Relocation

[X6hfyib4ms]

I am long-term seperated but only just going through a divorce, with children arrangements and finances still undecided. Children are young, one a toddler, one 8 years old.

Ex and I both have new partners. I currently do not live with my partner who lives and works a 2 hour drive away.

Unexpectedly I have just found out I am pregnant, which we are both pleased about but puts an added complication on my divorce situation.

Unfortunately my partner cannot relocate as the job he does is very specific to the area he lives in and there are not equivalent positions nearer where I live.

So I myself and the kids would have to relocate to where my partner is to make this work with the new baby. It wouldn't make sense to live half way between his location and my current location for various reasons, including he is in the catchment of a very good school and in a cheaper area as well as being near an area where I could find work.

My question is what would a court's ruling likely be in terms of what would be expected of the kids, as 4 hours of travelling every other weekend seems to be a very tiring plan for the kids, not to mention the parents but obviously that is secondary to the children's needs.

I don't want judgement from people about the situation (there is a back story with the children's dad but it's outing and not relevant to my question), I just some info from other people's experiences when they have relocated quite a long way away, about what courts expect children to have to put up with in terms of travel.

What is your plan to maintain contact and relationship with their dad? What access arrangements are in place today
These will be important factors

You need to imagine yourself doing all the journeys and taking all the dc with you..

Talk to your ex but ultimately without his approval I can't see the court allowing it

My EXP's ex moved 3 hours away, (she'd moved a lot with child and was already 1hr away before moving 3hrs away, she's since returned back to previous area of 1hr away) they had court order for him to have contact of 3 weekends out of 4 due to distance so they met half way at the services for pick up and drop off. Courts ordered it was in best interest of child to keep relationship with father so yes it was tiring travelling for 3 hours, twice a weekend, 3 out of 4 weekends but at least father still got to keep existing contact with child.

So (let me get this straight)….. You are going to move your 2 kids a 4 hour round trip away from their dad so you can move in with a man you don’t currently live with but are pregnant to.

What are you going to do to maintain contact and the relationship with their dad?

IMO as you decided to move - you should do all the drop offs & pick ups.

Thank you for those who gave the non judgemental replies.... I am over 40 and was using contraception so this was not a situation I expected to find myself in, but for religious reasons I cannot terminate this pregnancy so I have to now find a workable solution.

Whilst the children's contact with their dad is important, so is giving them a stable, happy, financially solvent future where they live in a nice home and go to good schools, which my partner is willing to provide, and my ex wasn't.

I would definitely be fine with doing the journey there and back once a month and he could do the other (currently arrangement is EOW plus ad hoc time during the week but no overnights). Also happy to be generous with time during school hols.

I'm sure you will be happy but will your children? How will you cope with late pregnancy a new born baby a rowdy toddler or will your partner be taking over?

Have you spoken to your children about this?

The most likely solution, if you are allowed to move, is that either you will be doing all the travelling. The alternative is your dcs dad takes out a specific issues order to prevent you moving 2+ hours away from their current area and ties.

Why didn't you provide them with "a stable, happy, financially solvent future where they live in a nice home and go to good schools". Why is it your partner or your ex's job to do that but not yours? You are just as much a parent as your ex so if he failed the kids then so did you.

If their dad has more than EOW now, then he may not be in agreement with you reducing his contact because your priority is your new partner and being with him.

This is a tale as old as time, woman gets new boyfriend and boyfriend takes priority. Courts don't generally just allow moms to move away for a new boyfriend when dad has regular contact without a clear plan in place to maintain that contact. Likely you would do all the driving as it is your choice to uproot the kids. Kids needing to commute long distances to see a parent isn't ideal at all and definitely not based on prioritizing their needs. This is a pretty new boyfriend you are moving for given you have a toddler with your ex - and you have no idea if this will last at all. You are making big decisions for someone who hasn;t been in the picture long, isn't committed, hasn't been willing to make any changes for you, and has never lived with you or your kids. You are putting your kids through a massive amount of change - moving to a new city, moving in with a new boyfriend, being far from their dad, a new house, a new school, a new baby in the house....

Any chance dad would want primary custody and you could move away with partner and baby and you do the drive to visit when you want to see them?

The pregnancy situation is recent and I am just getting my head around it myself. I have not told my children about it yet and think it is not right to speak to my children about a potential relocation until I'm further down the line with it.

My priority isn't 'being with my partner' it is trying to balance the interests of my children and my new baby, who will be without their father if I don't move.

I don't want to go into the back story of my ex as it is outing but I gave up work to raise the kids whilst my ex is a high earner (which might make all this my fault in the world of Mumsnet but in real life plenty of women still do it when their spouse earns enough for them to not work). Since the split he has not provided for his children, has hidden his assets and how much he really earns.

Hence I don't feel particularly inclined to prioritise his being close to the children over them having a more financially stable life elsewhere.

I'm not sure why the OP is getting so slated when we don't know the details of her past relationship or her ex.

OP, my ex (kids father) decided to move away just before court proceedings. He moved 1hr20mins away. Not a word was said in court to him. Not one word of criticism. He has EOW arrangements and half of holidays, except the summer one where he has them for 2 weeks as couldn't possibly have 3 weeks off work.

