What happens if we can’t agree on custody split?

[thinkingSilver]

Hi everyone,

We are at the stage where we are trying to decide about the finances and children.
He has filed.
Neither of us are in another relationship.
We have two children aged 6 and 11. The youngest has a diagnosis for ASD, sensory processing disorder and anxiety.

He earns 135k in a senior role. I earn 31K and work 3 days a week as a teacher.

I’ve been the primary caregiver and look after them every weekend mornings when he sleeps late, I look after them every school holiday, organise all the play dates and take them to all activities and sport, bath them each night, read the phonics books, do the homework, the homeschooling during lockdown etc.

I’ve sent a proposal about the finances, and about the children. A detailed document of 4 pages. A financial advisor helped me with this.

He has now sent a response. He is insisting that he wants to have the children 50% of the time. He wants to do one week off and one week on.
I proposed that they stay with him every second weekend and have tea with him on a Wednesday.

Absolutely not the their best interest. Especially the child with ASD. He has never done any of the care before. He sometimes plays with them for short periods of time.
I feel there is a safeguarding element too because he sleeps late every weekend and he really is a deep sleeper. He loses his temper when they wake him up at 9:30am etc. Once he is awake then he is lovely with them. For short periods of time. The rest of the time he spends on his computer, online board games, phone, watching sport etc.
What will happen is that the 11 year old will be on her own on her room. On screens. And the 6 year old will watch a lot of TV and run from the one sofa to the next, something she does. Lots of repetitive behaviour for long periods of time. To regulate herself.

What will happen if we can’t agree how we are going to split the time between us?

What is Cafcass? Can they help?
Can the solicitor write to the paediatrician and the school to get their view of what is best?

What should I do as a next step?

It’s fairly well known that trying to deny a father contact because he committed DV, isn’t usually acceptable to the courts. The orthodoxy (bonkers though this is to me) is that DV between adults does not mean there’s a risk to the DC.

Sounds to me as though OP is trying to do her best within the system and mitigate disruption to the DC, which is doubly important with autism.

That was to @Unknown83

@Unknown83 he is a DV risk to OP. The children still need to sleep between two houses. DD has ASD and struggles with change. Op brought stickers so her bedroom in both houses would look the same to make it less stressful for her. Op had to do this because her ex would never have thought to.

Hth

Monday - Wednesday. I dress youngest, do water bottles, pack school bags
a Year 13 student comes and help me at 7:15, I leave for work at 7:20. He wakes up any time from 7-7:40, takes shower and leaves
.... (Yr 13) and takes youngest to school at 8:30

Sorry, have I got this right @thinkingSilver. You have a teenage who comes in of a morning and five minutes after they arrive you leave and they're then responsible for getting your 6 yo ready and out to school three days a week?

@joyceisthekiller, FGS read the OP, He filed and he's guilty of DV.

Jesus, there are some awful responses in this thread.

A lot of victim-blaming going on here.

OP's ex-h has very little to do with DC on a daily basis, is out the home for around 12hrs on working days & is wanting 50-50 care which he cannot facilitate around his working days.

It's way more about his rights than his responsibilities- as it always is with these types.

And there's a child with additional needs who needs prioritised, before his "rights"

@CandyLeBonBon

Am I really being that unreasonable to think that's a bit weird, that the posts don't make sense?

Yes. Yes You are. Very.

Has it occurred to you that the reason the op did what she did because of her children? To make them feel better? If you've never experienced DV, perhaps you don't get it it, but it's really not always as black and white as it seems. Especially when kids are involved. And even more so when those kids have special needs.

