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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

23 replies

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:22

First time posting so please be kind....

I was with my EXP for 6 years, due to get married but this got postponed due to Covid, and then cancelled due to separating.
EXP went through a bad 'patch' for a year or so where he drank excessively, dabbled with drugs, (used to sneak out the house at night when I was sleeping for this) I constantly begged him to stop!
I was also pregnant and couldn't take the empty promises of him stopping/changing and the arguments anymore so I left him.
We were already in the process of selling our house, once this completed he transferred all of the equity from our joint account to his personal account so I couldn't touch it. He had initially put in all of the deposit but we'd agreed to use some equity to pay off a loan taken out in my name for the wedding and he would keep the rest. I've now been left to pay off the loan myself, he has said he'll help with paying but after 6 months, he's not paid a penny so far to help.
DD was born, he's contributed by giving me a few items for her (think bath, gym teepee few other little bits etc) everything else that DD has needed, I've sorted by myself and with help from friends and family.
EXP has said he has changed, doesn't drink, dabble etc anymore and wants us to be a family again. I've said not at the minute, I don't know what the future holds, but I don't trust he has changed enough and I haven't forgiven him for what/how he treat me when we were together. And we need to concentrate on DD for the moment, she is less than 1 month old. He has contact with DD with me present for a few hours sat and sun, I take DD to him for this. He wasn't at the birth due to Covid restrictions but he blames me for this. He also blames me for not having a bond with DD as he only seeing her at weekends.
After another argument today, because I wouldn't help with childcare for his other DD, he is now insisting that he sees our DD without me present.... I don't know if I'm ready for this, I've never left her with anymore for more than 30/45 minutes, but he doesn't care about how I feel, he says he has 'rights'. He also sent a message saying we are done (this is fine as we aren't together anyway) and he will see me in court for DD.
Regarding the birth certificate... he wants his name on it and for her to have his last name. Initially I agreed, as he's her dad however whenever we argue (and previously when we were together) he's accused me of cheating and asking if he's actually her dad (he 100% is her dad and I've never cheated). Again today he asked if he was actually her dad and keeps saying she doesn't look like him, and he wants a DNA test.
He will go days being the nicest person and almost like the man I fell in love with then BOOM we argue and he's back to calling me every name under the sun and treating me like sh*t!!!!

WWYD-would you put his name on the birth certificate and give DD his last name? Or leave him off the birth certificate and give DD your last name?

OP posts:

Justkeeppedaling · 23/02/2022 23:26

He's her father. His name should be on the birth certificate, no matter how crap he is at being a partner or a father.

Not sure you should give her his name though.

Original poster

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:29

I think I agree with you about putting his name in the birth certificate as yes he is her father.
Potentially I could double barrel her surname with both our names?

OP posts:

WhenIsItTooLate · 23/02/2022 23:30

Give her your name. Leave him off the birth certificate.

Don’t get back with him!

MrsBertBibby · 23/02/2022 23:31

Absolutely give her your name, and register the birth on your own. You can always put him on later.

And are you doing anything about getting your money back?

WhenIsItTooLate · 23/02/2022 23:32

Oh and contact should be about what’s best for DD - and being separated from her mother while she’s still so so tiny is not best. Don’t let him push you around and push you into things you’re not comfortable with. Let him take you to court if it comes to it!

MrsBertBibby · 23/02/2022 23:32

Oh jeez don't double barrel. Just use your name. If you must, put his in as a middle name, unless it's something hideous.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2022 23:33

After another argument today, because I wouldn't help with childcare for his other DD, he is now insisting that he sees our DD without me present....

Absolutely no fucking way. And he has no rights. He’s an idiot.

You’re her only reliable parent, she’s obviously gets your name. That’s tradition and it makes sense. He could bugger off for good tomorrow and you’ll be stuck having a different name to her.

He can only be on the birth certificate if he goes with you to register her. Given his appalling behaviour questioning her parentage I’d go without him. He can ask for a DNA test and apply to court to be added to it at a later day. For now no way.

Tbh if he’s going to carry on being abusive I’d stop contact and let him take you to court to apply for it. She’s newborn, it’ll take ages to get an order made.

His awful behaviour is going to ruin this time for you. Only people who treat you well should be near you or your precious baby.

He’s a dick. He won’t even look after his older kid ffs.

Original poster

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:34

@MrsBertBibby

Absolutely give her your name, and register the birth on your own. You can always put him on later.

And are you doing anything about getting your money back?

