Married for nearly 21 years, 3 kids now teenagers. I noticed my husband's raging outbursts gotten worse and sillier over the years. I thought age and maturity would improve him, but it hasn't, he's gotten worse. Then I noticed there's some kind of repeating cycle going on leading up to his outbursts.
These outbursts (sometimes violent) are normally packaged with a divorce threat over something dreadfully minor, such as; the way I make kids sandwiches, housework, hot cross buns, the cat, the seat in the cafe,car window and on me daring questioning him.
At first when the children were babies and young, his threats terrified me I was more vulnerable, more co-independant back then. Then the kids got a bit older, I started to get a bit more confident in challenging him back. I started to say "Go on divorce me then, I know I do it over your DIY!" Basically mirroring him hoping he sees his own behaviour towards me. It worked, this stunned him, he stopped for while. And, then he started to tell people such as my Dad that I am saying these threats making out he's all innocent and I am all horrible! I hadn't mentioned to anyone about his divorce threats to me! It's private business as far as I am concerned. Now the kids have become teenagers, he's now started saying to me "I will divorce you in 3 years time when our youngest gets 16." I say "Well, I am not sleeping with you then." So whenever he says this current latest trend of a 'future' divorce threat, I simply move myself into the lounge to sleep. He's furious, he stonewalls me lol.
I've noticed there's a cycle going on. First initial outburst, then stonewalling me till I break the stonewall, then he goes all nice, while I walk on eggshells. Then when things get 'normal', not too piled on 'nice'. I start to relax a bit, then suddenly I noticed he is getting too 'nice' again, starts deliberately taking over my jobs and chores. Then when there's a weakness spotted. Bang! He starts again! This is the cycle I noticed.
I started to noticed this is some kind of behaviour problem. I researched it and I came across the word 'narcissist'. This describes him to a 'T' Bad news isn't it? Everything fits, this means he isn't going to get better, he is going to get worse! His mother divorced his father when their youngest became 16. He is actually copying his mother and has put this proposal to me as well! He hasn't talked to his mother for 13 years, I understand his mother wasn't very mothering towards him, openly laughs telling everyone she put him on formula because he was a boy! This is probably the root cause of my husband's narcissism and I am left with the devastating baggage.
So I think I am heading for divorce after all in the end. Reading about narcissism disorder is awfully depressing omg
I am now denying the marriage bed which means no sex because I have respect for my body. This is the last boundary of me, he is trying to cross. He wants me to continue to have sex with him while I know he is going to divorce me in 3 years time upon our youngest's 16th. This is the current latest thrill for him.
Did you know? He gave away our wedding cake away to hotel staff to eat without asking me! Yeah, definitely narcissism.
I am stonewalling him this time, do nothing, respond to nothing is the advice I read on dealing with a narcissist, do not feed the troll. Kind of hoping once he realises he's lost his supply, he finally acts on his divorce and just go. I am not crying sobbing after him this time.