Post divorce relationship - Finding it hard to trust

[Jne1]

My Ex left me in Sept 2020, and shacked up with another woman in the Oct. Who knows if it had been going on before, I suspect so, but best worst case, maybe he’s a fast mover.
It’s been a hideous divorce, under the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. I’m receiving support from WA having experienced financial coercion, controlling behaviour of me, blackmail (re the children), verbal and email abuse towards myself and emotional aggression toward the children. He doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviours.
I have the children 75% of the time - he’d like more, to reduce his CMS payment - changing arrangements are not in the best interests of the children.
He is clearly an angry man and maybe has discovered the grass isn’t greener.

I on the overhand have started to date. I’ve met a lovely understanding man. A bit different to me, but a great communicator, caring and loving. Our children really get on (considering their ages, (14, 14 and 12) I’m counting my blessings). I’m in the process of buying my own home once the FMH sells. The new man and I have been discussing that in time that he and his daughter could move in - though this is months and months away as I don’t want to rush and I want my daughters and I to find our feet in our new home.

I feel like I’m scared though. Scared is probably the wrong word. Nervous about being hurt again, about letting someone in my life and that if my children that could live in my space. It’s been horrendous getting my Ex to understand that just because he owns half the house, it doesn’t make it acceptable to walk in when he wants. It’s like an invasion of privacy. I say the Ex owned half the house - he benefited from my being on the property ladder when we first met. (Note to myself to not let that happen again!).
Financial vulnerability is also something else I worry about. I am lucky to be able to do this financially ‘on my own’ but I don’t want to go through what I’ve been through with the divorce again.

Who else has been / is going through this? How do you manage not to shut down or push new relationships away? I know the advice will be to not rush and to take things slowly. We are taking things slowly - it took 6 months to meet my children and longer for him to stay the night they are here.
Would be interested to know others’ views….

My objective opinion on this is that you need to address one thing at a time.

Finalise your divorce and sort out a new home for you and your children. Get them settled and in a routine. They are old enough to decide when they see their father and you both probably need to respect their decision and facilitate it.

It’s ok to have met someone and to be dating. Just carry on as you are. When you come to a place where you think it’s right to live together remember it is not just you living together. This might not work for the children. You may not want to be financially bound together either. A lot of people decide they don’t want this second time around.

Basically you and your children need to become a new family unit in your own right. Then think about whether it needs to be changed again. If not, then keep your relationship separate from day to day family life. Lots of people do it for a period at least.

Thank you @LemonTT, I appreciate your view. And I think you’re right. One thing at a time. X

Just remember being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t have a life. But you get to decide the form that’s bests suits you as single parent. That can change as things settle.

Enjoy what you have.