can still make it amazing and wonderful without him.

I agree with @Dontknownow86 . Tell your ex that you will let him know once the baby is born. Then stop all contact with him and make sure that any mutual friends don’t tell him anything.

Make all your birth plans with your friends and family. Once you are home from hospital, go and register your babies birth with your choice of first name and your surname. Put in your claim for child support online .

Then contact him with a photo and details of the baby and let him come and see baby.

You will get over him a lot sooner if you do this. Do not I repeat NOT send him baby info in the hope of luring him back.no scan photos etc . It’s YOUR PRIVATE MEDICAL INFO. Don’t sent it to him and then complain it’s all over Facebook etc

Anyway It won’t work. He might make promises because he feels guilty , then he will let you down again and you will feel ever worse.

Believe him when he says it’s over and plan your best life without him, except in a very minor role. Most men in his siutauon do not have the baby 50:50, so ignore any MRA who come along and tell you this.

Odds are that he will see very little of your baby and that will fade out after a few months or certainly years. That’s the sad reality I’m afraid.

You have ZERO responsibility to make him see his child . You will have enough to do being a single mum and working FT I promise you.

If he chooses to see his child you need to allow reasonable access, but their interest usually wears off.

Your only responsibility is to yourself - your physical and mental health and that of your baby. So ignore him and this girl and look after yourself

This is such wonderful advice.

I’m so sorry you find yourself, through no fault of your own, in this stressful position. However, the stress and pain you are feeling now is temporary and you have a wonderful future ahead of you.

Your only responsibility is to yourself and your child. Yes, you will need to support your child to have a relationship with their father, but you certainly do not need to involve him in your pregnancy or birth.

For now I’d try to concentrate on getting the practical things in place. For example, what childcare did you have planned for after the birth and will it be affected by this? Will your income be enough and are you eligible for any additional financial assistance?

PinkButtercups · 27/04/2022 14:36

He doesn't get to dip in and out of the good bits and play daddy when he wants to.

Other than contacting him for the birth. Don't contact him other than that.

Shame on them both.

MrMrsJones · 27/04/2022 14:37

Ahop2427 · 27/04/2022 13:51

Hi
i have been looking at other people’s stories similar to mine and decided to make my own thread just for some advice really.
I was with my partner for nearly 12 years. We argued from time to time but nothing serious. I never had any trust issues regarding other women as that was something he never made me have doubts about. We tried for our first baby for nearly 2 years and we’re both over the moon when we found out I was pregnant.
18 weeks pregnant and he began going out a lot, not coming back till the next day. This caused arguments and he told me he was no longer happy with me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. 2 weeks later he eventually admitted that he had been speaking to and meeting up with someone else but that he would not do this anymore during the pregnancy as did not want to cause anymore stress for me. Fast forward a month and I then found out he was speaking to this person again and not only was he speaking to her he was also now in a relationship with her.
He tells me he will always be there for me and the baby and wants to be at scans, the birth etc but I have no clue what to do for the best as I’m also hurting myself while allowing him.
I also tried to message this girl who admitted they were seeing each other, that he had been honest with her since the day he met her regarding the relationship and baby and that she would not be contacting me again.
I just have no idea what to do or where to go from here as it’s still all such a big shock and I never once imagined him to do this to me or our baby.
If anyone has been in a similar situation or any advice I would appreciate it

I just wish women were able to just have no emotional connection and hand over the baby and say, you might not want me, but here is the baby you wanted, over to you and skip off into the sunset.

I know we can't, but bloody hell sometimes I wish we could

PinkButtercups · 27/04/2022 14:37

If you want him at the birth of course. I personally wouldn't but that's me.

BemoreDerek · 27/04/2022 14:38

You need distance from him so you can find your feet OP, you said yourself it's hurting you having him so involved so stop. You don't owe him anything, he wasn't considering your feelings when he started up something with someone new so why should you consider his? You have two priorities now, yourself and your baby, don't get bogged down in his 'rights' as a father, he effectively has none until baby is born (and even then any court proceedings are about the rights of the child, not the parent) and you don't have to allow him to scans or the birth if you don't want to. Involvement in those things is what he gave up when he chose to be with someone else, he doesn't get to play the role of your partner when it suits him. I'm not suggesting you exclude him out of spite but you certainly don't need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm if you see what I mean, don't do things that make you uncomfortable purely for his benefit.

DeskInUse · 27/04/2022 14:40

What @SoonToBeQueenCamilla said. All good advice and will help you heal a lot quicker

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2022 14:45

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla has great advice. Plan your life single. Don't play the 'pick me' dance. Don't give him the lovely bits of parenthood to lure him back because he only wants those bits.

