Help, divorce terminology

[itscomplicatedlife]

I want to divorce,he's telling me to leave, I have refused as I don't know where I stand if I did and bedsides that I have abs nowhere to go or money as it's all in savings and tied up in the home. He says he doesn't want to waste money on a lawyer to seperate, he wants to do it between us and save money but I'm worried this isn't the right thing to do, I'm concerned if I don't use lawyers he'll try to take back assets down the line, I can't remember the thing it's called that we fill in legally that we both agree to that prevents this! He's so aggressive and argumentative, I need to get out of this relationship it has to end. I am married, joint names on deeds, married 8 yrs together 15, have a 2.5 yo. I work 3 days FT, he works FT very high earner. This is just awful

I've just had to deal with a 45 min tantrum as he was out, even my dad helping me on the phone, we decided to let her calm in her room, he came in she was still going and I was blamed for not managing it! Im useless and I said this is not helpful and I said I am fed up of the way he talks to me and he said leave! I thought this isn't normal this is awful why am I putting up with this. I wish I'd recorded the whole thing

Definitely get legal advice. You need to talk to a family solicitor to find out where you stand legally.

Get a good lawyer. Divorce is nasty.

Do I need a local one or are there any good ones you'd recommend online I can seek advice from do you know st all??

You’re looking for a clean break consent order

But you do need legal advice re the assets and how to split

@millymolls that's it! I've just found it on the cab, I've found via the cab a few very good family law solicitors also locally so I'll do a ring round a few and take it from there x x

@AmandaHoldensLips

Get a good lawyer. Divorce is nasty.

Really not helpful. Divorce does NOT have to be nasty . If people engage their ll find it is relatively easy and not that expensive- at the end of the day you can spend £1000s and months being nasty with each other and refusing to compromise, and Ned up in court with exactly the same outcome you could have agreed at little cost and within a few days, It is people being nasty and immature and blaming each other. Sure there are plenty of people who need to be blamed and lots of legitimate anger, but it is best parked during the divorce process and reserved for its full vengeance once the decree final is sealed.

@MayMorris Problem is, the husband is already "being nasty", which doesn't bode well. At the very least, the OP needs some amount of proper legal advice at the outset, even if she and her husband ultimately decide to sort it out between themselves (and save a shedload of money). Ideally, they both need this.

Ok, Op…you do not have to have a solicitor to start to sort this out. First of all you do not leave until you have a legal agreement over what you are going to do. He’s just being ignorant and silly
Secondly read up on process and how the courts will decide a “fair” settlement. There are roughly 10 criteria the courts will apply when deciding if a settlement is fair. You can go through those and decide what that means for you and stbex , and then sit down and agree.
Then you need to both sit down and use Form E and D81 to each make a full financial disclosure. You don’t need a solicitor to do that for you- but you both need to understand that this is a legal statement sent to the court and if you lie it is a legal offence.
Then yes, you can write out what you agree, then go to a solicitor and get that into a “draft consent order”. Solicitor will need form E and D81 to review as part of this. The other person can get a solicitor to at minimum run through the consent order and provide evidence that both parties have taken legal advice. This avoids doubts in court,
This can then be submitted by solicitor at Nisi and “sealed” at decree absolute. It will cost you about £100-1500 to get a solicitor to do just that. Do not divorce without at least a consent order.

If you can’t agree yourselves then you’ll need to go to mediation , and if you can’t agree then you’ll actually need to let court decide and have a hearing. This is where costs will mount up rapidly. Mediation will cost at least £200 per hour EACH for not just meetings but every second of prep work solicitor has to do, or every second you are on phone to them asking unnecessary questions or venting about your stbex.
You do NOT need a solicitor to submit or process your divorce. It is very simple. You go on line on Gov website and DIY. don’t waste your money on getting a solicitor to do it- it would take you about an hour. It cost around £550 for the divorce itself.
Obviously with kids you will likely need to use a solicitor for child arrangements.

