Over and I can't accept it

[journeytobeingadad]

Last Sunday my wife told me that she wants us to split up. I am taking a break away at my parents to give space after a difficult week. And stay away for nearly 2 weeks.
I don't want it to be over but nothing I say makes any difference.we didn't shout or anything just sat calmly cried a lot and she can't go on.
I have tge love and support of friends and family but she no longer loves me.
It's broken me.

I can't offer much in the way of advice as it's still early days for me too but I didn't want to read and run! The few things I would say is be kind to yourself It is an emotional roller coaster and nothing can prepare you for it

Have you spoken about the reasons why? Silly question but having been there myself I think it’s important to know why the relationship has broken down. Would she consider marriage counselling?

Hiya. She might counselling but seems unlikely. Reasons why are that we unlikely to have children naturally she won't do ivf so we got approved for adoption in Nov 2020. Then moved house from 21 and I had a very bad mental breakdown with work house move straining our relationship.
I have had depression on and off for many years.
In October 21 they said we would need to work on things and needed to be reapplied for approval with the adoption. Anyway it is all on hold and unlikely to go anywhere without counselling and demonstration that we and me have got help mainly me.
But due it being remote and she is generally fed up of me and blames me for everything inc robbing her of the chance to have a family.
She says she has wasted all her time with me there is no longer any point.

We are both 39.
I have said I will change thus the wake up call u need and will do anything to stay. Counselling for me. Healthy diet to try naturally. Communication better etc.
She seems to be decided. I want to try

Totally understand it’s all a lot to take in as it’s so new. Give yourself some time.

Once someone has decided it’s often too late to offer change. I know as I am the person initiating. Sadly.

Living with someone who has depression is very tough. Especially if that has potentially caused you weren’t approved as adoptive parents.

If you really love her and want her back. Listen to her and start changing.

A divorce process is lengthy and you will have to see each other a lot. If she sees you are really working on yourself she may be open to reconsidering at some point.

Unlikely but It has happened!

Looks like we will be going ahead with the trial separation for 4 months.
It seems probable that she won't change her mind but what can I do to show her I am worth taking back?
What would you do in the 4 months?

How long has she been telling you that she's unhappy? Sometimes it's too little, too late. If she wants out you need to let her go.

These are major issues. Having children can be the make or break of many marriages, if her possibility for children is receding and your depression has been getting worse it seems that she may have got to a point where it's not the life she wants. I would definitely try to have marriage counseling if you haven't already, to at least sincerely look at everything together. It sounds like a fundamental for her fulfillment is unlikely to happen in the current situation. She may feel like she is running out of time (understandably). It's not your fault you are ill but also her desire for a child is a non-negotiable too. This is a very difficult situation and I feel for you. Noone is in the wrong here its just very difficult circumstances.

It sounds like she is sure about what she wants and she does have valid reasons. I would start divorce proceedings as soon as you can. Split everything and let her go. She may change her mind when faced with reality but hanging around waiting for her is not going to work out well for you.

Anyway it is all on hold and unlikely to go anywhere without counselling and demonstration that we and me have got help mainly me.

Why have you not gotten help, especially when you know how important having children is to your wife?

I have anxiety and depression and take medication for it. I also see a therapist.

I know that I'm not the easiest person to live with. My husband is a Saint to stay with me. I don't know of another man who would.
I have read every self help available to improve. So I would tell you to work on yourself.
Be the Best that YOU can be for YOU...not for her.
My whole attitude has changed. I am a better, happier person than I was say 5 years ago.

I personally wouldn't tae the 4 months to wallow in pity and HOPE that I'm good enough for her now.

She wants a permanent separation from you and I believe she is saying temporary because she doesn't want to hurt you...she's already moved on in her mind.

I agree with @WallaceinAnderland start divorce proceedings ASAP. She will continue to blame you for not having children. It will NOT get better.

You deserve a better life. Join a support group, read positive blogs, books...listen to free podcasts. You tube is full of very helpful information.

You are in a rut.."the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions." You have to want to work at this. Good Luck to you OP. and I'm sorry. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. You won't see it for awhile though.

I will move heaven and earth to get myself better emotionally. And also to eat right or take supplements to improve my sperm. I am willing to sit down and work through any other relationship issues.
Wish it had not got to this point. If I had of known this would happen and the pain and upset I would have never let things get like this.
Last year wheni had a breakdown she said she would not leave and we would get through it.

I wish I had seen this coming. If knew the hurt and upset I would have avoid it.
I will do anything to make things right. But that seems Impossible

I'm sorry, op, but I am sure your new promises ring very, very hollow to her. She is already gone, and she just can't do this anymore. Let her go with dignity.

I have found a place to rent. I am travelling to my parents to stay with them for a bit.
Hopefully the credit checks go through OK with the rental.
Packing up to travelling this morning. I spoke to her a big this morning. Seems its nit just the infertility but my dithering and depression.
She says due cannot be around me if there is another breakdown in my mental health in the future.

Let her go.
Move forward in your new life.

You have to be the change she wanted to see .. Go to the gym, smarten your self up . Sort your depression out . Do the things you never did and be the man she always wanted and then you may just win her back

That was powerful
" The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions! " X

About the infertility, have you been diagnosed with male infertility? You are right in that there’s an enormous amount that you can do with diet and lifestyle to improve it but you may also have an infection or something else underlying. It would be worth seeing a fertility specialist urologist. Mr Ramsay is the best, his company is called Andropov Solutions.

Sorry that meant to say Andrology Solutions

I am in a similar situation , my partner had enough of me because of depression. Long story short my business failed in lockdown , I became addicted to the internet. And would spend 6 hours every morning on the internet and end up sleeping from tired eyes mid day . I became delusional and thought I had dementia. 8 weeks later my Mrs still doesn't want to know . It's taken me 8 weeks to get to the stage of being the change I needed to be . I don't waste time on the internet. My mental health is good and now I am doing my house up and hope my ex realises the changes I have made and it's not to late . Basically be the change she wanted asap . Otherwise it is to late .
Just because you have behaved one way for long time doesn't mean you can't change you just don't know how to change today !?
Read books like the chimp paradox . Exercise etc . Stop being needy and wallowing in self pitty

You don't make your marriage sound that great. I can see why she's calling time. What was in it for her?

The best thing you can do is get healthy. Get on with your life. Do whatever you can to manage your mental health. Exercise. Get fit. Eat well. Get some energy in. Get active.

I'd also look into codependency. An organisation called CoDa UK is all about having healthy relationships. It might be a game changer for you.

I wish you much luck.

So by way of an update. I have sorted a flat to rent and move in next Saturday.
Staying at my parents still until then.
Had my first counselling appointment last Wednesday and got one each week.
Put deposit on a used car yesterday so got my own car from Tuesday.
Been working on plans for me and things I want to do too.
Got invites for trips out with friends to take up.