Hello all, I've posted before but not really made much headway - I am in such a state of confusion and I feel paralysed in terms of which way to turn and how to progress my way out of this situation.
So I married a man 17 years ago. He was raised in a very abusive home, lots of alcohol abusive, poverty, physical abuse (father to mother) he presented himself as somebody who wanted more for himself. He had moved away from his hometown, qualified in a trade, was extremely good at his job and made a good living. He was 32 when we meet, I was 24 - just finishing university.
We got together and married within two years - whilst I came from a loving & supportive home, I grew up on working class estates and like him had a drive to socially climb and do better for myself and provide for my family in more ways than my parents were able to - looking back, I think this was our "fit".
However, throughout our marriage he has never really been able to be emotionally connected, he's overly distant, hostile and resistant to 'family life'. For years I tried to explore this, address things but I've never been able to crack the nut so to speak. When challenged he would say he wants to be able to be 'close' he's sorry for how he behaves and wants more and will try! I have always given him the benefit of the doubt that he meant well underneath all the bullshit despite his often hostility and defensiveness and resistance, which often meant he was very critical of me and very awkward to live with - behaviours that just swim against the tide!!
Anyway, last summer I raised with him the distance between us and said that now kids are older (15 & 13) we had much more time on our hands, should address the issues and work on closing the gaps in our relationship. He basically responded saying he had no love for me, thats not his way, he doesn't do emotional connection and that was "not him".
To me, this ended the relationship. Of course it was the complete opposite of what he has said before and there was just no coming back.
Following this and an agreed separation - I suggested a co-parenting situation - we remain in family home for another 3-4 years and then sell up once kids finish GCSEs.
It was my thinking that now the pressure was off for him to be "emotionally connected" he would mellow and family life could be less strained and I suppose more natural - I thought it was best all round that kids stayed in their home, living with both parents, no financial stresses, you catch my drift. We agreed on what life would look like which was basically a family life; a coming together for key family events, a sharing of household responsibilities, a friendly, coparenting relationship. Of course this entailed separate bedrooms and an open and honest discussion with the kids about the status of our relationship but we agreed and whilst the kids were upset at the separation they accepted it and life continued.
However, his behaviour since has been everything & anything but what we agreed - he has completely segregated himself from family life - will not attend family functions, eats in his room, has become financially very petty and basically lives like a single man. He will do his bit in terms of kids drop off and collects etc but otherwise does nothing. Does his own washing, food shopping, cooking (eats out most days) and I do for me and kids.
Of course, when challenged he sees no issue with how he is living, does not agree that it is dysfunctional for kids. The atmosphere in the house is extremely lonely, divisive and just empty. Normal family behaviours are blurred (mealtimes, etc) and I feel just helpless.
I have discussed/insisted on separation but this is where I feel blocked and where I am looking for practical advise on how I can move forwards.
We own two homes but the rental property currently has tenants until October 23 so that can not be accessed or sold at the current time. Even if it could be accessed for one of us to live in, I have learned that there would be capital gains tax issues if either one of us lived in that property - this would be financially crippling - the CGT would be required to be paid on our two houses.
He will not leave the family home and rent elsewhere. He will not financially support me to rent elsewhere as he says I have to continue paying my way in the main home as he can't afford to pay all himself.
Having consulted solicitors, I understand the family home is likely to be required to be sold (heartbreaking) with equity to be split. We can't sell the rental for another 18months. If we sold the family home now I am likely to walk away with approx 380k - a lovely sum of money don't get me wrong, but where I live (or with 10 mile radius) is not enough for a 1bed flat. With my daughter so close to exams I think to relocate now would be awful for her and my son - moving away from all family and friends etc.
I have considered using my equity to pay off the rental house and renting else where using the income - however the rental prices are extortionate and unaffordable - he is also insisting on 50/50 split which means I will not receive any maintenance to top up my salary. I earn an average salary 35k per year - he has always been the main breadwinner, my hours are term time only so I pick up the house/childcare responsibilities etc.
I hate how I am living, I hate it for my kids but all the alternatives feel just as bleak!! Can you think of any other options to move forward? I is there anything else I can explore further to bring about a separation? Ideally I would live my kids to stay in their home but he won't facilitate this.
Any insight would be hugely appreciated. What a miserable existence this is!! 