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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Birthday message to write in a card while seperated

18 replies

Summer6pack · 04/03/2022 08:05

Hello everyone.
My wife and I have been separated for 8 months. we have children together and im living away from the family.
I was asked to leave due to my addiction with alcohol and temper when the kids wouldn't listen. I have been off the alcohol for 8 months now and have been seeing a psychologist re parenting. So improving myself and fixing the problems i had. I am happy to admit i was the cause and have taken ownership. Hoping to reconcile and do joint counseling when my wife agrees, if she agrees.
In 2 weeks time its her birthday, and im struggling to find what to write. I don't want it to be about me and what im doing. Its her day and im hopeless with what to write.

I know there are a lot of clever and talented people in this group.

Would it be possible to have some ideas or examples on what to write..

Many thanks
Scott Smile

OP posts:
TottersBlankly · 04/03/2022 11:19

Firstly, this is an anonymous forum so I hope you haven’t signed with your real name. (No signature is necessary.)

Secondly, yes - it is her day. And as you are separated you should make minimal intervention into it. Anything more than:

‘Happy Birthday, wishing you all the best.’

would make it all about you, not her. She doesn’t need and almost certainly will not want a long screed about your feelings / hopes / regrets / whatever. Don’t impinge on her space.

KylieCharlene · 04/03/2022 11:22

Happy Birthday
Hope you have a great day, you truly deserve it
All my love
Scott

OldNeo · 04/03/2022 11:23

I disagree. I think if I received that message I’d feel quite hurt. I wouldn’t write a long missive but maybe a couple of sentences about how much she means to you.

OldNeo · 04/03/2022 11:24

My message was to @TottersBlankly!

TottersBlankly · 04/03/2022 11:25

maybe a couple of sentences about how much she means to you

I imagine the OP’s wife has heard all that a million times.

TristesseDurera · 04/03/2022 11:30

"Dear [Scott's wife]
Happy birthday! I hope you have the most wonderful day possible and a very happy year ahead. The children are very lucky to have you as their mum.
All my love,
Scott"

mocktail · 04/03/2022 11:34

I would be hurt by ‘Happy Birthday, wishing you all the best.’ It sounds like something you'd write in a birthday card passed round the office for someone you don't know well.

Short but heartfelt and genuine I'd go for.

mocktail · 04/03/2022 11:36

I imagine it might be the final straw if she finds you've copied the message word for word from Mumsnet by the way, but I'm sure you wouldn't do that Wink

adriftabroad · 04/03/2022 11:48

Definitely not 'wishing you all the best', terrible idea to the mother of your children, wife!

I'd put, 'Have a wonderful day! Thinking of you and the children. All my love , Scott'
You could add, 'hope to see you soon' or I like the suggestion of 'have a wonderful Birthday, you really deserve it'

TottersBlankly · 04/03/2022 11:58

Hmm … The thing is, she must have been through an awful lot to get to this point. If it were me I’d be examining every pen stroke with a magnifying glass - looking for double meanings, or sarcasm, or entreaty of some kind.

But I don’t know if the OP and wife are now on good enough terms for her not to feel extremely wary of any communication from him. He has not said that she is interested in any reconciliation. At all. What if she really doesn’t want to hear from him?

Original poster
Summer6pack · 04/03/2022 21:07

We do communicate and the communication is getting better all the time. i just dont want to push her away. I have to be patient and wait until she is ready...

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 04/03/2022 21:09

Gawd... my ex wants to reconcile and it is never going to happen. For my birthday I would like to be left the fuck alone and don't want a card! Hth

OldNeo · 04/03/2022 23:25

@TristesseDurera

"Dear [Scott's wife] Happy birthday! I hope you have the most wonderful day possible and a very happy year ahead. The children are very lucky to have you as their mum. All my love, Scott"
Love this! Perfect.
Original poster
Summer6pack · 05/03/2022 04:55

I really want to thank everyone for their input, means a lot to me. Whether its negative or positive, I appreciate it.
I will not give up hope.... i stuffed up with alcohol and i have fixed that and want to be a dad and husband to my wife i promised in our wedding for better or for worse..

OP posts:
Monty27 · 05/03/2022 04:57

Wishing you a lovely birthday. Enjoy your day
Love Scott x

headspin10 · 08/03/2022 16:53

It sounds like you are doing great. If I were her I think a heartfelt message would be appreciated. Eg. You really deserve a lovely day. All my love etc.

Original poster
Summer6pack · 08/03/2022 22:59

thank you everyone for your input. Means a lot to me, on how to show that i care, but don't want to push her away

OP posts:
movingon2022 · 09/03/2022 21:19

I think it is very sweet that you are putting this much thought into this. Yesterday was my B-day and my ex (moved out last August) did not even text me "happy b-day". It is not like I wanted it or needed it and I understand that he may be upset since I am the one that instigated separation, but still I think that he should have done it out of common courtesy. I am after all a mother of his children and we were together 25 years prior to separation. Also, I did send him a note on his b-day.

I personally think that "Happy B-day" is totally enough.

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