I was married for 30 years. 10 years into our marriage he developed severe and enduring mental health issues. It took about 8 years to get diagnosed and for him to go onto medication. During those 8 years , and other times when he would not take medication I went to hell and back. Looking back his behaviour was outright abusive at time, although I still draw a distinction between him being intentionally abusive vs his behaviour being abusive- to me there is a difference. I knew he was ill, , he knew he was ill, we were asking for help but didn’t get it.
Because of that, the fact I knew he was ill and that he wanted help I stayed and tried by very best to support him. I was sole breadwinner for last 15 years, practically a single parent, a 24/7 carer and effectively his CPN nurse. His executive thinking skills were also impacted by his illness, so I also had to do a lot emotional labour to try to get him to actually live a life.
The key thing to know here is that being a carer to that extent will kill off that sexual and intimate relationship. There are studies out there that might suggest this is a biological response possibly due to pheromones or more probably due to the switch of the “child-parent” dynamic in your relationship- read up on that as it may help you understand why you are not in love, and why he confusing loving you with needing you for support and sex. That isn’t uncommon. You can stay in a marriage if you know that, accept it, and that mutual respect is there. And you are safe. And your own mental health can carry the burden. But, if those things are not possible then unfortunately you have little future in trying to save your marriage.
I had 2 bouts of depression as a result of what I went through - the statistics state that 1 in 2 people caring for adults with severe and enduring mental illness will get mental illness themselves. Also, the statistics show that most relationships break down with severe and enduring mental illness within 10 years. knew that. Still I stayed
2 years ago I could no longer carry on. After 30 plus years of marriage I was broken. I am still broken hearted that I had to divorce as he remains my soul mate and best friend I’ll ever have. But ultimately I knew I could no longer live safely with him in same house. He had decided to stop medication (which is his right) and his behaviour was deteriorating again. He knew I would ask to end the marriage if he no longer agreed to comply with his care plan. Deep down I think he wanted to divorce but couldn’t say it to me. So I said it.
It took me a long time to get to that point. I had to move to a point in my mind where I could imagine my life without him and not being married. I had to figure out the practical things like where I would live, financial practicalities, how I would live on my own etc. once I got to that point I knew I had to just come out and say it. It helped talking through my rationale with a close friend who had no stake in the matter
After that I just told him. I didn’t put any blame on him. Tired to stay really calm and explained that I could no longer stay in same life as him day to day because he had made a choice that meant it was no longer healthy for either of us That staying together would mean an increasingly painful and toxic environment for both of us
In the end the divorce was very amicable and straight forward and quick on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He did not contest as he knew it was really his decision to end marriage by not taking meds
I miss my friend. We still talk occasionally (mainly about our adult sons) and he knows I would listen if he needed and asked for help. But we both know that it is better for us to be apart.