What would you do about housing

[NeedSleepNow]

Husband and I have been separated a year and are now looking to divorce. I have stayed in the family home but he is now keen to sell so that he can buy himself somewhere else.

We have 3 children who all live with me full time so I will need a house big enough for us all. At the moment there is £200k equity in the house, I'm hoping to be able to get a little more than 50% as he has better pension, able to get a good mortgage etc. where as I was a sahm for a long time so have not built up a good pension and my income potential is a lot lower than him.

I had hoped my family might be able to help me buy him out but as house prices keep spiralling the amount he would want keeps going up and up so this iron is looking less and less likely.

If we sell he will be ok and will be able to buy himself a 3 bed house as he can get a decent mortgage. I will struggle to buy, as prices are so high right now and I would still need help from family with additional deposit and help with securing a mortgage (I would need a family member to get a joint mortgage with me). I was thinking of shared ownership but very few properties near me come up, so I would then either need to relocate to a cheaper part of the country (I don't believe stbxh would allow me to move the children's school etc).

The other option is to rent. At they moment I get some help from universal credit which would stop once I had sold the house, so I would then be spending the money on rent (roughly £1500 per month where I am for a 3 bed house), day to day living, childcare etc (which I previously got some help with from universal credit) so I imagine the money from the house sale wouldn't ragout last that long.

I have spoken to work about increasing my hours (might be an option towards the end of the year) and am looking for another job.

Would you try to stay in the family home as long at possible maybe by trying to get a mesher oreder, relocate to somewhere else much cheaper and fight to move the children's school, rent for a few years until the money is all gone, buy a 2 bed house with help of family, or buy a 1 bed flat without help from family and with what little mortgage I can get.

Sorry for they long post, my head is all over the place at the moment and I just want to make sure my kids have a secure home but I'm not really sure how best to do that!

Equity is only part of the shared financial pot. His pension goes in there too. And all savings and investments.

50:50 is a starting point but if you have 100% custody of the dc then you are entitled to a lot more.

You need to add up what the shared pot come to and then decide if 60:40 or 70:30 etc is a fair split based on the needs of the dc.

You could take most of the equity in the house and he could retain his pension.

You need a solicitor to look at the figures.

Personally I’d be arguing for higher share of assets ( like 80% or something) either to enable a new house purchase
I personally dint think it’s right to up and move areas with the children as that impacts on their ability to have proper relationship / access to their dad
Do you work full time?
How old are the children?
Wgat wrs your ex earnings
Wgat us value of cms
If you were awarded say 80% is that enough to buy somewhere else with a mortgage you can get?
A mesher impacts his ability to raise mortgage - so if this was granted ever housing arrangements will he have
You say the children are with you 100%. Why is this and do they not stay with their dad?

These are all the types of things you need to understand in order to determine fair outcome

Could you look at potential to re- mortgage the current family house - release some of the equity for him and then stay put? That would save house selling fees and stamp duty for new place etc.

Agree that if he has large pension and you do not that you should be getting a larger % of the equity in the house.

Thanks for all the answers. I'll try to answer all your questions, sorry if I miss any!

His pension isn't likely to be massive but will be bigger than mine as he works full time whereas I have had a nearly 10 year career break after which I returned to work part time. We haven't done a full financial disclosure yet so that will be one of the next steps, although he has already told me his pension isn't worth looking at!

He will occasionally take the kids out for the odd Saturday afternoon but other than that he just wants to see them back at the family house so he still ends ups spending a lot of time here which is unsettling for the kids as they don't understand why he is here a lot but doesn't live with us. I find it really hard too as I feel like I can't ever relax in my own home (his moods are very unpredictable and I spent most of our marriage feeling like I was walking on egg shells not knowing what mood he would be in).

He is renting with a friend at the moment and says he doesn't have room to have them to stay or visit him there. He could take them to his parents and stay there some weekends (they have suggested this to him) but he doesn't want to. I hope once he has his own place they may stay every other weekend with him. Again this is something we need to work out and I want it formalised as if not I can imagine him still expecting to pop over and see the kids whenever he feels like it.

My gut feeling is that a 60:40 split would be reasonable. Even if I had an 80:20 split I would struggle to buy somewhete without family help as houses are so expensive here.