He picks up and I collect. That's how it normally goes with the receiving parent doing the collecting.

If you moved before court proceedings I doubt they could have any say.

What contact do they have today. That’s important and something you’ve not mentioned

The other very important thing to look at which gets ignored and shouldn’t is what about when the kids want to do clubs and sports that are on weekends? They don’t want to Miss every other week, or clubs won’t accept them if they do, and it means they can’t do them because they’re dragged around the country visiting parents who moved away from each other !

You only talk about money re your ex- which j get is galling - but what contact and relationship today does he have with them??

How long have you been with your partner as your youngest is a toddler? You’re expecting him to support you and 3 children when he hasn’t even lived with you before, you’re making yourself and all of them very vulnerable.

My children's father moved away and the travelling was very hard on the kids. It is strange that the RP doesn't get to use the court system when the reverse happens.

In my case my ex does all the driving which I think is more than fair. My son started going when he was 5 but 10 years later, he has started to find the travelling fine. He snoozes, goes on his phone, chats... and says it's a chilled experience. Back when he was in primary he'd get out of the car looking car sick and I felt very sorry for him. He's gone to his dad's EOW for a decade apart from the early days of the pandemic when he didn't go for 6 weeks (maybe it was 8?)

I think that if you move that far then you need to do the travelling and rethink terminology like being generous with school holidays - it's not up to you how much the kids have a right to see their dad. You also need to admit that you'd be moving primarily for you and your partner.

You've gone from a bad marriage with at least a possibly financially abusive man hiding his assets etc, to a new relationship with a man who has got your pregnant and wants you to relocate away from where you currently live incredibly fast. It has to have been fast as you have a toddler.

There are more issues than contact and who does the driving here.

Do you still not work?

@X6hfyib4ms

Thank you for those who gave the non judgemental replies.... I am over 40 and was using contraception so this was not a situation I expected to find myself in, but for religious reasons I cannot terminate this pregnancy so I have to now find a workable solution.

Whilst the children's contact with their dad is important, so is giving them a stable, happy, financially solvent future where they live in a nice home and go to good schools, which my partner is willing to provide, and my ex wasn't.

I would definitely be fine with doing the journey there and back once a month and he could do the other (currently arrangement is EOW plus ad hoc time during the week but no overnights). Also happy to be generous with time during school hols.

Sorry but you are not prioritising your current children. You are prioritising yourself and your new family. To your question, the father can oppose the move with a prohibited step order application to the court.

To answer the question, he currently sees them EOW with sporadic mid week contact.

Relationship with partner just over a year (my ex walked out on us when dc2 was a very young baby, so I don't feel it is that fast).

I don't work as cost of childcare doesn't make it worth it unfortunately but when I get the subsidised hours at 3 years old it should be more doable.

To those who say I am just prioritising myself and the new partner. Not sure what they'd have be do as I can't split myself in to two places. Where the kids and me are is worse in every way other than their dad (who created this situation) lives here.

Life sometimes isn't perfect and we have to play the cards we're dealt.

*have me do

**Hence I don't feel particularly inclined to prioritise his being close to the children over them having a more financially stable life elsewhere.

So, you're rationale for moving your children hours away into a house with a man they barely know is because you want to punish the father of your children for no longer being willing to subsidise your non working lifestyle?

Yeah good luck in court 😂

Oh yes, silly me for expecting my ex husband to provide for his children...

Thanks to everyone who answered my original question, I've received a few helpful responses.

But I won't return to this thread, as there's too many people who are just here to criticise my situation. I was hoping for a bit more of a kindred spirit given that this is the divorce section not aibu so I assume everyone on this board is going through a tough time. Just feeling a bit too tired / sick / emotional for some of the responses I'm getting.

Your being really sensitive about this

Yes your ex can stop you

If he isn't paying you go to child maintenance takes awhile but gets there eventually

You need to talk to your children because no matter how much you hate your ex they might actually love him and be devastated by moving away

Have your children even met your partner and developed a relationship with him

Are you leaving yourself financially vulnerable by moving to him will you have secure housing employment opportunities are the schools oversubscribed these are all questions that you need to be able to answer to yourself

You are entitled to move with your life but your kids are entitled to a good relationship with their dad.

Unfortunately that means that it's going to be a lot more work for you. You owe your kids to enable acceptable contact with their dad and that means a minimum of eow and half holidays and you doing the travelling unless your ex decides to be very kind and do half, but considering he is losing out on contact in week, I wouldn't count on it.

This is going to be very tough, but that's the price of having a better life with your OH and your baby being with their dad every day.

You sound bitter about your ex. Perhaps understandably but as someone upthread said, if he’s not paying maintenance contact cms. It’s both your jobs to provide financially fir your children.
Use your solicitor to ensure a fair divorce settlement is reached.

You shouldn’t be thinking about uprooting them and taking them away from their dad for a man you’ve barely been with. Slow down.

And yes he may try to prevent you taking them, of course whether or not he’s be successful no one here knows but it’s possible. And even if you’re successful you’ll likely be the one eco eyed to do drop off and collections and bare the. Cost of that eow