Narcissist h and ds

[Aspenlea999]

Hi all

Name changed for this one

Long story short: i have been unhappy for years with h, we have a young ds (under 5) and I have a dss (pre teen) with us full time at home.
It had begun to dawn on me that h is a covert narcissist and I have been on the receiving end of coercive control/abuse for years .
Treatment of dss by h (being violent) reported to social services - there is an ongoing investigation and I have been told that there may be a child protection plan put in place for both boys. I have safeguarding concerns also around h and dss. Also safeguarding concerns around dss treatment of ds when I am not around (hits ds when I’m not aroundand h says nothing )
We are still married and under the same roof though not on speaking terms. H has been violent towards me on occasion and manipulative of ds against me. Does not co-parent with me ar all.
H wanted to take ds and dss with him for 2 weeks to his country of origin (eu). Plan was for us to all go but he then decided to ask for ds’s passport which I would not give, as I don’t trust him to tell me what us happening or to provide a safe environment for ds in those 2 weeks without me.
H has now issued a specific issue order against me for return of ds passport and to have ds for 50% of his school hols.
I was all set to take my son to see his failli albeit not staying at h’s family home but he assaulted me a few days before and police strongly advised me not to go to a foreign country alone with ds if I didn’t feel safe (I don’t)
H is now emailing me and saying that he wants to take ds to see other family in the U.K. for the weekend. He has invited me along.
I feel that I am in a bind. If I don’t go, it will be reflective of me not allowing ds to see his paternel family. This is important given that I do not wish to stop ds from seeing his family but I don’t feel ds is safe alone with h and dss. If I go, at least I am around for ds (though I’d rather boil my head than be in h’s company for a weekend) and can insist on a separate room (we are in separate rooms at home anyway) though I am concerned that his abuse of mewill not be taken seriously?
Any advice please ? Thank you

Do not go with this man. He has assaulted you, he’s abusive and threatening you.

You’re not safe and neither is your child. You need to get some legal advice as well as some advice from your domestic violence advocacy group. This is not acceptable.

You don’t have to be nice to or travel with someone who has abused you.

I would advise you to get legal advice and contact police about the travel in addition to getting advice about the domestic violence.

@MarshmallowSwede
Thank you. The domestic violence services are woefully inadequate, I have lawyers on board whom I reached out to but they charge me a great deal for a phone call. I have an IDVA but she’s away and every time I call theY just say it’s a legal issue and that they can’t answer the question…
On the other hand, I am genuinely worried about appearing obstructive to the courts and Cafcass and not allowing ds to his family, which is the route h seems to be taking against me.

Unfortunately I don’t think the police will do anything. H was released on grounds of insufficient eveidencd after the assault and as a married couple, we have joint responsibility for ds with no orders in place

This seems an oversight on their part. If the worse were to happen and he assaults you during the travel then what?

So what in the worse case scenario If you don’t go would happen?

Can we bump this thread so maybe some others who would know better would be able to advise you?

I’m in Sweden so I can’t really give so much advice about what domestic violence support in the UK and who to reach out.

I personally don’t think you should go or send your son. How can they say he’s fine with your child when he abuses you? That makes no sense.

@MarshmallowSwede - thank you, I appreciate your comments

I really do not want to go or send my son with him, or even worse send my son with stepson (stepson lashes out at son and husband frequently ignores this).
The police will no doubt tell me not to go if o fear for my safety. There is nothing to stop h from just taking ds if he wants, we are still married and no court order in place atm
I have been warned by people that Cafcass and the family court in general take a dim view of parents are ‘withhold’ access of a child from a parent, especially as the abuse is not to tjr child. Here the abuse is towards me and there are safeguarding risks to the child.
I will ask social services tomorrow too.

If anyone has any advice or can signpost me to services that would be great

I do feel for you, this is awful.

Try here: - The Absolute Academy – Emma Heptonstall Divorce Coaching.

You do pay about £200 a month, but it sounds to me like that would be a bargain for the type of support you are going to require. I haven't tried them myself, but am divorcing a covert narcissist and was recommended them.

Also you may benefit from the book 'How to Divorce a Narcissist' by Diana Jordan.

I know, not an instant solution to your question, but this is going to be a long-term process and you need all the support you can get along the way.