Want to separate but I have concerns about his parenting

[Spearmintio]

DH lives for the children, but I have stayed with him because of his irresponsible parenting. He is diagnosed ADHD/ASD and does not see or plan for danger at all. He left our toddler playing in the driveway last weekend whilst he was inside putting a bag of shopping away. He thought it was fine as he'd left the door open, but he couldn't see her. She easily could have ran into the road, could have ran off or a car could have pulled up and taken her (unlikely but still).

He doesn't pick up on cues when they're poorly and I've come home before after a night away to a crying, sweaty child with a high temperature and an ear infection requiring antibiotics and rather than get them checked over has put a film on to 'calm her down' and it was obvious that she was ill to me. When I asked him what he thought the problem was he said "she was just hot and crying" he couldn't see that there would be a reason why.

Another time, he failed to call an ambulance when she had a hypo and wanted to "see if she wakes up." Luckily, I was there that time.

My youngest child has allergies and he'll not ask about allergens when taking them out for dinner without me and will assume foods are allergen friendly just because I buy the allergen friendly versions at home.

I'd be laughed at in court if I was to say my concerns around him caring for the children as he's a teacher!! The difference of course is that they are older children but I doubt the courts would see it that way. I am genuinely still with him to protect my children from his irresponsible behaviour which I believe is linked to his ASD and ADHD. Our youngest is 3. How long do I need to wait to leave him?! And it's not like he will move on and forget about them like other parents might as he adores them. I don't want to cut him out of their lives but I have serious concerns.
What do I do?

Just to add, our child had fallen unconscious during the hypo incident. It was absolutely terrifying.

Ear infections don't always need antibiotics though, even if there is a fever. He might well be able to argue that watching and waiting was a perfectly legitimate parenting decision.

What is the context behind the hypo? Is your child an insulin-controlled diabetic? Was your child a young baby with feeding issues? Symptomatic hypoglycaemia is rare in children beyond infancy - is there a serious underlying medical condition that you feel he doesn't know how to recognise or manage?

No ear infections do not always need antibiotics, you are right. They do however when they are particularly bad, as was in this case 🙄.

I don't see how the reason for the hypo is at all relevant to the point of my post? Yes, there was an underlying medical condition.

I wonder if you would be able to stipulate short visits only, no overnight until older? Keep a diary of all incidents which you perceive as endangering your children, try and get tangible evidence and then when it comes arranging contact you could push for visits occuring on saturday afternoons, for example. You could also be separated but remain in the same home - very difficult for you, but could be an option until the children are older are more able to advocate for themselves.

@Spearmintio

No ear infections do not always need antibiotics, you are right. They do however when they are particularly bad, as was in this case 🙄.

I don't see how the reason for the hypo is at all relevant to the point of my post? Yes, there was an underlying medical condition.

It's relevant because it's not clear from your OP whether your concerns are justified. If he is a genuine danger to your children and is genuinely neglectful then your divorce solicitor may be able to help you come up with proposals to mitigate the risks, and if it comes to court, a judge may support your position. But if he is parenting in a mainstream way and your differences of opinion are simply due to different parenting styles then there isn't much you can do. Worst case scenario, you risk coming across as abusive or controlling, if he frames your behaviour as parental alienation or claims you are trying to micromanage his contact time inappropriately.

Im not asking for approval on whether or not my concerns are justified @ohnowhatyougonnado because I've seen with my own eyes that they are, several times.

OP, you are not alone. I know a couple of women who are still with their partners because they can't leave the kids alone with them.

Not sure what the answer is but a 3 year old is very vulnerable. You need them to be old enough to look out for danger themselves (car/driveway stuff) and to be able to use a phone to phone you independently of him, and to be able to articulate what's wrong if they're not well. Somewhere around 9 or 10 really.