I would prefer not to have to move areas as the kids are all settled at school and I think it would be very unsettling for them and they are finally spending some time with their dad now (when he lived here he never spent any time with them. He just watched TV whilst I did everything with them). His relationship with our eldest isn't great (one of the many reasons we have separated) but has improved a bit recently.

He earns somewhere between 35 and 40k

He's paying cms based on an income of 32k (his wages have gone up since then but I'm. Not sure by how much) but tells everyone he pays for half of everything including the house. I've tried to point out he pays cms for the kids and I pay the mortgage and all household bills, food, school uniform etc but he will never see it that way.

I work part time and have spoken to my employer and I may be able to up my hours later in the year. I'm also looking for full time jobs.

I think the easiest option would be to stay in the house if I can somehow buy him out with help of family. To do this I would need to push for a higher split of the equity but I then still have the issue of the mortgage. I work part time and claim universal credit so most mortgage companies won't lend me anywhere near enough even though I am currently paying the mortgage and can afford it. I'm hoping a family member would be prepared to get a joint income sole proprietor mortgage with me so that I could borrow enough but they have some reservations about it.

Well ultimately

You need to work full time
He needs to have the kids at least eow and some holidays.

It’s understandable that in current situation that might not be possible re housing but ultimately he should have them more acv overnight

Meshers can cause problems down the line - if you become 100% responsible for all costs while he ratings his share - when the trigger is net in however many years, you’ll be older, the house most likely will have appreciated and you may well find that you are not in a position to then buy him out either resulting in sale of house and you needing large mortgage ( which might not be possible) courts generally prefer not to award these if there is any other viable option

@millymolls

Well ultimately

You need to work full time
He needs to have the kids at least eow and some holidays.

It’s understandable that in current situation that might not be possible re housing but ultimately he should have them more acv overnight

Meshers can cause problems down the line - if you become 100% responsible for all costs while he ratings his share - when the trigger is net in however many years, you’ll be older, the house most likely will have appreciated and you may well find that you are not in a position to then buy him out either resulting in sale of house and you needing large mortgage ( which might not be possible) courts generally prefer not to award these if there is any other viable option

I agree, from everything I've read about mesher orders it just pushes the problem further down the line. I would be upto 13 years older and would have to remortgage over a much shorter term then to try to buy him out and his equity would have increased etc.

I am looking for full time work now but with that comes the problems of increased childcare costs. This will eat in to a huge proportion of increased earnings as for 3 children before & after school care and holiday clubs costs a huge amount.

I know there's no easy answer, but I'm just trying to work through all of the options in my head right now and find the one that causes the least disruption to the children.

Right. Stop thinking about you. Take yourself right out of the equation.
Focus on your kids.
What is best for them right now?
What do they need? (School stability? Own home with dad? Etc etc)
And how might that change in 5 or 10 years time.
How do you both start again on an equal footing? So your kids have similar size homes. Do the maths based on what mortgage he can get on his salary and you on yours. Factor in childcare costs and selling/buying costs. What split of the house assets would achieve equal homes? Its a useful exercise.
How much has being a sahm affected your earnings. How good is his pension?
Can your family loan you money to give him as a deposit? He can get another mortgage and stay on this one. Can you jointly change this one to interest only for a few years to give you breathing space to up your income.

I’d say on his salary if he had to stay on the fmh one he’s unlikely to get another mortgage

Every situation is so different it's too hard to advise.

In my case we split the equity in the house 70/30 to me and I managed to buy him out. I Re-mortgaged and found a lender who was willing to count child maintenance and universal credit as income (not all lenders do) and used a very long term!
Dh got to keep all his pension. He signed over the family car to me, didn't take any furnishings from the house and we split our credit card debt by whose card it was.

I've now got a full time job and will remortgage next year as my income looks a lot healthier.

Is he paying you maintenance? A lot of lenders want a minimum of 3/6 months of bank statements so make them start looking good if not already.

You staying in the family home and buying him out would prob be the best option if possible. Speak to an independent mortgage advisor and see what/if there's anything they can suggest.

