Separating - 50/50 child arrangement practicalities

[WhatsitWiggle]

We told DD (14) today that we weren't going to live together anymore. Exact date for H to move out unknown (getting references for the rental agency) but likely to be a couple of weeks.

DD took it really well, but after a few hours of digesting it, she's really worried about swopping houses during the week and forgetting school books etc. We're only going to be about a mile apart, so this problem isn't insurmountable but it made me wonder about the practicalities of it all.

Do we double up on uniform / clothing / toiletries, things like hairdryer / laptop / keyboard (she has piano lessons and is taking music GCSE)? Or does everything go from one house to the other (seems a huge hassle).

She's already an anxious child, has done so well in the last couple of months to get panic attacks under control, so anything we can say about how it can work will massively help.

DS is 10 so still at primary but it works well. There's definitely more clothing in general and not quite double school uniform but not extra school shoes or sports kit etc.
We are just good at making sure stuff gets moved about to the right house, ex-h and I will sometimes touch base about practicalities to make sure DS has all he needs.

Sorry, meant to say that DS has everything he needs in both houses so has two of some things like Alexa's and books etc. I would recommend getting hairdryers/straighteners for each house as it's just not practical to lug that around.
We have been at it for two years and it was a bit difficult to begin with but have got better. DS revels in the fact he gets double the Easter eggs and advent calendar chocolates!

Who is requesting 50/50? Is that def what she wants? Re things like laptop and keyboard, how will the 50/50 work - if its alt days its prob OK to keep the keyboard in situ but if its one week blocks, not so much. Laptop is easier to move with her simply because of the content. Enough clothes Inc uniform at both to feel like it's home.

I did tell the school so they could keep an eye on DS but also to understand that sometimes he might not have everything in one place.

Seeing as she is 14 does she want to do 50/50? At that age I would not have liked that and preferred a main home and then visited the other parent. Has it been presented to her has a 'done deal' or has she been asked her opinion/preference?

A few months in here. My teens are doing GCSE and A Levels and also didn't want to swap houses and forget things. So they only go to ex's for a full school week or for shorter bursts in holidays. Tbh they prefer being with me, I've always been the organised parent.

At this age its impossible to have 2 of everything. They have favourite clothes, uniform is too expensive to double, they have sports team kits and instruments, you can't double everything. They go between houses by chucking stuff in laundry baskets rather than properly packing.

I would promise your DD you will always help her and she won't be in trouble for forgetting stuff, if you drive and can take things to her that she needs at other house/school then do.

The plus side of splitting at this age is a lot of their friends are already experienced at swapping between homes and can be understanding.

Good luck 🍀

At 14 she really needs to get a say in the contact pattern. She will likely prefer to have a base but ask her. It's helpful to just have double of nearly everything anyway if you can afford it.

P.S. on the point about asking what they want - my teens both want a main home, but they don't want to choose between parents. I am not sure what the answer is. We all talk about it as though its 50/50 and then each week we find reasons they need to be at mine longer. I want to give them the choice but also want to protect them from feeling emotionally responsible for their dad (who puts on a totally heartbroken act when he's not online chatting to women).

Thanks all.

We did ask her what she wanted, we were actually thinking every Thurs and EOW at Dad's. I think she may be feeling that she doesn't want to upset either parent, and our thinking is that after a few weeks she'll miss her cat too much and want to stay more in the family home.

We've reassured her that we will listen to her, and can change things.

@moiraNotRuby oh I hear you on the organisation! H actually commented last night that we'll have to use the family calendar app, I was like I already do!
But we both drive and it'll be 5 minutes to get a forgotten book. Good idea about using a basket rather than properly packing, that will suit DD as well if she can just throw stuff into a box (will make a change from the floor).

Not about the practicalities, OP, but my youngest DC was this sort of age when XH and I divorced. We didn't have a fixed contact pattern, and never have done. She basically lived with me most of the time, but would have phases when she wanted to stay more with her dad. It was always led by her (unless XH or I had something specific planned or had work etc which meant it wasn't possible, obviously).

Otherwise, as PP have said - definitely useful to have double hairdryers, straighteners etc!

You mess it up to start with - PE kit in wrong house etc. School we're v understanding and it pays to be understanding of each other too.
Double up on stuff that stays inside a house (as pp says hairdryers etc) and computers, games etc. Feels like terrible waste of money but it makes it easier for the kids to handle mentally so worth it.
It's worth being flexible. Try a mid week swop then try a full week. Let them decide.
And if it makes sense for them to be in the same place Mon-Fri or go to the same house after school every day - and go later in the eve to the other parent then do that.

Whilst we don't have 50-50, but not far off - there are other things to consider too - kit for hobbies:activities eg sports, scouts etc.

Yes, order more school uniform etc. Be prepared for 7.30am runs to the other's home to drop off uniform etc, and more so at the beginning.

Also, how good will they/their other parent be about laundering/returning stuff? Will your DD have to carry extra things to school & back? My DS's school bag weighs a ton already & can't fit any more in.

DD took it really well, but after a few hours of digesting it, she's really worried about swopping houses during the week and forgetting school books etc. We're only going to be about a mile apart, so this problem isn't insurmountable but it made me wonder about the practicalities of it all.

My DC tend to lug around everything or double-check what they need, at 14 they are capable of that. We've had the odd occasion of forgetting something crucial and having to a drop at school or the other parent's house but it's been rare.

Do we double up on uniform / clothing / toiletries, things like hairdryer / laptop / keyboard (she has piano lessons and is taking music GCSE)? Or does everything go from one house to the other (seems a huge hassle).

We didn't double up on uniform - no need because the switchover for us happens on school days but clothing, toiletries, laptop, hairdryer etc yes they have all their own belongings in each house. Clothing is fluid, depends on changeover days or if they want something specific for a specific occasion.

One of my DC plays an instrument but it's portable, and we've never doubled up on PE kits, or swimwear, big winter coats etc.

I've seen this when teaching and in my experience the older the teen gets the more he or she needs a base during the week because of homework and assignments, it's a lot of pressure as exam years loom up,and also they want to spend more time on hobbies and with their peers as they get older ,so it tends to get child led as they go up secondary school.

If possible I'd recommend you do 4 nights and your ex 3 - or vice versa. So you're in a routine for the same days each week.
That's what I requested for that reason.

It is tricky but gets a little easier.

I'd duplicate what you can afford to.