Op you’re getting defensive
The point is while you may see/know it you have to very clearly be able to differentiate between different parenting styles and actual
Risk/danger
Courts don’t just take your word - you’ll need evidence possibly backed up by third parties

What are you looking for? Because it’s quite difficult to get supervised only visitation and that’s not great for the children either . No contact ? Same as above point

Wgat is the outcome you actually want ?

I agree with think about your ideal scenario here. No contact? Five years in a contact centre? Contact always at your house with you in the next room? Daytime contact for max two hours at a time? Contact supervised by his family?

Honestly I think you try and wait it out. It depends on what the marriage is like and why you want a divorce.
He's fine, just lost the spark and cohabiting vs he's abusive, bullies me into sex and screams at the kids

There's no love left @sleepingstandingup and we live as housemates.

I agree with millymolls here.
What is the outcome you want? Because for better or worse I think you're right no court would take these incidents and prevent 'normal' contact arrangements. Tbh even if you had irrefutable proof such incidents wouldn't be ruled enough to cancel out the benefit of contact with two engaged and loving parents - they'd likely suggest a parenting course for him or medical guidance/training to help him with your daughters condition.
As he is clearly an engaged and loving father lack of contact would do more harm than good. Can you address these issues with him, is he open to constructive guidance or advice such as attending the above mentioned courses?

Ah ! I'm so sorry to hear your story, sending hugs. I have similar issue here. Plus husband depressed for years and I worry the effect on him when I finally say 'enough'. What he might do etc.
.I find myself on stop reading property websites and dreaming of a different life. Or coming up with new plans to fix him. Not sure how much longer I have the energy for...

Why all the criticism? OP, he sounds like a liability and potential danger to the kids! I imagine he’d get by if nothing untoward happened but more by luck than judgement. In reality, a fully functioning adult should be able to parent their children safely and appropriately without their partner having to triple check he’s thought to close the door or lock the shed or drive safely or whatever it may be. It must be thoroughly irritating having a young family and him acting like an extra child and there is nothing wrong with saying this is unacceptable, ASD or not. If you don’t want to live like this you can change things. See a good solicitor, diarise incidents and see where you get to. Just because he can’t see where he’s endangered your children (or chooses not to) doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Don’t let him gaslight you!

Op. Talk to social services. This is safeguarding and its life and death.

I just stayed til they were teens, and spent that time teaching them independence and life skills, so they are fine to look after themselves. You chose your partner, then chose to have several children, so the youngest being only 3 is one of your decisions.

@Spearmintio I don't know what the answer is but I just want to say I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH is obsessed with his kids apparently (3 yrs and 18 months) but also will give them quavers for breakfast to keep them quiet, will ignore them if he's feeling depressed or tired, doesn't do any night wakes, and the 3 year old has some serious tantrums/issues and DH just doesn't know how to handle it...he gets cross and frustrated just at the time when DS needs reassurance

But he will go for 5050 and I just accept leaving DC with him for all that time. Particularly when DH will be even more self pitying and self absorbed.

I just feel like I chose DH. I have to now make the best of it for the DC rather than leave them alone to deal with him 3 days a week while I chill at home with my feet up.

My DH is also a teacher by the way!

I honestly wish he would just leave us. But he won't ever do that. He is completely useless but he only ever wants to be at home with us. I wish he'd go have an affair or something. Instead I just feel I've got a third child in him..overgrown manchild.

I have read on threads like this before then you should keep written records of all the examples when he hasn't been safe with them. Courts like facts

I di t think any court will order that based on what we have read here.

The hypo incident I can't comment on without more background.

With the illness I have never taken mine to the doctors the first night they are ill, I always wait a couple of days to see if they can fight off themselves. So I think this is just a difference of opinion.

If you don't trust him then you will just have to stay with him until the kids are 10ish are more self sufficient and able to advocate for themselves.

You say you are like housemates and you can't leave so make peace with that and make sure your life is full in other ways. Meet up with friends and family as much as possible and enjoy yourself.