HTH

DA I could understand. DV for me would be a red line though. My STBXW subjected me to a number of years of emotional abuse that escalated in the last year of our marriage when she had numerous affairs (I can't go into too much detail obviously but it was occasional incidents of her going into a screaming rage if the children didn't do as they were told, throwing and smashing things, telling me the reason she cheated was because I was a useless husband in intricate detail whilst diminishing my contribution, gaslighting me by later saying she hadn't admitted things that she had about said cheating, trying to use the children and guilt and emotional blackmail to make me leave the FMH, threatening to leave with the children although she had no right to do so and also often threatening to leave on her own, claiming she was suicidal and it was all the fault of me and her mother etc). It was never enough to be fearful for my life because she mainly took her anger out on the children and verbally rather than physically. However, I still feel a level of anxiety being around her. It took a long time for me to work out if I was over sensitive or subject to abuse and I'm still not sure after a couple of months of therapy. Perhaps though her refusal to initiate divorce and her threats of what she would do in the early stages when I did tipped it into EA on balance, taking into account the number of false reconciliations after her cheating and her ability to manipulate me into doing more and more whilst in no way reforming her own behaviour. At a particular low point I recall cleaning the bathroom at 1am because of a rage she had earlier in the evening!

So I agree when it's DA because despite all that I think my children's relationship with their mother is important. However, DV? Would you really want your children with someone who carries out acts of violence?

@Unknown83 oh do be quiet, your ignorance is showing in buckets and I hope you fail any and all exams to become a sol because you are clearly clueless about DV.

Family courts don’t give a crap about DV - they say that the perp “only” attacked the victim and not the children so it doesn’t make a difference to whether they should have contact or not. That is a very well known fact.

Sorry you’re thread’s been hijacked OP. Cleary your STBXH hasn’t given this any thought beyond ‘the kids are half mine they should be with me 50/50 and you (despite the fact you’re married) shouldn’t get any of my money ever’
Week on/week off is a terrible idea for him. If he’d given it any thought whatsoever he’d have proposed a 2/2 + alternate weekends split where the weekdays are always the same because this would make childcare much easier to sort for him. Unless he was planning on employing a nanny fulltime but only needing her one week in every two.

@Thoosa

It’s fairly well known that trying to deny a father contact because he committed DV, isn’t usually acceptable to the courts. The orthodoxy (bonkers though this is to me) is that DV between adults does not mean there’s a risk to the DC.

Sounds to me as though OP is trying to do her best within the system and mitigate disruption to the DC, which is doubly important with autism.

Well, in that case my apologies to the OP. I am gobsmacked and appalled that a court would think it right and proper for someone to have access to any child until such time as they can demonstrably prove they have reformed. I was not aware this was not the case.

@MNHQ Please can you go over this thread asap as @Unknown83 is accusing OP of lying about DV amongst other things

I can't wait until I finish retraining. Do you ever represent clients in court? You must be quite effective because despite being a solicitor I read in another post of yours that you sponged spousal maintenance off the man you divorced. Or maybe one of other of those posts was pure fantasy?

The only fantasy is in your bitter mind. I have never posted anything of the kind.

The fact, however, that you refer to spousal maintenance as "sponging" really shows your agenda.

There are a number men who regularly comment on these threads - whilst there are a few who give an alternative perspective & good advice - there are are a good few whose starting point is "fathers 50-50" rights - no matter what the current arrangements are.

These men don't recognise that there is any disadvantage to being SAHM or part-time & assume that women in these circumstances can just magic up full time work - and that full-time work is best for every family, even with children who have ASN. The man's "right" to 50-50 trumps everything- even what is "best" for the children.

@Unknown83 Domestic abuse includes domestic violence. Courts do allow access to domestically violent parents. You really need to do a bit more research as you seem woefully ill informed

Has he ever had them on his own?

If not my advice would be to say “ok well we are agreed about weekends so let’s start doing those now and revisit the other days on x date”

Then leave them with him for the full weekend from fri after school to mon drop back to school every other weekend. Don’t help/discuss/prep anything at all. Go stay with family/friends/hotel so you can’t get involved

I’d hazard a guess it’ll take 2 weekends before he changes his proposal....

This ^^^***