@PicaK

Right. Stop thinking about you. Take yourself right out of the equation. Focus on your kids. What is best for them right now? What do they need? (School stability? Own home with dad? Etc etc) And how might that change in 5 or 10 years time. How do you both start again on an equal footing? So your kids have similar size homes. Do the maths based on what mortgage he can get on his salary and you on yours. Factor in childcare costs and selling/buying costs. What split of the house assets would achieve equal homes? Its a useful exercise. How much has being a sahm affected your earnings. How good is his pension? Can your family loan you money to give him as a deposit? He can get another mortgage and stay on this one. Can you jointly change this one to interest only for a few years to give you breathing space to up your income.

Thanks for the reply, they are some really useful things to think about.

I think for the kids it would be much better for them to stay in the fmh if possible. My daughter is very anxious and finding things quite difficult at the moment, and I think the upheaval of a new home and potentially a new school would have a massive impact on her.

They certainly need their dad to have somewhere that they can go and stay. I don't think they would want to stay more than every other weekend with him (eldest has had a very strained relationship with him, it was awful the last few years and it is still very difficult now, my daughter is very anxious and won't leave me except to go to school and youngest although accepting of the situation asks me frequently to never leave him). If they aren't staying very often, he probably wouldn't need as many bedrooms?

5-10 years time I hope that they will all be happier to stay with him so what they need may well be different.

My earnings are a lot less now than before becoming a sahm. I now earn a fifth of what I did before and don't have much scope for progression up the career ladder in my current role. I was unable to go back to my previous field of work after such a long career break.

In terms of starting off on an equal footing, I'll have to do some investigation into what sort of mortgage he could get etc and try to work out what both of us would need.

@HelpINeeedSomebody

Every situation is so different it's too hard to advise.

In my case we split the equity in the house 70/30 to me and I managed to buy him out. I Re-mortgaged and found a lender who was willing to count child maintenance and universal credit as income (not all lenders do) and used a very long term!
Dh got to keep all his pension. He signed over the family car to me, didn't take any furnishings from the house and we split our credit card debt by whose card it was.

I've now got a full time job and will remortgage next year as my income looks a lot healthier.

Is he paying you maintenance? A lot of lenders want a minimum of 3/6 months of bank statements so make them start looking good if not already.

You staying in the family home and buying him out would prob be the best option if possible. Speak to an independent mortgage advisor and see what/if there's anything they can suggest.

Yes he's paying maintenance. He pays what the cms calculator says he should but we just have an informal arrangement and he transfers it to my account each month.

I spoke to a mortgage adviser and there was only one lender that might possibly consider lending me close to the amount of the current mortgage. I would then still need help from family to buy him out which would probably have been possible a few months ago but prices have gone up by a lot since then so it may not be possible now.

Even if he's not the best dad, it's likely ultimately still a bad outcome for the kids if they keep their home, but know that this means their dad having to live in a share house, or rarely see him at all.
I also do feel it's unfair for one person to be working part time, having had 10 years at home (unless of course you were forced into it, but it doesn't sound that way), and also get such a large share of assets. What would it take for you to be able to up your hours or retrain? It sounds like you've taken a massive paycut, are there returner schemes you could access?
Childcare in the school holidays would.be a lot, but you can also address this in your order, to ensure you share holidays - also, if he has a higher number of days with the children, he'll be responsible for more days of childcare (e.g. if he did every Wednesday night / Thursday day time and then fri-mon or fri-sun every other weekend), which would also allow you to work more easily.

Having been in a similar position, I appreciate it's really hard and not what you'd choose - it's easier said than done, but it can be better to try not to compare with what you have now, it's not actually a real option. Instead imagine that with your new budget, you've arrived in your wider area, what would you do? 2 bed flat with a triple bunk bed or you in the living room is not ideal, but might let you stay - or is there somewhere not too far where you could get more space? Is moving near to family likely to help? Moving schools isn't ideal, but if you might have to, then better you and your ex discuss it together and see if there's a joint solution for the kids' sake.

Good luck, it's hard but you'll all get through

Unfortunately there's no returner scheme and it would be very hard to get back into my old field of work as things have changed so much in the time I was off. I have spoken to my work about increasing my hours and I should be able to later in the year but not yet unfortunately so I am now looking for other jobs.

My ex certainly wouldn't need to live in a house share long term. He could afford to rent somewhere of his own now but prefers not to. If I managed to buy him out with help from family, even at a 60:40 split of equity he would still be able to buy a house although it would likely have one less bedroom so two of the children would have to share when they are with him.