Good sites to look up process and forms

1. Governmentcdivrce website where you make your application. You can just go in and view. It walks you through the process and you can see and print all the forms you will need (form E and D81 for instance)
2. Mediate site on process and how to get financial settlements of all types
3. Advice Now do a really good booklet on how to DIY your financial settlement, it helpfully list out the pieces in process you may want a solicitor r should have a solicitor. It also gives some links to solicitors who will do just the specific tasks you want.

[quote MakingShiteMemories]@MayMorris Problem is, the husband is already "being nasty", which doesn't bode well. At the very least, the OP needs some amount of proper legal advice at the outset, even if she and her husband ultimately decide to sort it out between themselves (and save a shedload of money). Ideally, they both need this.[/quote]
Yep, decisions just made. No one knows process or implications - fear of unknown and he is expressing that as fight not flight probably. And is just a piece of shit . Right now. But . It is not too late to deescalte now decision has been made. Making sure he understands the process by giving him docs I list above May focus his mind and make him engage his brain, it is vital that Op does not get dragged into reciprocal behaviour

£1000 to £1500 not £.100- sorry

Good advice from @MayMorris - even my solicitor advised me to file for divorce myself (i.e. independently of him), in order to save money!

I had to use a solicitor for a bit as XH was so unreasonable that it took solicitors' letters to galvanise him. He would also have hidden assets, as he was responsible for all our finances - I never paid a single bill or saw a single statement when we were married. But with a saner man, it could work.

@MayMorris I've just seen your posts here!! This is so helpful!! I had just replied to your reply on another post I made. So without the mediation it's going to cost about 2-2.5k. So basically print the divorced docs myself online and complete, then the other forms uou listed then we each consult a solicitor to confirm these as a consent order along with the divorce etc. Whatever the costs both sides the total
Is split out of the overal pot how we best agree. Re childcare again we have for now agreed how we would do this between us. Thank you and for helping people on here as it's a long complicated process totally alien to most when you have abs no idea on where to start!! X x x

Thanks.

Yep, you’ve got it- if you can do that. Up to you how you split court/legal costs. We just decided that irrespective of who paid what costs we’d split the total between us. Even though I petitioned and he was “at fault” and in theory would have to cover costs. It was just another little act I suggested to help reach amicable agreements

So much posted on his starts with “need to find myself a good solicitor”. Whereas it should be how do I find out about the process and how will courts would judge our assets to split so we can figure it out between us without having to go that far.
The difference is literally thousands of £.

Im not advocating not using solicitors where issues are complicated, or negotiation between you has failed - but to not even try in the first place, because in part people are led to believe it is difficult and they must use a solicitor, upsets me really. Hence I keep going onto this board to point this out , that it can be very easy, and where to get more info.

You must however use a solicitor for the few bits where you need a legal document drafted for courts to seal- such as The consent order and I assume child arrangements .

I feel like MN needs to put a simple guide at the top of this board so people read it first before posting, with sign posting to the sources of information.

@MayMorris

Yes I think that would be really helpful tbh!! You've simplified this so well it's much appreciated! So many don't have any idea where to start and just go to a solicitor as worry they need to I think. But it's good to know I just need their help to sort the consent order and I can do the rest ourselves. I read something in the news yest that something had changed re divorce it went a little over my head I'm not sure what that was but the general consensus I got was this change was welcomed and made it all easier but what exactly it was that changed I struggled to work out x x

The change in England is you can now have a no fault divorce and can make a joint application I believe
The theory being this takes away some of the combative nature of divorce by having to ‘blame’ one party and should lead to less overall stress in the process
Bu you still need to either agree split yourselves or go to court if you can’t

[quote itscomplicatedlife]@MayMorris

Yes I think that would be really helpful tbh!! You've simplified this so well it's much appreciated! So many don't have any idea where to start and just go to a solicitor as worry they need to I think. But it's good to know I just need their help to sort the consent order and I can do the rest ourselves. I read something in the news yest that something had changed re divorce it went a little over my head I'm not sure what that was but the general consensus I got was this change was welcomed and made it all easier but what exactly it was that changed I struggled to work out x x [/quote]
As milky says, but I’ve added more about this on my other response on other post😉
But exactly as milly says

Milky= milly
Sorry milly 💐