Unforeseen impact of divorce - losing a child

[CordeliaBrideshead]

I began the divorce process during lockdown after a long and unhappy marriage. My Ex had always refused to work (even when I had cancer I had to work) beyond doing a bit of invoicing in my business and saying he was the main carer. I'd always been based at home and our children could get to school independently.

As I was the only working party with assets I had to settle with him. The financial negations were costly but we reached an agreement and signed Heads of terms whilst pension sharing is sorted.

Our children are 15 and 17. Our son had a terrible relationship with his father who was abusive to him. So we knew he wouldn't live with him but our daughter (15) said she'd divide her time 50/50.

This hasn't happened. My ex has bought a house near her school whilst I'm stuck in rented in our old village further away whilst I try to find a new home. She last stayed with me for a few nights at end of January. He's got a new GF and she has a daughter the sane age. So she's been involved in going to see her etc.

Everyone sees my daughter more than me. I suggest things of course. I saw her for an hour in February for a coffee and she brought a friend. I had a pizza with her and her brother on Mother's Day.

I know she's happy and she's always got on with her father. Towards the end of our marriage he had total control of her. Watching tv together, going on dog walks, eating together. He used her to spy on me and they are a tight unit. He's bad mouthed me and sometimes his ugly opinions come out her mouth. I guess she blames me for the divorce and she's still so young.

I don't want to be bitter or needy or selfish. My ex has now made a CM claim against me so I've made a counter claim re our son. I've encouraged our son to spend a night a week with his father and I still update and involve him on our sons life. But it's a total one way street. My ex's GF probably knows more about my daughter than me.

This hurts me all day, every day. My daughters comms with me are like I am an acquaintance and not her mother. She does not want me to do anything for her beyond pay for things. Just like her father.

If she does come to me (because he is away) it's under duress and not enjoyable.

I could not have stayed married to that angry, controlling, abusive man a moment longer but this is really hitting me where it hurts. He's also taken our 14yr old dog and won't let me see him.

Our son can see what is going on and has tried to intervene about why she won't see me. He says she just runs away. Thinks she's immature but doesn't hate me. I think he's made it hard for her to enjoy me (because I am his anti Christ) but when we are together we have moments of old times.

Does anyone have any advice or hope for me? I'm terrified we will become estranged. I'm desperately trying to buy a house in the same town she is in, but lost out on one yesterday. 😩

Thank you.

Cordelia

@brunosaiditlookslikerain

You've got it spot on! Even when we lived together he closely monitored any interaction I had with her. Anything I bought her and if we ever spoke he listened in. I know he's used her to spy on me and has filled her head. But I can see she can see what he's doing a bit as well. Little comments when she's off guard. He's turning the heat up but I'm just going to pull back. She's a strong independent girl and I think is aware what he's doing but taking the easier path. I've had to battle to spend any time with my kids as he refused to work and wanted to be this Fulltime controller instead. My love is going to be unconditional. I'm not going to make my kids choose. I'm going to make it all about them and not put pressure on them. It's not going to happen overnight I realise. But as someone said, it's a big deal to totally cut off a latent and she won't do that. She's just keeping me at a distance because he is so disproving of me.

Parent not latent

Just stay available. Text her. Ring her once a day, just to ask, 'How's your day?' Or 'Do you want me to help you ...?'

Even if she's monosyllabic and the call lasts 30 seconds, just end it with, 'I love you. I'm here when you need me, just call.'

Offer to do things with her. If you can afford to, take her to have her hair cut or clothes shopping, or to a film she wants to see.

When you do spend time with her, casually mention good times you had together in the past. Not big reminiscences, just very subtly recall a time you both laughed together or you sat up all night when she had a fever etc. Not to guilt her, just to remind her you love her, always have and always will.

Just stay available. Text her. Ring her once a day, just to ask, 'How's your day?' Or 'Do you want me to help you ...?'

sorry but I really disagree with the later half of this sentence

yes stay available, text a couple of times a week and suggest calling if she wants to but calling every day is going to cause much more problems.

I'm not allowed to call her really. I stay in contact by text mainly unless she calls me which is rare. This is an established behaviour because my Ex would monitor and listen in on any comms between me and my children. Even when we lived together, I'd be talking to her and he'd suddenly burst into the room and start commenting on what I'd said. I guess I withdrew and allowed him to dominate.

Now I'm just giving her space. Respecting her current choices. Letting her know I'm still here and still love her.

A little job has come up at a pub near me that she'd wanted to work in. My Ex used to love the pub so he may allow it. So I've passed the details to her and made the introduction. If she dies it, she bay stay more or I can drive her back to her dads. That would be just magic for me.

I've just joined a local theatre and hope to act. She loves acting and I talked to a Director last night about her. My dream would be she got involved too as it's right on her doorstep.

She will be a woman soon. Independent. I know she can see some of what's going on and I have to just keep going.

But it's so hard.

