I've had really itchy feet since my divorce a little over 2 years ago. I've lived in 3 counties: Middlesex, Dorset and now Devon; owned two houses, now sold, and am currently living in rented again. I just can't seem to stay put anywhere and am already looking for the next move. I've also started and ended two jobs in that time; using savings to fund periods of no work. The kids left home for Uni soon after the divorce, so I've not had to consider them too much in all this, thankfully.
I feel that I am chasing rainbows, always looking over the proverbial fence for greener pastures. I really do have to settle down now; not least because it's expensive and an utterly exhausting process. It's also baffling for friends and family. Luckily, I've managed to not lose money, because I've chosen properties well in a rising market. I’m pretty good at renovations within a budget and have essentially broken-even on the fees associated with moving.
So why on earth am I doing this? I'm doing this because I was blind-sided by the split. As if hit by a high-speed train and catapulted into the air. I have been floating around in space like a wounded, astronaut ever since; trying to find my way home. I could not believe the horrendous betrayal, lies and deceit I uncovered during the end of ‘us’. I felt I didn't really know the person I was married to. My world view shifted seismically. On top of the shock, I lost good friends when we split. People I thought I'd have in my life forever just stopped calling over-night. It's a phenomenon other friends have experienced too. I think sometimes people feel they don’t want to be ‘infected’ by the dreaded D-word. They don’t know who to ‘side’ with, so sort of drop one or the other, or both of you. This was compounded by the fact that the little family I have, weren't around to help out, not in person nor through calls and texts at any point then or now. Other divorcing friends have had a series of damaging dating experiences and brief painful relationships that has formed their version of looking for that certain something, to try to ‘feel better’ and find a sense of peace. I don’t have any significant person in my life, and it’s been a painfully lonely process. So, I am hugely grateful to friends who have stayed loyal and want to be in my ever-changing life; they are my family now, but it hasn’t stopped me moving away from them. I have noticed that these past two years I have gradually healed and have a more balanced outlook. I don’t feel so blind-sided anymore.
This morning, I saw a little place for sale back in my hometown. It’s in the perfect location I’d always loved and is within my price-range. So I’ve made an appointment and will be travelling all morning early next week to view it. Perhaps this is my ‘ground-control’ calling-in the slightly mad, missing-in-action astronaut. The potential to move back feels more acceptable than it did several months ago. I do know a sense of home is tied-up with a sense of self. I’ve had a lot of counselling to help with this over the past two years. I’ve not been comfortable with who, what or where or myself for many months but that feeling has eased considerably as I’ve learned to trust that I will eventually find what I’m looking for. It’s entirely possible I’ve actually been in Oz all this time and almost have the ruby slippers to tap and wish myself back. I just needed to journey all over the place away from everyone to find myself, and appreciate what I always had, but we’ll see.