Almost Divorced - Why do I Feel so bad?

[Mummykins54]

I am almost about to sign the divorce settlement.

Been married 25 years this year - in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. He was very moody however we did have good times too during our marriage. But then there was the times I was called horrible names. When we decided to split he remained in the family home but did not speak to me at all for 6 months.

All my friends say it is the right thing for me so why do I feel so bad?

Why do I think I want him back?

I have a women's aid worker who calls it "trauma bonding and grieving for the future life I could have had. Our mortgage would have been paid off this year and the kids are now both over 18.

Has anyone else experienced this?

TIA

Just saw this and was sorry you'd had no replies. I think it's quite common to grieve for the relationship you hoped you could have despite knowing the reality was different.
You probably don't want him back as he was but the optimist in you wants who you believed he could be, even against the evidence

I am going through something similar OP but much shorter marriage and much younger children.

We've had some great times but he's also spoken to me on several occasions so hatefully and never really takes it back.

I've always swept it under the carpet and then next time I piss him off the sulking, silent treatment and then outburst of how awful I am escalates.

I think it's all down to our perceptions of ourselves, feeling like failure for putting up with the shit or being the couple that got divorced. Neither of them good places to be and we have such low self esteem we go band and for the between the lesser of two evils.

They also know how to touch your weak spots if you are passive like me. Always threaten to cause a scene at a family event or decide not to go to one last minute leaving me begging him to come so I don't have to explain his absence, conveniently then having to lose my ground on how angry I am at his behaviour in order to fulfil my need to put on a good show in public.

I am at the start of divorce process now, I know it's the right thing but that doesn't mean it's not sad. I think this will go when we are free. Good luck OP xxx

I completely understand and same situation - emotional abusive marriage which I finally got out of but still feel sad sometimes despite knowing what a horribly bully he is.

Therapy is helping but there are days I still feel horribly sad and lonely.

It is normal I think - don't let that make you doubt yourself or the decision to leave, which is the right one! Good luck x

I feel the same too.
Married for 24 years.
We have been separated for the last four years, though he only moved out about six months ago.
We have been getting along amicably and I have no desire to rekindle the marriage however when he asked me a couple of weeks ago to set the divorce ball in motion and told me that he had a new girlfriend I was devastated.
Can’t really understand why but I am torturing myself with the idea of them together (and she is certain to be younger and more attractive than I am).
I guess I am jealous of the happiness he has found and depressed by the certainty that I will be on my own for the rest of my life (I am not far off 60 and don’t want a sexual relationship with anyone anymore).
I guess in time I will get over it but the thought of having to attend my children’s weddings and significant occasions with him and his partner makes me feel sick.