Is it really best to stay married (from a financial POV)

[Onlyrainbows]

Disclaimer that there's no real relationship breakdown but I've contacted a few solicitors and they all gave me completely different advice.

I earn 3x what my husband does and the deposit for the house was mine. We've always agreed between us that if we ever separate, he'd keep 50% of the equity but I keep the deposit. One lawyer said that was fine as long as we didn't take it court, another said it was doable with post-nup, and a third one said I might as well stay married because it wouldn't end well for me.

It turns out I needed to speak to an insolvency solicitor, but given what my DHs debts are, I actually never had anything to worry about.

The basis for the advice given by the 3 solicitors is the same. The deposit was yours but became a marital asset when you married.

There are different ways to protect it. Which will vary depending on your circumstances, your attitudes and your husband’s attitude. They are options.

What does keep the deposit even mean? Would be it £x the cash amount you put in, or £% the percentage of the value that you put in. People could differ on which it should be ...

If husband's debts are large, then creditors may also take a view on what share of the equity 'belongs' to the husband.

Plus if you are earning megabucks, could be a case for ongoing support ('spousal maintenance') to him.

Debts are tiny! And I'd only loom the deposit in terms of the real ££ it was at the time, and I'm aware I'd have to chip in to get him "nicer accommodation" for him and all the children.

Hi @Onlyrainbows - I'm in exactly the same position only my husband has filed for the divorce without agreeing to the post nup. Did anything progress for you?

I tried to get my marriage to work. Which more or less does (although there are days I question the whole thing).

The deposit is a marital asset as you didn't protect it at the time. However in my divorce, my ex-h and I came to a reasonable agreement and the judge signed off on it. The splitting of assets needs to be fair but it's not prescribed.

As you make more, make sure you get a clean break order so it's a full and final settlement and he can't come back for more later.

Also get a good lawyer to advise you. It's worth its weight in gold. Mine did the paperwork, reviewed our agreement and stayed in the background while I represented myself. This kept it non-confrontational and cheaper.

I’m going through this now and it’s quite complicated. Even if you have a prenup/postnup the ‘needs’ argument trumps all, especially if you have children. The length of marriage matters, too. Ie he will get what he needs to house himself and the kids. I put in the entire deposit on our family home when my husband had nothing and he’s walking away with half of everything. There’s no point contesting it because he needs the money. If there is excess money over and above what each of you needs, then you begin the discussion about what you get to keep.

i wouldn’t bank on him sticking to his word and not coming after every penny! My soon to be ex has turned so toxic and greedy, a side to him I never imagined he had!

It's so not worth being married if you're the higher earner. Our kids are 26 and 17, so the younger one would stay with me through uni but that's it. We're in london so despite me being a very high earner, I wouldn't be able to buy another property on my own. We've just moved so the equity is not huge and the mortgage and house is in my name because of his debts. Do you have any recommendations for a good lawyer?

Here's my financial advice if you actually want to divorce. Most of the time, for the stronger financial party, the sooner you do it, the cheaper it will be and if the relationship is dead you never know if they're going to fire first. Gone are the days when the weaker financial party can sponge off you for years (or even for life) but they can still walk away with more of the assets than you. The only time you might choose to wait is if your children are nearly 18 when your spouse's needs will drop dramatically.

In my case, the income difference was similar to yours but my ex-wife was only in her late 30s and had plenty of time to build a career with a decent earning capacity. If I'd left it until the children were 18 she could have made up some nonsense about being denied a career to stay at home with the children and being too old to start a career now (in the 21st century, this is almost always hogwash. Most middle class families have two adults who work in professional careers these days).

Also, whilst the income difference would mean I would probably still earn twice what she could (because I'm in a more lucrative field) and would still have to accept an asset split in her favour, doing that asset split now means I still get to keep 100% of everything I make over the next 10 years. If I waited to divorce her, she'd probably have got at least 50% of that too.

In the end, you will always be treated unfairly as the higher earner if you made the mistake of marrying a low potential loser like I did because the courts will always ensure their needs are met and the more useless they are at meeting their own needs the more they'll take from you. However, the sooner you end it with divorce, the sooner their sponging will stop.

Really agree with the above. If you have been the ‘sensible one’ and saved and paid into pension this makes no difference in the eyes of the settlement and you have to give half of everything to an ex who has spent the last 15 years spending on drugs and alcohol and didn’t believe in saving. Am still struggling to see why the law does not protect someone in my position but I am trying to see it as protecting my future assets so I can try to recoup before I reach pensionable age. And not spent my retirement propping up his bad habits!
before we started divorce process my ex was all for keeping it amicable and not sharing pensions. However he has turned and is now after sizeable amount . If ever I was in any doubt I am doing the right thing it is seeing him do this to me and the children. My advice is to Don’t believe any initial agreements!