I'm paying off the loan myself, he keeps saying he'll help with the repayments but that's yet to be seen.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 23/02/2022 23:35

BTW, if you are foolish enough to put hus name on her BC he will be within his rights to take her. So ffs don't do it. Please. He's a thieving bullying druggie.

Original poster

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:36

@WhenIsItTooLate

I'm not ready to leave her for hours with him but he says I'm using DD as a weapon and to have control, which I'm not.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/02/2022 23:42

@MrsBertBibby

BTW, if you are foolish enough to put hus name on her BC he will be within his rights to take her. So ffs don't do it. Please. He's a thieving bullying druggie.

This.

If you put him on the birth certificate then the next time he has access he can pick her up, walk out the door with her and refuse to give her back. The police will not be able to get her back for you as he will be an equal parent to you.

To get her back you will have to go to court. This could take a while as the courts are very backed up.

Catcrazy83 · 23/02/2022 23:49

No way would I put his name on the birth certificate, that would give him PR, meaning if he bullies you into handing over a tiny baby to him, he can just not return her, thus you’ll be the one going to court, stress/time/money to get your baby back.

I’d get put in a claim to cms, if he's refuting he’s her dad, they will arrange a DNA test.

Look at the baby going to him without you when she’s a little older. See if he stays off the drugs that long

Original poster

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:53

@Catcrazy83

I’d get put in a claim to cms, if he's refuting he’s her dad, they will arrange a DNA test.

Look at the baby going to him without you when she’s a little older. See if he stays off the drugs that long

If I don't put him on the BC can I still put in a claim to cms?

OP posts:

Original poster

iwant2bfree · 23/02/2022 23:56

I'm too much of a people pleaser and hate going back on my word, hence why I'm struggling with not giving DD his name as I said I would.

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 23/02/2022 23:58

You are not married, you are the main carer, he has left you with debt, and I’m guessing is not paying child maintenance. He’s a bully and a liar.
Your name, without a doubt.

Pixiedust1234 · 23/02/2022 23:59

If he wants her to have his name he should have married you. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. Let him pay for the dna test and court order ( not you).

He wants to exercise his rights on seeing her? Let him take you to court and get a judge to decide exactly which rights he is entitled to. At the same time get child maintenance sorted.

In short...make everything legal but he pays for tests, court, solicitors. He won't bother imo

FeckTheMagicDragon · 24/02/2022 00:06

And yes, you can still claim CM. He would have to prove he is NOT the father, it’s not on you.

unicornsarereal72 · 24/02/2022 08:08

Claim child support

Continue to offer access as you are with you present

Tell him to seek legal advice. Judges don't tolerate bullies who take tiny babies from their mothers well.

You have 18 years of this. Have rock solid boundaries in place now. He will rant and rave because he doesn't have control over you anymore. See it for what it is a toddler tantrum.

pollygartertidywife · 24/02/2022 08:34

It will take very little and cost just over £200 in court fees for him to go to court for parental responsibility. Which gives him EQUAL rights to your child.

I never understand the advice about birth certificates. It's a declaration. Who is her father ? It's not like you had so many you can't remember!!! Ridiculous.

If you need contact and residency written down in an order that sets out who the main carer is, where the babies main residence is and how much contact he will have with her at the moment then you need to apply for a Child Arrangement Order. Again £210 ish - you don't need a lawyer just download a c100 from HMCTS. If on low wage /income fill in the fee exemption form.

As for name in general if the woman is getting married and plans to take husbands name then makes sense for the child to have the same: in this case give her your name.

millymolls · 24/02/2022 09:00

Trust mrsbertbbibby!

meditrina · 24/02/2022 09:28

Definitely give her your surname

MrsBertBibby · 24/02/2022 09:40

I never understand the advice about birth certificates. It's a declaration. Who is her father ? It's not like you had so many you can't remember!!! Ridiculous.

If you don't understand why comment? Ot is not merely a declaration. It confers PR to the father and would be extremely inadvisable on what OP says.

Sure, if he goes to court he can obtain it, but at that point, the court can also make a residence order to OP. OP can agree it later if he settles down. But right now, my advice is she registers the birth on her own.

Birth registration is a significant event, and she shouldn't have to have this shitty man wrecking it, and no doubt trying to bully her and the registrar to use his name.

Catcrazy83 · 24/02/2022 10:25

Yes you can still instruct cms if he’s not on birth certificate, it’s hard when you’re a people pleaser…. But the person you need to please now is your baby, not your ex.

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