How to divorce a narc?

[whattoodo]

My marriage has come to the end of the road, nothing major has happened but the same issues keep recurring and have happened again.

Long story short, he's amazing and I'm horrible. When I try to share my side he shouts over me with why I'm wrong.

I realised during the most recent one after being ignored again for days that this would never change. It is pointless trying to get my side over. If it doesn't end I'll repress it all again we'll go back to normal but I can't give him the attention he wants. I just don't feel it, I have to fake it.
He is very nasty with words.
That's not good is it.

Married 5 years, 2 DC, I have savings and a pension. He has debt but does work. My income is higher and neither of us gave up work for childcare.

What would you do next?

Firstly I'm sorry.

Secondly, it's the same story. If you haven't done anything yet you need to consult legal advice for the next steps, rationale, initial proposals etc.

Thirdly, you may want to consider Relate if you think there's something salvageable, but it sounds like you've checked out of the relationship (with what you write), so it may be a hiding to nothing.

Good luck.

I’m in the middle of divorcing a narc and I can tell you it’s a long hard slog.
I got myself a solicitor from the word go. Mine is a liar, doesn’t want to give any money away and wants to win at all costs.
It’s costing me 1000s but there’s no way we could have gone to mediation as it would all have been about his needs and he’s a bully.
I’m reading ‘divorcing a narcissist’ the lure, the loss and the law. It’s excellent.
I’m sorry to say it’s about the worst thing I’ve had to cope with and he’s making me feel so cross every day with all his lies about me to everyone including his solicitor plus the fact he’s hiding money.
Good luck x

Took me 5 years. Steel yourself for a bumpy ride.

Thank you so much for responding.

I haven't even started it yet but I can already see his need to feel he's the one who leaves in a blaze of glory leading to the long bumpy road you all refer to.

Being unreasonable because it causes me issues, costs me money and makes it all painful will be things he will get off on.

He's done so many speeches about how much he hates me and how everything in his life is great apart from me, I drag it all down so surely divorce must be something he wants right and should make it as easy as possible?

I have booked an appointment with one for next week.
Just got to keep quiet and pretend I'm putting up with the silent treatment again like usual and it'll all go back to normal when he decides to be normal with me.

Well done for taking the first step OP.
There will be times when you wonder if you’ve done the right thing as he turns on the charm. But it doesn’t last long, they soon revert to their narc ways.
I’ve been separated for 10 months now and am only just beginning to feel I’ve done the right thing.
Just don’t respond when he tries to wind you up. Stay low or no contact.
I work with my exH so I have no choice but to see him nearly every day.
They like the drama so even though he says he wants a divorce he may drag things out, especially if he’s up against a good solicitor who won’t let him win!

I'm going through this. I recognised eventually, after many years of our marriage getting worse and worse that we were codependent, stagnant, abusive. My X always refused to work and had reduced my life (and me) to about 10%.

The battle about money was full on. We agreed a clean break but he constantly asks for money and of course went after me hard for CM. My X is a hero or a victim. I'm just always wrong. A nasty spiteful disgusting person that he needs to protect his kids from.

If you are married to someone like this (mine was a covert narcissist which are harder to spot) you forget who you are or what you think. You are told what to think. Mine used to tell me I needed to try harder to make him happy. I must not disagree or react or look at him in the wrong way. I must praise him and be grateful for him and stay quiet.

I stayed way too long. 20yrs. Getting out is the best thing ever. Yes he's the gift that keeps on giving as he tries to cause me suffering and punish me. But his power over me is waning because I'm taking it back.

Get a good lawyer. Don't even try mediation. Prob choose no fault divorce as mine is still whining about the watered down and canoes of his unreasonable behaviour.

Remember we all have two lives. The second begins when you realise you only have one.

Look forward to having a healthy relationship with a mature adult.

Go girl. 💪

Watered down examples - not canoes. You can't edit on here can you?

@CordeliaBrideshead

Watered down examples - not canoes. You can't edit on here can you?

Haha I was wondering about the canoes!!

Interesting what you say about covert, I need to read more about that.

The needling praise rings true here too. I do 90% of the house and kid work, work full time in a higher paying job but if I am not showering him with love and affection I get punished for it.

It's hard because he can be so lovely but the resentment is always there for me. When the nasty side comes out I just brush it under the carpet and it's fine for months again.

My Dad was like this, as was my ex. Some brief therapy has opened my eyes to why I end up in the same place and I just want to be single now and have some space from emotionally controlling men dominating my life. I've never been able to put in firm boundaries with anyone, that's my first task x

@whattoodo I was the same with no boundaries. I've since been attending CoDa UK meetings which is all about developing healthy relationships. Understanding what being codependent is. It's a total eye opener and game changer. Just like therapy or exercise you have to do the work but it's given me a total different perspective. And new tools.