He has been utterly self-serving so you need to be utterly self- and baby-serving. Do what is right for you and the baby when it's here ALL THE TIME. He wants to be at a scan, birth or event, what do you and the baby need? He wants to choose a name, nope, you choose (and give the baby your last name). And so on. Because the likelihood is that he won't be around and if he is, you can make different choices in future.

Mix56 · 27/04/2022 14:59

I agree, dont tell him re scans, birth or anything else, give him nothing, inform him of nothing

ChocolateHippo · 27/04/2022 15:12

I agree with @SoonToBeQueenCamilla. Have him at the scans if it suits you but don't get bullied into letting him attend the birth... you need people there who will support you.
Give the baby your name (and choose the first name you like) and don't put him on the BC.
Claim CM as soon as the baby is born.
Send him a photo with details when you're feeling recovered from the birth and offer reasonable contact (maybe 2-3 times a week for an hour at your house if you feel that is manageable).

With the lack of commitment he has shown, there's a good chance he will fade out of your lives soon after the baby arrives, so you won't want too many ties to him or reminders of him.

bluedomino · 27/04/2022 15:18

Oh darling, it's tough but in the long run it's better he's done this now and you can see exactly what kind of person he is. You will never make a relationship work with him now, even if he came back and promised you the world. Now, you won't spend your life worrying if he's going to leave when your baby is 3 or 13. Or wondering if he will ever marry you. You won't have to pretend to your family that he is supportive so they won't worry. What you can do is...

  1. Cut him off completely. No scan photos. No information. No contact. Ask a friend to be an intermediary.
  1. Give birth with a friend or your Mum. It's hard enough without the pain of looking at the shithead who rejected you and wondering if he is texting his new girlfriend. Do you really want him watching you give birth? Or present so in future, everytime you think of that special moment you remember him being there. Do you want to explain to every dr/nurse that you are no longer together?
Importantly, if you are incapable of signing medical consent forms do you want him being given control over your health? (This happened at my birth, it didn't matter he wasn't my next of kin, he still was given the decision).
  1. Your surname. Only yours. Do not think he will take more interest if the baby has his surname. Its so awkward having a different name to your child. You can travel abroad without hassle with the same name.
  1. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Do not give him parental responsibility. I cannot stress this enough.
  1. You know where you are. Friends and family will give you so much support as they know you need it. You can make your own routine without him messing it up.
  1. CMS claim ready to go immediately. Don't believe for one minute he will be generous or even fair. He's already shown you how important this baby is to him. A new shag is more important than his child.
  1. Keep the baby with you for a long as possible. Make him go to court to get access. He probably won't.
  1. See if you can claim UC to top up your wages.
  1. Don't do the pick me dance. He's not worthy.
  1. Have a good life, knowing you got rid of the deceitful, sly, tosser the minute things got tough.

You can do it. It won't be harder. It will be easier. Look at how many threads there are here with new fathers not pulling their weight. It's your way now. You know you would never trust him.
I'm sorry if I sound blunt but I wish I had been in your situation rather than making all the wrong decisions and wasting my life on a lying man incapable of change, love or parenting.
Good luck and lots of strength to you.

lunar1 · 27/04/2022 15:28

What everyone else said. Cut him off completely during your pregnancy. Get your maintenance claim ready and a friend/family member can submit it asap after the birth.

Have your beautiful baby, get them registered with your choice of name. Then when you are ready have someone let him know the baby has been born and the details.

Short, regular contact for the first few months in your home or a friend /family home. Babies don't need taking away from their mum in the 4th trimester by a man who has seriously breached your trust.

Everything centres around you and your child for the pregnancy and the first few months. Obviously no OW welcome with a baby!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, let those close to you help out and keep you as relaxed as possible.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/04/2022 15:49

What an absolute twat he is . You are fortunate that you have friends and family let them be your support and be excited alongside you .

cantbelieveheletmedown · 27/04/2022 16:41

What "woman" would ant to be with a bloke knowing another woman is carrying his child!!! Yuck they clearly deserve each other! Pair of skanks!!!!

Original poster
Ahop2427 · 27/04/2022 22:15

Thankyou all for your advice and support it means a lot. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have my last private scan this Sunday which he said he was going to come to however I haven’t heard anything and don’t really expect him to turn up. I’ve made new social media accounts and blocked everyone I can think of who is involved with this new girl yet I am still getting friend requests constantly off people she knows. I also only have him on messenger just for contact regarding the baby and he has muted his notifications for that too from me so just shows how well that relationship is already going.
Its been 2 months now (from what I know of anyways) and it still hurts like mad every single day and even though I would never ever have him back I just want him to wake up and realise how stupid he has been and understand the damage he has done. I’m just hoping it begins to get a bit easier very soon

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2023 21:30

How are things now? I’m in your shoes with a four month old and I am wondering how the year has gone and if you have any advice for what lies ahead!

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