Don’t beg for her attention, I matter how much you want it. Wait it out and let her come to you.

How to deal with the pain though?

I imagine it's like a bereavement.

Self compassion work books helped me deal with the pain. Xxx

@JoyLurking9to5

Self compassion work books helped me deal with the pain. Xxx

Thank you so much. I've joined something called CoDa which is helping me.

I've decided to try and get busy. I've just joined a walking group and am auditioning for a part in a play. I work from home so need to see more people!

My new mantra is acceptance and doing what is best for my children as No 1 priority.

This includes speaking about my Ex as of my children were listening. I need to be the nature one here with broader shoulders.

Forgiveness seems powerful. Moving away from blame and forgiving my daughter, my Ex and myself.

I have reflected and think she wants more independence and my Ex allows and supports this. She's just stayed alone in his house with a 15yr old friend for 2 days. I wouldn't have been happy but need to accept he called that one. Clearly I'm too over protective.

So I need to respect her choices including how she spends her time and live my own life, ready whenever she is.

Forgiveness is hard. Tell yourself that goal is on hold for a while. Make it a goal to get to a point where it doesnt matter any more. I found that more approachable!

This is incredibly difficult but as PPs have said you need to give her space but continue to indicate you are there for her. A couple of light touch texts per week max. I split from my DCs father when they were mid teens.

He and my eldest became very close and my relationship with her suffered. He died some years later and for a while my DD1 struggled and took it out on me (Wrong parent had apparently died). We’re several years down the line and things are better. Still some difficult areas, but she has recognised that I do love her, and that her father was a flawed human being, not a saint.

It may take longer than you want for things to improve but if you stay available and consistent - and maintain a normal relationship with your DS, hopefully she’ll come round.

One thing you might consider is to see if a channel of communication is possible with your Exs new DP. She may be amenable to keeping you up to date on key things, but tread carefully as your Ex is very controlling. I did this with my DDs step mum - and we are still in touch occasionally. It’s nice for my DDs when we do meet up at family gatherings.

The friend of your DD that has connected on Instagram - make sure you accept that too. It may be a safe way for your DD to contact you without her DF knowing or her friend could have concerns.

I saw her v briefly yesterday when her brother was dropped off.

We had a hug and she told me she might come to stay next week. She was smiling and made sure she said goodbye before she left.

Then she had to go as her father waiting in the car.

It was wonderful but I saw her less than 5 minutes in the Easter hols. She's been away for a week with him and will now want to catch up with friends.

I know it's not her.

cordelia I hope you are okay. I a, in a very similar boat with 16 yo DD and covert narc EXh. Even to the point where DS (14) has no contact with his dad.

DD has just spent 2 weeks with her DF over Easter, in a highly toxic narcissistic environment. It is a Mindfuck I know - I lived it for 15 years.

but neither of our DDs see that. My therapist says exactly what has been said on this thread - play the long game; she will realise eventually though it may not be until well into adulthood; concentrate on gently encouraging the relationship with her but no pressure; see and treat her with compassion - she is as much a victim of his mind games as I was.

so I have no useful advice to offer, but just to say that I completely understand the pain, and (selfishly) am very grateful to you for starting this thread as the advice on it is so helpful to me. I hope we can both come out the other side with our relationships intact. From your last update, it does sound like you are making really good progress.

@MakingProgress2022

cordelia I hope you are okay. I a, in a very similar boat with 16 yo DD and covert narc EXh. Even to the point where DS (14) has no contact with his dad.

DD has just spent 2 weeks with her DF over Easter, in a highly toxic narcissistic environment. It is a Mindfuck I know - I lived it for 15 years.

but neither of our DDs see that. My therapist says exactly what has been said on this thread - play the long game; she will realise eventually though it may not be until well into adulthood; concentrate on gently encouraging the relationship with her but no pressure; see and treat her with compassion - she is as much a victim of his mind games as I was.

so I have no useful advice to offer, but just to say that I completely understand the pain, and (selfishly) am very grateful to you for starting this thread as the advice on it is so helpful to me. I hope we can both come out the other side with our relationships intact. From your last update, it does sound like you are making really good progress.

Hugs to you lovely.

It's a tough gig but playing the long game is our only hope.

Mothers live u conditionally. Forever!

I heard that my XH let her stay in his house alone with a girl that is just 15. Her brother went to stay too with his 17 yr old friend.

Overnight.

When he wasn't there.

In fact he left the girls for 48hrs.

I was talking to mother of 17yr old boy this morning. Many concerns about giving young teens this level of freedom.

But I can't say anything or my son won't tell me what is going on.

The mother of the other 15yr old obviously agreed. Her mate is seeing my XH or I'd reach out.

I'm careful not to give him any opportunity to say how difficult or unreasonable I am. As he will use it against me with my DD and DS.

Jeez it's hard.

Meant to type

Mothers LOVE unconditionally. Forever.