I used to say my Ex was mostly awful but could be lovely. Then I actually thought about what being lovely was. Making me a cup of tea. Listening to me. Doing something that I wanted. Spending a bit of time with me. Not arguing with me or being abusive. My world had shrunk so much. I tiptoed around praising and apologising him. It was no life.

Yes, I have been in a 4 yr divorce from a narc. I don't want to worry you but it has been excruciating. The weird thing is I also remember he could be 'lovely'. Certainly he love bombed, so you find it hard to reconcile that they can also be awful. But if you truly think he is a narc, and the fact you're on here and describing him as so then you are more than likely correct, and the sooner you get to the point of they are awful and you need to get away. In terms of your own mental understanding, you will get to a point where you realise you can't figure them out in a normal way, their behaviour is contradictory and does not make sense. It is all about control at all costs. I would suggest reading HG Tudor, but also Sam Vaknin and Dr. Ramani on YouTube. In terms of divorce, the divorce industry is built on narcissistic divorces, it is ruthless and all about the money. So try and find recommendations. If I were to do it again, I would do all the initial form filing myself with the help of a very good McKenzie Friend ( I can recommend a few), and then get a very good public access barrister for the FDR hearing. You don't need a barrister for a first hearing. And hopefully you never need to get to a final hearing.

@KatieWL

Yes, I have been in a 4 yr divorce from a narc. I don't want to worry you but it has been excruciating. The weird thing is I also remember he could be 'lovely'. Certainly he love bombed, so you find it hard to reconcile that they can also be awful. But if you truly think he is a narc, and the fact you're on here and describing him as so then you are more than likely correct, and the sooner you get to the point of they are awful and you need to get away. In terms of your own mental understanding, you will get to a point where you realise you can't figure them out in a normal way, their behaviour is contradictory and does not make sense. It is all about control at all costs. I would suggest reading HG Tudor, but also Sam Vaknin and Dr. Ramani on YouTube. In terms of divorce, the divorce industry is built on narcissistic divorces, it is ruthless and all about the money. So try and find recommendations. If I were to do it again, I would do all the initial form filing myself with the help of a very good McKenzie Friend ( I can recommend a few), and then get a very good public access barrister for the FDR hearing. You don't need a barrister for a first hearing. And hopefully you never need to get to a final hearing.

Hi. Please recommend some McKenzie Friends. Thanks

[quote CordeliaBrideshead]@whattoodo I was the same with no boundaries. I've since been attending CoDa UK meetings which is all about developing healthy relationships. Understanding what being codependent is. It's a total eye opener and game changer. Just like therapy or exercise you have to do the work but it's given me a total different perspective. And new tools.

I used to say my Ex was mostly awful but could be lovely. Then I actually thought about what being lovely was. Making me a cup of tea. Listening to me. Doing something that I wanted. Spending a bit of time with me. Not arguing with me or being abusive. My world had shrunk so much. I tiptoed around praising and apologising him. It was no life.

[/quote]
@whattodo - I could have written that second paragraph. I went through the exact same thing. He would "throw me crumbs" of affection as my friends call it. Then when we argued I would end up apologising when in fact it wasn't my fault. I remember being scolded because I didn't thank him for buying a new washing machine!

He's been gone since June last year and sometimes I miss him - been together 27 years in total but then I remember the stone walling, the name calling, walking on egg shells. It will take time but I will get there.

Thanks for the CoDa UK info - didn't know they existed - have looked them up and there is a meeting near me so will give it a go.

I have worked with this McKenzie friend. She helped secure the consent order (which is the final document that signs off on the FDR agreement) as my solicitors were dragging it all out.
But I had been consulting with her all along the 3 years this has taken. I wish I had worked with her from the beginning as she is knowledgable and has a good grasp of what's possible.

[email protected]
She also has a Facebook group
www.facebook.com/groups/258967541771932

There are a lot of support groups on Facebook such as divorce self representing. Divorcing a narc etc.

I think my divorce has been particularly hard because my narc is excruciatingly out to win at ALL costs. He has no conscience whatsoever. Your husband may be nothing as bad as mine. But you may not find that out until you start proceedings.

You also might be lucky to get a really good lawyer with very good recommendations.

I can recommend a good lawyer
Darrell Webb

It's an absolute nightmare op. Im sorry.

Don't give him even the smallest hint until you have found and copied every single piece of financial paperwork/tax/property/credit card/payslip/p60/pension information you can find. Store it all in a safe secure place outside the home if you can.
Your marriage certificate and DC birth certificates too.
Be aware that he can empty any joint bank accounts.
Narcs will use whatever they can to undermine you so getting all of this in order asap is important.

yep mine took all the mortgage deeds, property particulars, marriage license, he even took my passport at one stage. and he's also taken my birth notes from my two boys. Nightmare.